I find myself thinking of those from my past today. Some from a long time ago, some from not so long ago. People that have moved on physically and spiritually.
I wonder how some of them are doing. What their lives look like. How they've changed.
How have I changed? People say I have a lot but I'm still the insecure little girl I was before. I'm just better at hiding it.
I'm better at playing pretend.
Does it make a bad sub to not be able to show vulnerability? To build walls and barriers to protect myself? Maybe.
Things have been rough and great lately. I feel like I'm on a roller-coaster without any safety barriers. But to anyone looking at me they will see a smile, they will see optimism and a go with the flow attitude. Some days it's harder to show my vulnerabilities. I will hide behind jokes, laughter, I will change the subject. I will quickly reinforce weak spots.
I struggle to let others see those parts of me.
I was told I need to grow. That i wasn't ready for a dynamic. I wasn't mature enough to have a partner. I wasn't good enough to do many things. I wasn't ready for the next step. I wasn't submissive. I wasn't enough.
But I'm still standing. I'm still here. I may not fully know myself yet, but I'm still learning and growing. Yes some days I don't want to adult, but there's a kink for that!
Thanks for reading my gush of whatever this is lol.
I hope you enjoy the rest of your day or night whichever timezone you're in.
Till next time!
