I have used the analogy of how I have felt like the caterpillar becoming the butterfly for how things have unfolded for me in this past year or so. Last I mentioned it, I felt like I was going through the radical metamorphis stage, the time of most change and transformation. Also, the time of most struggle, pain and also, rest. Because the change is so radical, the struggle also forces time of rest, in order to endure the final transformation.
Well, these last few weeks, I feel I am at that final transformation and am ready to emerge … the new, beautiful and confident me … ready to test my wings and take flight.
What has happened in the last few weeks that has abetted this final shedding of the safety of my cocoon??
Well, a couple weeks ago … my step-father, one of my abusers passed away.
While it seemed and felt like that event took me 2 steps backward, the last couple of days have proven to be the most empowering for me.
A close friend said to me “he cannot hurt you anymore; the only thing that can hold you back now … is you”. And she is right. Physically, he cannot hurt me anymore. Emotionally, I have been, in these past few months, working through the final things I needed to face in order to move on completely.
I realized the other day, my connection to him is gone … completely. There no longer is any kind of connection to him. The last couple of days, I have done A LOT of processing things in my head. The other night, while perhaps not the best time of night to go walking (after midnight, but it’s a pretty safe area), while I was walking, at one point, I took a deep breath and as I let it out, I felt like the weight of 1,000 bricks left me. I felt lighter, noticed my shoulders straighten, my pace quickened. It was like there was a physical purge of all the energy spent these past days of tears, hurt, anger, etc. Yesterday, I felt that much better. I went for a late night walk again last night and felt that same release.
I realized, healing is not a destination, but a practice and an understanding. While I know I will still have times that those old feelings emerge, BUT, I will learn to push through my wounds instead of being paralized by them. My spirit will expand far past the edges of my pain. What happened to me does not define me. My choices define me. And I CHOOSE to be free from the way it can still affect my life.
I am in my 57th year now (58 is coming soon-yikes!), yet young in spirit. I have an ABUNDANCE OF LOVE and interests in life, the days are far too short for me. Yet, the child in me needs to be held, to be listened to.
I’ve given that little girl in me her voice, and let her tell her story. She has had a lot to say and I am learning to let her feelings come out in a healthy way. She deserves to have her feelings acknowledged. It’s time to give her the inner peace she has so desperately needed. She’s a part of who I am. I am proud of the things she survived, she endured a lot in her lifetime and still to be fighting is an extraordinary thing.
I deserve to experience and enjoy all the love, passion and excitement life has to offer. I know it’s a process, it might take time, but it will happen. Only now, I will learn as I take flight!!
I feel I have shed the last of my cocoon. I see my reflection, and what I see, is the beautiful woman I was born to be. I am ready to test my new wings and fly and reach my potential, as a woman, as a submissive, as a person.
To those who hurt me…
I can’t change the past, but I can move on from it. I don’t forgive either of you. I don’t feel forgiveness at all. If I said I could forgive you, I’d be setting myself up for failure. All those feelings I had towards you, as well as the ones you made me feel towards myself, were like a blanket covering the real me. The fortress I built around my heart was high, and deep and strong. But a couple wonderful people have helped me remove the bricks and mortar of my fortress, slowly, as I've felt more safe.
I’m separating myself from the unhealthy parts of my past that took root inside me, including the fear that I, for most of my life, let drive my own adult decisions when it came to relationships.
I won’t let that hold me back any longer. No more holding back, no more fear of being vulnerable. No more.
You deserve no credit for this. I survived a traumatic experience and violation, and came out an amazing, smart, driven, kind and beautiful woman.
However, you do not get to claim my success. I did this on my own. I’ve wasted too much time and energy on you and I've learned to put it towards fixing what you broke. Now that I have, I feel you should know what you caused, but as well as the result.
From,
The girl whose childhood you stole, the woman whose future you will not take.
You will NOT have my present or future.
I am choosing to stop suffering, to put down the burden that didn’t serve me. I am going to reclaim my power and look to the road ahead. I’ve learned a lot about myself, some of it through the eyes of other people, some of it through the transformation that has been taking place.
Justice for me … is being happy in my life.
Being open to REAL LOVE, REAL JOY and all it has to offer. And that is what I plan to do. Open myself up to it all.
No more holding back, no more waiting. No more fear of saying what I need or want.
I know what I want, what I need. I also know what I don’t want and don’t need. And I am no longer going to be afraid to pursue it.
My heart is open and free and full. This beautiful butterfly is ready to fly and discover all the wonder there is. This woman is ready to embrace her life and all the LOVE and JOY she deserves to have and feel.
Even I don’t know all I am capable of yet … but my oh my, lookout world, here I come!! There’s a post that I saw recently, that puts into words exactly how I feel at the moment …
💝💝💝💝💝💝
