For years I have considered myself a masochist. I really got off on pain and could rocket into sub space with the endorphins pretty easily. If given a choice on how a play session went, I would always choose some form of pain to be involved.
These days I am noticing that I am wanting a softer touch and, dare I say, maybe a smidge of pampering. Add in some praise kink and I am a total melty, gooey sub. As I began to really take notice of this shift, I began to wonder WTF was wrong with me.
I felt that this deserved a moment of pause and reevaluation, so the notebook came out to put my messy thoughts down in black and white.
Am I getting burnt out with the lifestyle? No, I still love my journey in the lifestyle. I feel that I have truly learned how to be my authentic self and tapped into a way to express myself. I have been able to verbalize my emotions and not keep everything bottle up.
What motivates this shift? In the past I was focused on hitting that high and the way that the pain blocked out everything else. No stress or depression or past that I was running from. When I think about our current scenes, it’s the feeling of connection and mutual satisfaction that fuel my need.
What’s up with this praise kink? Humiliation felt taboo and thus was a turn on. Deep down I felt like I deserved it. As more praise was used and took the place of humiliation, the more I found myself striving to get more and more of it. I now truly believe that I am a “good girl”.
I’m not sure what my conclusion is with all of this, but I do know that I am shifting and changing. I guess it’s just another new path in my journey and I am going to go with it and see where it leads. I plan on enjoying this new phase and doing my best to learn more about myself.
