My Submissive Heart and Soul

This is me. Who I am. 

I've never really paid attention too much to the zodiac but I do think that each sign has strong characteristics and we usually have some of those personality traits.  

My sign is Cancer. I am apparently ruled by the moon. 🌙 

My sign ... 

I find it intriguing today ..  almost everything I've read about Cancer personality traits have been bang on ... so who am I to question?!

Most of them are not news to me ... I knew already ... I just find it interesting that I resemble them so closely ...  

So ... some key things to know about me ...  

ALL OF THESE!! ...

FOR SURE .... 

UUMMM ... YEAH ... ABSOLUTELY!! ... 

.... AND OH YES... ABSOLUTELY...

So... in summary ...

I am very sensual, sexual, feel deeply, will move heaven and earth for those I love. If feel neglected may retreat and difficult to get back. If angry enough, it takes alot to get there, but if I do, you better run.

One site says ... 

Will always put you first.

Your best friend, greatest lover. 

Rare to find. If found, keep them.

Yes...all of the above are true to me.

Maybe this requires more attention.  🤔  hhhmmmm ... 

So true!!

In re-reading my blog from last night, I realize it seemed … A little bleak. 

Don’t get me wrong, I have HOPE … an ENORMOUS amount of it for the future!! 

I know that right now, as I mentioned in a previous blog, I am in my metamorphic state … where I am changing, growing the most. And that this is THE most painful and exhausting stage.  As the changes take place and the struggle continues in shedding my previous self, and the transformation takes place, there will be times I need to just rest, and be quiet.  Let my mind and heart rest and be safe. 

Right now, that is where I am.  Need to try to quiet my mind, quiet my heart and just rest and re-energize, and recoup. Because I know I need to, because right now, I am just tired.  Because I know there is still more to come.  It is both during the struggling and rest, that the most growth takes place.  

As much as I want this part to be over, it cannot be.  I must go through it all, experience it all, feel it all.  So I can grow from it.  I know that.  It always seems to take me some time to realize that, sometimes, I just need to stop and rest, and let nature take its course. The way things need to. 

The difficult part in that, is trying to keep my little under control.  She is uncomfortably close to a full blown melt-down, temper tantrum to get my way, to have my way! (If you wonder what she looks like - this picture is soooo me!)  I WANT what I WANT!!  NOW!  Unfortunately, that is not going to happen as quickly as I would like.  So, I am going to try very hard to stay calm, breathe. 

I know I am anxious … and yes, impatient.  I want to run towards my future. Partly because I know how short life can be.  And I feel I’ve lost/wasted so much of mine denying myself. And I don’t want to do that one minute longer.  I want it all.  I want it all now! I want to enjoy how much life and excitement my future has to offer.  I just want it now (I know, I know… patience).  Something my little SEVERELY lacks.  🙄🙄 SOOO … in trying to keep her calm … I MUST rest, rejuvenate … breathe … just breathe.

And remind myself “EVERYTHING IS A MIRACLE” and that I truly believe things happen for a reason, and they happen WHEN THE TIME IS RIGHT.  So … okay … breathing … (but hurry up … pleeeasssse??)  (LOL … sorry .. can’t help myself!)   

At least I can still laugh at myself!  Always a good sign … right???🤔

Sometimes, I get to the point that I just become silent, needing to retreat within my cocoon, even though I know I am out-growing it, it is my back-up place, what I know.

Frustration, need, chaos in my head, wants, craving. 

The person I want the most to be here with me, or to be where they are, is not.  I can’t just say “I need you now” and He can be here, where I can feel His arms around me, the touch of His hand, His voice in my ear.  I just read one of SCG’s latest posts on making LDRs work.

I understand that each relationship has its own set of unique challenges, however, for those who do get to have their Daddy/Master/Sir every day, see them, touch them, talk face-to-face, please enjoy it and do not take it for granted.  Being in a LDR adds a whole other dimension of issues and challenges.  

For those in LDRs … we would give ANYTHING to have even just one minute of real touch, real talk. We wait, anxiously, impatiently for that little sound on our phone indicating we have a message, or when their name appears on the screen.  Time with them, ANY time is precious, and we crave it so. It is important for us to know they are thinking of us too, without us initiating. It is important for us to hear their voice. What we would give for just a minute of those things every day.

We submissives are needy things. They (Doms) must know this.  We need to feel safe and secure, accepted. Yes, we need them to teach us and guide us through this very intense world of emotional and physical awareness and discovery.  But most of all, we need their reassurance, consistency and love. Everyday. We devote our thoughts every waking moment to our Daddy/Master/Sir. Is it any wonder why when that is not readily available to us for periods of time, that we become emotional shipwrecks? Now add the LD factor to that, where you don’t have that physical, face-to-face time to wash away all those insecurities. Choosing this lifestyle alone is difficult, choosing to be in a LDR is that much more difficult.  Don’t get me wrong, I do not regret my decision. Just know that when you do, whether Dom or sub, it takes effort, consideration every day to make time, to let each other know, what they mean to us. Remember the old saying, “it’s the small things that make a difference”.

