If You Care To Find Me, Look To The Western Sky...

HER…

HER, perfectly made, without fault, hand molded and shaped, every part of HER. Whose mouth is sweet as dew yet bites like a fang.
Oh how i wish that i was HER, to never falter. To know exactly how to kneel, when to kneel. To be perfect as HER.
Oh to be HER, knowing exactly how to devour his cock eagerly and greedily taking it with such poise. How to beg for more.
Oh to be HER, desiring to be used
Oh to be HER the image being larger than reality.
Oh to be HER, being chased by me, to be HER.
Oh to be HER, as she would look at me and kiss his mouth, with slyness in HER eyes.
Oh to be HER, as she would point at me and laugh, while he fucks HER.
Oh to be HER, as she slaps me over and over, saying “you will never compete with me, for I am perfection!”
Oh to be her, as I wrap my hands around her neck.
Oh to be her, as I spit on her face.
Oh to be her, as I beat her down, pummeling with clenched fists and solid kicks.
Oh to be her, as I watch her eyes grow wide as she learns.
Oh to be her, as I whisper against her ear, telling of her truth “you are not real”
Oh to be her, as I watch her scratch and claw screaming “but i am perfection, i am all the desires,and wants, i was made to be perfect!”
Oh to be her, as I push her fighting to the edge, we tumble into the black waters.
Oh to be her, as I drag her down, down deeper into the depths where no one wants to go.
Oh to be her, as I kick down further to icy depths, for here is where I swim.
Oh to be her, struggling, not knowing how to swim, trying to cling tight.
Oh to be her, looking up to ME, reaching out as she slips deeper and deeper.
Oh to be ME, as I swim up and break the surface, air fills my lungs with life.
Oh to be ME…

I can listen to this song on repeat, there is just something about his voice and the story being told  

Having flowers on the table, just brightens my whole day.

Upon entering my home I shed all my clothes, enter the shower and wash the outside world away. From the moment my feet step onto the bathmat, I will remain bare. Walking nude with only the collar and leash, which runs down the center of my back. I feel the handle brush along my buttocks  as my hips sway. 

My skin is still damp and the cool morning air causes my skin to rush with goosebumps and my nipples contract and harden. My posture is strong as I stand naked by the window looking out onto the vast farm scape, sipping my coffee. I take to the sofa, draping my shoulders with a buttersoft thin robe, I take up my pen and notebook and write my “to-do” list and goals for my days off. 

I remain nude and unrestrained for 48 hours, only donning a light dress when I must venture briefly to the outdoors.My sense of self, and strength grows as my body rejuvenates by being free of the burden of clothing.I go about my day doing household chores; vacuuming, dishes, laundry-all in the nude 

Every step and move my body makes, I notice how my shoulders set back, how my chin lifts, how I move with a gentle grace, soft foot falls, no stomping around. How my heart beats slow and steady. I feel everything as I walk nude. 

I gaze in the mirror and no longer see flaws, I see every curve, every stretchmark, every scar, I embrace each one. I see my beauty through all my scars, and fears and doubts. I see the physical strength from biking, weights and Pilates;  my legs grow muscular, waist narrowing, shoulders defining posture lengthening. Even  when seeing my skin loosen and sag as my body repairs itself, I don't cry anymore. I embrace the apron belly and am proud of what my body is capable of. 

I am fucking beautiful, and stunning. I am powerful in who I am

The soft velvet petals linger on my senses 

As the chain keeps my feet secure to the ground 

10 miles ridden everyday 

weights everyday

pilates everyday 

growth everyday 

meal prepping everyday 

never giving up everyday 

this is me from the day I turned 50 on May 16 to yesterday  2 months of hard work, learning and falling, getting back up,  pushing myself  tears on the last mile ready to give up  

submitting and owning myself and my responsibilities  this is me and I will not stop 

The aroma of strong roasted coffee fills the airs and I leisurely await for thr carafe to fill  I watch each drop as it suspends then releases to fill the line   

i gaze out the window through the gauze curtain, watching the clouds simply be.  I long to shed my fears and drive my desires with a sure and sound voice. 

for now I cradle my coffee and sip, enjoying each moment I am given  proud of who I am, knowing my start, and all my faults,  I am simply me  

My day was free, free to sit outside under the shade of my apricot tree I sat and read, worked on my manuscript, editing, changing thoughts of plot lines.  Resting my head back and closed my eyes and listened to the breeze drift across the plains  I wandering my yard , saw the blooms of Hens & Chicks .  Summer heat is here. My body is alive and hungers for a simple life. 

This is my 50!  I’ve been 50 for 2months now  my life is on a path that I didn’t think I would be on . A path that will have struggles and will spend nights alone  I’ve learned that those nights are not scary but a time to grow, rejuvenate my spirit  

I’ve put more time into my writings and have a cloudy timeline to get published  

this is my 50 and I love it