This is my first blog. I don’t know how often or how much I will share, but recent personal awakenings have me feeling compelled to share my story, certainly not anything different than some others here, but unique to me. I have learned many things about myself during this first part of my journey of self-discovery. I say the first part, because I realize there is still so much more for me to learn, enjoy, experience, discover. Some I like, some I don’t. Some have brought clarity, pain, confusion, acceptance, affection, doubt … just to name a few. One thing I have learned, not really discovered, as I always knew she was there, is, I am what people here call "a little". Not in the age-play sense, but most definitely have a very strong little girl side. I feel right now, there is such a powerful change happening within me, that maybe it can be of some help … for me and perhaps others, just taking their first steps who may have similar life experiences. I am by no means a writer, but I will work hard to keep my ramblings to some resemblance of coherent thoughts.
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I have felt a bit like the caterpillar throughout my life, knowing there was more for me to be, more of me. I’ve been crawling through the dirt, trying to find where I belong, what my potential is, who would love me. But the search has been painful, quietly painful. Quite a few years ago, I felt like I had crawled deeply into my cocoon…to protect myself and heal. Then, circumstances forced me to open up to someone, at least about what was going on in my life at that time. I had no idea then, where that one step would lead. It was a reluctant step, admitting that I couldn’t handle things on my own. I have spent all my life being proud of being the "strong" one. The one who faces everything fearlessly, boldly. When others need an anchor while their storms rage around them, I'm the one they call, and I am the calm in the eye of their storm.
When my newborn son was about 3 weeks old, our world changed. His health was at risk. It seemed for so long, it was one thing after another. Within those first months, I threw away the "What to Expect the First Year Book". Anyone here who is a parent is familiar with that book I'm sure. I took the step to see a therapist… someone I could vent my fears and frustrations to at least. From just 3 weeks old, until he was about 7, the majority of our life, existed within the confines of our rooms at our Children’s Hospital. Talking to her was my only outlet for letting myself feel the terror of it all through those years. After some time, the trust, which, does not come to me easily, was there. I found myself opening up about other things in my life. The sexual abuse I experienced by my step father and uncle. I’ve dealt with that…moved past it, but I know there are certain things that trigger the memories and the negative feelings and the walls go back up…my fortress. The difference now is that I don’t relive it, so when those things surface, I am able to see it for what it is, and try to rework the response. That has helped me move on and past it, in most ways. I also, in time, learned that predators recognize the vulnerable, and submissives are extremely vulnerable because of their inherent nature.
Allowing myself to open up emotionally, to anyone and trust have been my biggest challenges, but I am working on it.
For the longest time I’d also been telling her about these feelings that I’ve had for as long as I can remember, as far back as being a young girl. I just couldn’t put a name to it. She didn’t give me the name, she would just let me talk, describe the feelings, the wants, the desires. Telling her of the thoughts I had as a young woman, so afraid of it, and throughout my relationship with my ex-husband, thinking there was something wrong with me. Those deep-seeded wants … no … needs. The needs that became the very source of destruction of our relationship. When we first met, he used to say he loved my love for life, my enthusiasm to enjoy feeling exhilarated sexually. I thought he understood me, understood my needs. I was always a very sensual person, passionate, sexual. It wasn’t long before I discovered that wasn’t the case. He would say things like “How can you want to do those things?”, or “How can you, the epitome of class and decorum, want such disgusting things?” I spent the following years being “tamed” and denied. After a while I allowed myself to be denied, tried denying it to myself. It made me feel like I was some sort of monster. I wore that mask, my prim and proper mask trying desperately to please him. Being submissive, even in the role of denial.
After some time, she began to ask questions, detailed questions. And one day, she finally gave it a name. Submissive…and that there was a counterpart to that…Dominant.
After talking about how I had these thoughts and feelings and what they meant, she suggested I start reading about it. It all fit…it was me. Described every fiber of my being. Every book and article I read seemed like it was written just for me. I read and read…couldn’t get enough of it. I wanted information. I wanted to know myself, understand myself.
It took quite awhile, a number of years actually, but I finally realized that I was not alone in these thoughts, needs. I began to think there might actually be people out there, who were like me…decent people, people who had integrity and good moral compasses that had these same needs. I couldn’t possibly be alone in this could I? In a world so vast, what are the chances I am the only one?
Out of the darkness, I held my breath and dared to take the step…the step to try to understand…well, understand…me. Just as I found books and articles, I began to look for like-minded people. I was shocked at what I found…there were more than I ever imagined.
I learned, like I’m sure everyone has, the hard way, that there are people in this lifestyle that do not have integrity. Men, who call themselves Doms as an unscrupulous way to get laid. Thankfully, my radar in reading people and my trust issues, along with everything I read, saved me from what could have happened. As much as I tried to be open to all this, my barriers were still up….protecting me.
Then, quite unexpectedly, I took a chance. I don’t even know what compelled me, but I opened up to a close friend about the sexual abuse. Other than my therapist, in 40 years, I have NEVER told anyone about that. I was terrified about what she would think of me (a common effect in abuse victims). Her response took my breath away…she was full of grace and love. Quite a few layers of bricks came down with her response. I am so very grateful to her. Other than my son, I had never felt that emotional connection with anyone. It paved the way for what was to come. The beginning of my true journey to embracing me…all of me. It was her understanding that gave me the courage to step out of the darkness and open myself up to the possibilities.
The possibilities presented themselves to me. It has been a bit of roller coaster. The ups and downs, the twists and turns. It opened up my world…in a way I never expected nor could have imagined.
But I also know, that if I hadn’t taken that first step with my friend … she is more than a friend, sometimes I call her my sister … but I don’t know what the word is for more than those. I also have shared with her that I am submissive and she has even been accepting of that. How did I get so lucky? If I hadn’t taken that first step with her, I would not have been brave enough to that first step that eventually lead me to Him…my Master.
After talking, and talking, and more talking … it happened … he said two little words to me, that I was unaware would bring me such a sense of … well, peace. I did not know I had longed to hear them.
Just two little words, I live to hear them, ache to hear them, they are like air for me to breathe, they give purpose…those two little words “good girl”.
My journey, my pathway had begun.
It has been an emotional roller coaster, as many can relate to. One of which I am still on. It has been down right terrifying at times. Times of self-reflection and philosophical. Other times, exciting and fun. I have learned and am still learning much about myself as I open up to Master … as I open to myself. But I am committed. I have spent too many years denying myself and being denied. I made the commitment to myself that I am going to embrace … well … ME! ALL of me!
Right now, I wonder if anything I want for myself will ever happen…it feels disheartening at the moment. But I also know that I’m not willing to give up hope. Because I want more, need more. I also know I CAN'T go back. I see how far how I’ve come since last spring. I am going to continue to embrace … me.
Each one of us, Dominant or submissive, we all walk our own path. Hoping to find that we are not alone in our thoughts, desires, fears and challenges, hoping that we may find others whose paths may cross ours and will walk beside us. Sharing, supporting, advising and guiding until we find our balance. Some (me) hoping to find that one person, who truly gets us, accepts us, flaws, baggage, beauty, kink and all. I am hopeful of what is to come. I thought I was ready, “going into this with my eyes wide open”. I had no idea my heart would follow.
So, inch by inch, I will get closer to my goal, guided by the light I can see far off in the distance. Right now, this metamorphasis has exhausted me and I will rest. I know that part of the process is the struggle. Right now, I am in the metamorphos state, struggling, changing, growing. As I grow, I will push with all my might and one day, hopefully shed the last of my cocoon and reach my potential as the beautiful submissive I was born to be and fly.