Was it real for you?
The last fleeting plea for a solution to bring this back from the abyss it has sunk into hurt. I think this conversation hurt more than their absence did previously. A last attempt to pull something out of the gap to connect us back to one another, or at least provide a real explanation.
Futile. I should have known better. I should have known it would be pointless. I should have let my voicemail greet you instead.
Instead, I poured my heart out. Again, breaking once more into the thousands of pieces I've been gluing back together. At this rate, I will never become Kintsugi.
This experience has been a beautiful view into what is possible. So thank you for that. First and foremost, there is gratitude within me for what did take place in the space we held for each other.
It also turned extremely sour when you stopped holding that space for us to exist inside of. We have always been apart. It's never been easy, and I have always endured because you made time, it worked, and needs were met. Somewhere over the last two years, that changed. It happened silently, slowly, and without much noise at all. It was invisible, and I look back, and I can see where the cracks started to creep in.
Hindsight is only good for lessons to live by in the future sadly.
Because as I sat there, pouring myself out, one last time all, all that met me in return was silence. Long uncomfortable pauses without solutions or suggestions or even ownership. How sharp silence can be, that it sliced me even from halfway across the country. Did you know this was dying before I did?
Was this a selfish attempt at denial of self-evident truth?
Did you dangle me, on that leash past the point of virility because you couldn't walk away?
That is what was always going to happen though... and I knew that. Somewhere in my mind, I knew there was no amount of conversation, no time length that would be beneficial, no room to brainstorm that would be fruitful, I knew this was dead too. I've been trying to accept it, I was making some progress....
I will not answer any more phone calls