I am a homebody through and through. I have busted my ass to make my little house into a cozy and comfy home. There is no place that I want to be….other than the ocean. 😁. It took today’s issues to make me really realize that my comfy, cushy home is really a gilded cage for my shy, introverted, and dare I say, antisocial self.
I had massive hail damage to my roof and it needed to be replaced. On top of that, my water pipes to my tub became clogged and no water would come out. I CANNOT live without my bathtub! My house and yard were invaded by roofers and workmen. My private, safe space was ripped into and made vulnerable to people that I didn’t know or trust.
I could not relax or sit still. I was on edge all day and felt like I was going to cry. I was even afraid to change from my pjs to my clothes. I had lived like this in the past for so many years, that I was accustomed to it. I didn’t realize that it wasn’t normal or healthy. I was exhausted and edgy and cranky all of the time.
When I moved into this house almost 9 years ago, I began to find comfort and serenity in fixing it up and making it mine. I poured myself into every room, and flower, and fabric. This became my safe space. There is nothing wrong with a safe space…..we all need them. But when does a safe space become a prison?
I HATE to leave my house. I HATE to shop or go do fun things. I can’t even go out in my front yard for fear that some stranger will see me. I have to psych myself up to go to the mailbox. I am seeing this as a problem now. I feel stifled and shut in, but I have done this to myself.
Yes, I leave the house for my job and I am with the unknown public in a very up close and personal way. But I can easily hide behind my role as a nurse. I am not really seen. No one asks how I am. No one asks about my personal life or likes. They are completely centered on themselves, as they have every right to be. I see people on their scariest day. Surgery is a daunting prospect.
I need my safe space to recoup and reclaim my calm. Today was quite a shock as to just how much I depend on it.