In the good times, bad times and even the ugly times … I wouldn’t change my decision.   

I read something today … 

“There are only two ways to live your life.  One is as though nothing is a miracle.  The other is as though EVERYTHING IS A MIRACLE”.   by Albert Einstein

I am mostly a believer of the latter, that things happen for a reason … but, there are some moments, when things get overwhelming, it is a struggle not to be overcome with thoughts, doubts and fears that draw you towards the other. That is when we need our Daddy/Master/Sir’s reassurances. 

I have been doing a lot of thinking these days. How short life is. Like everyone, I've experienced a lot in my life. Painful times, loss of dear friends taken from us much too early, fear of losing those I love too soon. It is because of those things, because we know things can change in a minute, as I get older, I have come to know how life works.  Life is fleeting and it is precious.  I believe with all my heart, when you find happiness, when you find someone who fills your heart, gives you hope for the future, and faith in yourself, you have to grab hold and hold on to them. 

I don’t know what is in store for my future. So, for now, I will hold on.  And will just be silent.

❤❤❤❤❤

Yup..another sleepless night. It has been a bit of a reflective night. It was my son's 20th birthday the other day and all I've been able to think of has been how much has changed in my life the last few years, and most especially this past year. As he gains his independence and tests the waters ... so have I! I remember something my soul-sister said to me last spring..."you have devoted your life to being there for him, giving him all you have, now it's time to devote your life to yourself .. it's your time now". She was right. 

As I look back at this last year ... almost to the day when I took my first step to truly opening up to someone and what has taken place since then ... oh my ... as much as I know I am still a baby in this lifestyle and have much to discover, learn, enjoy and get excited for ... I can see how far I've come. Some strides have been bigger than others, sometimes it's been 2 steps forward and 3 back! I struggle still with insecurities, doubts and fears...and patience... or lack of it really! It's a process, right? I am getting there. One day at a time so eveyone tells me! But I also see how much more confident I am in so many ways than ever before and how much happier I am being ... well ... me.

Exploring my sexuality, my desires, my deepest darkest secrets.

Growing as a woman, submissive and a person. Some of those dark secret desires don't scare me as much as they did before, thanks to my Master. He has helped me by being so very accepting of me ... all of me. And as I become more open to them, the thoughts of some of them have become exciting!! 😏😏  He has opened up my world in more ways than I never could have imagined and I am so very grateful everyday we found each other. 

I feel the tides shifting a little and whenever they do, it is always a little scary as I try to find my balance. A few times I have been tempted to try to crawl back into the safety and quietness of my cocoon. Thankfully, I have met some truly amazing people here who have helped me figure out what my next step is, people with experience and wisdom have given me sound advice and some of whom have become so very special in my life. Grateful to have found them all, privileged to now call them friends.

The tides are shifting. While I wait for some peaceful smooth-sailing seas, today, even as I am still unsure of what will be, I patiently (well, trying anyways) wait for that to be revealed. Even though I am still trying to find my balance, strangely, I feel a sense of peace in it all. In that I truly believe I am right where I am supposed to be, with whom I am supposed to be with and headed in the direction I am meant to be headed.

I am excited to see where these winds will take me. I will endeavor to be open to learning all there is for me to discover, learn, experience and enjoy the journey ... my new journey. 

One thing I've really noticed ... is how much I tend to speak in metaphors more now than ever before! LMAO   I still prefer my cocoon/metamorphosis as I feel it truly resembles me and where I'm at right now. ... but I'm kind of liking the whole open sea metaphor now too! 

🐛🦋⛵

...starting to get a little punchy I think !!  .. sleep would be good now 😴😴

... that kind of week ...

It’s been a quiet day, cold and windy ... a great day to curl up under a blanket and watch a girl movie!

I watched a movie called the Age of Adeline. The storyline is a woman who, after an accident, stops aging. And as I watched this movie of this woman who didn’t age and spent over 80 years living a shell of a life, hiding her secret. Never allowing herself to get close enough to anyone to truly share her true self with. Never allowing herself to love deeply enough to trust anyone with her secret.

She did get married at one point, and had a child with that man. In the story he dies and she and her child are left alone. Her daughter becomes the only person who knows her secret and they are always self-protecting.

