"Of course, I understand. I expected this. Makes sense. I have known since before we got together that you felt this way and it was a possibility. Why would it bother me?! Yes, I am ok with this."
Even now as I write this, those words echo in my head. I WASN'T lying, all of those statements are true on a certain level. However, after the conversation, i was only left with an unsettled feeling. I realized that my response was fueled more by being the right answer, not causing waves, my desire to please, and putting on a brave game face. A friend reminded me that I need to speak NOT from that brave game face, but from the parts deep down inside that were shaking and scared. You know, the vulnerable parts of me?!
I had to really sit down and figure things out-long hard conversations with myself. What on Earth was going on and how did I get to this point? The unsettled feeling would not leave. It wasn't that I was actually afraid to speak my mind, (people who know me will just nod their heads and agree, THAT is usually not my challenge!) It wasn't that I was lying. It wasn't that i was trying to deceive or give a false impression-at least none of those things were done intentionally.
My heart and my head, simply, were not in alignment.
I genuinely want Sir to be happy. I genuinely want to support him in his adventures. My heart feels happy that he was going on a date with someone. My heart hurts when he hurts. My heart is happy when he is happy. My heart bubbles with joy with the sound of his voice. My head was comparing. My head was comparing myself against someone I have never met. My head was unsettled because I was comparing and making the other person more important than me. My head was comparing this situation to past experiences and expectations in a traditional monogamous setting. My head compared myself instantly to "little girl sparkles" and past hurts and life experiences.
LITTLE GIRL SPARKLES. Not Little girl as in the Little part of me with curly ribbons and cute braids in my hair when I go to the local BDSM club 🤗 No, the little girl who grew up believing she wasn't good enough because her dad left (and her mom took him back 16 times) for numerous other women. The little girl who based her ideas of relationships on a wonky, jacked up example. And the girl who grew up in a pretty conservative bubble.
However, THIS situation is not that situation. My dad simply didn't know what he wanted and always chased after the next best thing. I have never once believed that I was less important, if anything in this situation Sir has gone out of the way to show me the opposite- I am valued. I have value. I am loved. I am cared for. I am not being thrown away or aside for the next best thing. I am important to him now and will continue to be. I am not the best thing because I am not a thing at all. I am a person. 💗
Heart and head much closer to alignment
I'd be lying to saying those fears will never resurface and insecurities have fled forever. Let's be realistic- I may be quite amazing and extraordinary (every person is) but I am not a machine, I am human with a human heart 💜. However, I am able to shift the paradigm and see through a different set of lenses. Things are beautiful, perhaps colorful like looking through a kaleidoscope. As we navigate this road together, hand in hand- we are happy together. We will 'suffer' together. We will grow together. We will only grow stronger. I will not let go. He will not let go.
"Of course, I understand. I expected this. Makes sense. I have known since before we got together that you felt this way and it was a possibility. Why would it bother me?! Yes, I am ok with this."
This time those words are whispered strongly and confidently from the shaky and not so scared places. One day that whisper will become a confident voice. There is still a brave game face, but not because I am playing defensively. This time that game face says "let's do this!"
💖
