I don’t even know where to begin in all of this. Disbelief. Shock. Denial. Anger. Fear. Dread. One big mass of feelings that just keeps rolling and reversing and replaying. Each one multilayered on their own and balled up together, they are all consuming and suffocating.
Anger surfaced yesterday, white hot and roaring. I screamed the toxic thoughts that were slowly eating me alive by not uttering them. I couldn’t say them before because I know that He already has so much to deal with and I hate to add to His crushing burden. But His last bit of information threw me over the edge.
My Dom has a horrific disease called MASLD or Metabolic dysfunction-associated steatotic liver disease. This man, who might have a beer or two a week, is dying of cirrhosis of the liver! His is brought on by a family trait that used to be called “fatty liver”. He isn’t an alcoholic, or overweight, or diabetic. It is just bad luck.
We found it when He went to see a doctor to get a hernia fixed. This hernia is bad and desperately needs to be taken care of. His lab work looked off and the doctor did an ultrasound of his liver to confirm. We were shocked, as he didn’t have any symptoms or telltale signs. That quickly changed. Within a matter of weeks He has begun to suffer and show that this prognosis is, in fact, real.
I want to be strong and supportive for Him. He deserves that at the very least. I have kept my emotions at bay and only speak about my plans in keeping Him as healthy as we can. I am meal prepping everything He eats to change his diet. I have researched and purchased supplements that may help keep the scarring at bay and help the still functioning parts of the liver healthy.
Yesterday He told me that the surgery won’t be taking place any time soon. He was informed that his blood work is too out of whack and that he has a high probability of dying on the table because of it.
To say that I lost my shit would be putting it mildly. My whole illusion of “control” and “a plan of action” and “navigating” through all of this to get back to where we used to be, was shattered. It finally hit me that life as we know it will never be the same. Ever
In all of this we have begun to barely function as a couple, let alone a dynamic. Gone are those feelings of closeness and intimacy that only a Dom and sub can understand. We are on autopilot and merely surviving. My tantrum made me feel better momentarily, but I know that I need to get these feelings out in a healthier way. He doesn’t need a blow up every time I can’t take the pressure anymore. So I have started journaling again. Maybe getting it all down in black and white will alleviate some of it and help keep me sane.
