This is strange.
Waking up and not sending a text that says "good morning." Waking up and taking no photo, because there's no one waiting for it on the other end.
Today I woke up, and I went back to bed for another thirty minutes. I woke up and remembered, and for a second, everything felt dark. It's such a strange feeling to be here. Day one, on the other side of the event horizon. Feeling like things are in their right places. That feeling of something missing, or forgotten, but no idea what. This feels strange.
Not that I assumed it would feel normal today. Today will be a very long day indeed, I can feel that I am off routine. I've done all the steps, but they don't feel the same. It's strange how a simple decision flips that switch in the mind. Is this how it feels to every sub? That instant absence, mentally or physically, or both?
My mind sounds like the ocean. My head is louder than it's been in a long time. The roar of so many thoughts and emotions, overpowering logic at times, and rendering me immobile. I haven't turned the music off in 24 hours, and it's still going. The melodies carry me through the hours, and the EDM keeps my system so busy it can't take proper stock. Staying in the sympathetic nervous system and avoiding the activation of the parasympathetic.
Healing is hard. I know I have healed because I am sitting with the pain like a companion in need of a shoulder to cry on. I am counseling my pain instead of burying it. While this is not an out-of-body experience, in many ways it feels similar. I feel like I am watching myself go through these motions. Being healthy means doing the hard thing, even when it isn't wanted.
When the pain gets too much, I turn the reggae up and just sway