A Poet's Bleeding Heart🖤📜🪶

I have always had a complicated relationship with my siblings. Life was unfair to us all, and in a lot of ways, never seemed to right some scales. 

I spent many years no contact, then we got back in touch, and have gone back to no contact. It is a hard thing.. to love someone so deeply and want so badly to help them.. but all they see of you is "danger". 

I still miss you, sis. You will always find home with me... no matter how far you drift. 

"I Hate You"

I used to say "I hate you."
Back when I was told it was true.

I used to curse your name,
as if I could rip you out by the roots.

I used to think us foes,
like you were the monster up ahead.
I never realized, at the time,
those were fictions in my head.

We sharpened words to weapons, the way our mother taught.
She seemed to revel in our wreckage,
never caring of the cost.

Standing toe to toe,
I remember how we'd shout.
"This feels like a victory"
thinks the one who made it out.

We'd limp away feeling bruised,
Bloody hearts strewn on the floor.
Our mother winking to the victor, as we shut our shared room door.

I used to say "I hate you!"
Back then I believed it was true.

I used to spit upon your name, as that distance between us grew.

I coated myself in loathing,
letting it melt into my skin.
It sizzled and bubbled, scalding my heart. (That shield, in 20/20, was thin.)

I thought that Time would prove my cause a worthy one to uphold,
to prove there was some justice hidden in all that damage doled.

But Time and Perspective are an inseparable pair,
striding often side by side.
So when they came to tell their tale, my shield cracked,
and I cried.

The twist in the end was that neither of them were ever truly to blame,
because kids can't be players, they're only just pawns, in an "Adults Only" game.

I used to say "I hate you..?"
Back then it was all I knew.

I used to ponder on your name, wondering if you thought of me too.

We should have stood together, sisters united hand in hand.
But mother wanted rivals,
and so we never stood a chance.

And though we've grown much older now and can clearly see all the cards,
maybe somethings can't be fixed when all that's left are shards.

We tried to find those girls inside, the ones we used to be.
Swapping shirts, and singing songs, and dancing in the street.

But people change and history can't,
and those two don't always mix.
We're just broken people with broken hearts,
that might be too broken to fix.

I used to say "I hate you"
Now I know that was a lie.

Sometimes I speak your name to myself, first I smile.
Then I cry.

I wish our story had different chapters, and we both played different parts.
But know you are never the monster in mine,
only my sister,
forever in heart.

Now I say "I love you."
And I hope you believe it's true.

Yes, even now I say "I love you, sis."
And that is the solemn truth.