I’ve always had a hard time with feelings. More specifically, allowing myself to HAVE feelings for someone. It started off as a defense mechanism. Building my walls out of adamant, and so high they were a fortress. This was done to protect myself, to allow me to flow through life unwavered by these ‘feelings’.
At one point I realized that this fortress I built was truly impenetrable. Even I did not know how to lower the walls. For years I’ve been working at them, scowering the walls, looking for even the tiniest of cracks..then it happened.
I met a dom online. It started out like every other encounter I’ve had. We talked every day for weeks, getting to know each other,and we never ran out of things to talk about. One day he asked if I could try to open up more and allow him in. Funny thing was, he had already started to wiggle his way in...slipping through a crack I hadn’t realized was starting in that black adamant wall of mine.
I had grown accustom to hearing from him everyday. This man was truly in my heart, allowing me to feel things I had not felt in years. Was I worried? Yes! I decided to take the chance and jump in anyway. I soon accepted his offer to be my first dom. The thought of this did not scare me. It made me feel like I was finally at peace. A sense of calm had washed over me. Two days later...he ghosted me
I cannot tell you how deeply this affected me. At first I was mad. Mad at him, then mad at myself. Why the hell did I let him in. WHY?!? I know better than to let someone in, because once they get in, they will forever have a piece of me...and I can never get that back..ever.
I cried and cried. I cried at home, at work in the bathroom, in my car..everywhere. I felt like I couldn’t talk to anyone about this, that I had no one to turn to. At this point I realized something. If he was able to walk away so easily, I never truly meant that much to him. So I decided to pick my grown ass up off the floor, shake off the sadness, and be thankful.
Thankful that I can feel for someone. He may have broken a piece of my heart, but in the end, it is open. Open and ready for someone who won’t hurt it. Someone who will hold it with such care and look after it.
Not only are my eyes open for a new life and experience, so is my heart. I’m ready to catch those feelings and love with everything I have.
A Literary Submissive