Not that she doesn’t have happy moments through her life, but any time someone gets too close or the relationship develops her fear kicks in and she runs. Then as fate would have it, years later she falls in love with a man who turns out to be the son of a man years ago, who was in love with her, and that time she ran as well. When he realizes that she’s the same woman from so many years ago that he loved he confronts her and begs her to stay for his son. But there’s a line he says to her and it resonated to me like writing on the wall “ all these years you’ve lived, but you’ve never had a life, Free Yourself, Stay”. . I’m sorry for ruining the end of the movie for anybody who hasn’t seen it, in the end she makes the decision to stop running, and makes the conscious choice to trust him with her true self, and truthfully, with her life. Trusting that he cares enough about her and he only wants the best for her.

As I watch the movie come to an end I realized the parallel of this whole movie to my life. This journey that I’m on has certainly become more than I ever expected. I see, how for so many years I’ve spent living a shell of a life, going through the motions. Don’t get me wrong, it hasn’t all been bad, I’ve had some wonderful moments in my life, the birth of my son being the most significant. But with the exception of him, I never trusted anyone enough to let them in, to let them close enough to see the real me. Never close enough for anyone to ever know my secret. Until recently, almost a year ago to be exact.

And then a few short months later I met a man, a Dom, who is now my Master. I had already spent the last few years researching and reading as much as I could to learn and understand myself and who I really am. But that was all the theory, the practical part. It wasn’t until I met you Master, that my world opened up. I had no idea what to expect, sometimes I still don’t. As much as I was excited about pursuing this life, I was just as terrified.

There has been wonderment, joy, confusion, fears, excitement. I had the deer in the headlights syndrome, not knowing really where to turn and wanting to turn and run away out of fear. But you were so patient with me. You didn’t push, you didn’t rush, instead you held out your hand and waited for me to take hold of it by my own choice.

And for the first time in my life, I took a chance. I trusted, it was blind trust plain and simple. After talking awhile, I knew I had to take that step towards you if I wanted to truly embrace myself and embrace this life. And I am so grateful that I did. In these months since summer, for the first time ever, I am living my life… as the real me. Not to say that it hasn’t been like riding a roller coaster but the emotions I have opened myself up to have been real, true and raw. Emotions have flipped up and down and hit hard.

Some of them are love, completeness, freedom, adoration, the need to please, pride, but most of all, a feeling of finally “coming home". There have also been feelings of guilt, insecurities jealousy, failure, dependency, fear of inadequacy. Feeling disappointment in myself, fear of disappointing you.

But through it all, you have shown and proven to me that I can trust you. Trust you with my body, my emotions, my mind my thoughts and desires, and my heart. And I know that as we continue to move forward and discover, that you have my best interest at heart and just want me to happy in my submission to you and embrace and love the real me.
I don’t know what will happen next, what things we'll discover and learn, but I feel safe in discovering them with you Master.

There have been ups and downs and challenges.

The things I do know are the most important…

I can trust you, I am safe with you, I know that you accept me for me, with all my darkest secrets, desires, thoughts, I know they are safe with you and there is no judgement. And that you will guide me and teach me with caring and respect and love. And that you will not let me venture into anything that could bring me harm.

I know that this is just the tip of the iceberg and that I’m just starting out but I also know but I wouldn’t want to be doing it with anybody else Master.

So I guess I’m feeling a bit sentimental today after this movie, but everyday, know that I am so very thankful that we found each other. 

Since I posted my first blog last night, I've not been able to turn my thoughts about it off. I was tempted to remove it by the middle of the night. I am a very private person...but have decided,  for now it will remain. 

I don't want it to be about my abuse. I've dealt with that, and am now ready to truly leave it in the past, where it belongs. It may have defined the kind of person I became as an adult, which even I can see, has been a strong, determined and confident woman and loving mother. But I also think we can redefine ourselves.   I want it to be about that...the beginning of my new path. This beautiful, scary, exhilarating, exhausting road to finding my true self and being open to her and to my Master. To show that even though I've been through the thickest mud, I can still walk but most of all for the first time ... really ... let myself ... feel. We've all experienced hardships, loss and pain. My hope is that my blog will reflect that even through all of that, there is so much hope, love and yes, adventures to be had. And I have come too far to not explore my whole potential, as a woman, as a submissive and as a person.

I will admit that this is the first time in many years I have allowed myself to be so emotionally connected with anyone (my son being the exception) and I find myself in uncharted territory. I will admit that feeling this vulnerable and exposed to anyone has caused some of what I feel happening right now is the final shedding of my cocoon. And as the analogy goes, it is that final stage of metamorphosis that is the most painful, where the biggest changes and growth take place. And it is scary. There are times when I want to shrink so i can remain inside it's comfort. 

On the other side of that though, I know I cannot. It doesn't fit me anymore. And I have seen glimpses of my potential, glimpses of endless possibilities and they give me hope and strength to put one foot in front of the other.  I will keep my eyes focused on my Master. He is an amazing man (a very patient one too).💖  And I am so very grateful to have Him in my life.

I can't wait to see what is on the horizon!