I sit here on my patio sipping coffee and reading a smut book. It is May 1st, the first day of my birthday month. May 16 I will turn 51. I think back to one year ago. I was in my cocoon, I was fighting for my life.
I started spinning my cocoon at the start of February, I began to change. I chucked out a mindset it had been stuck in. I looked deep into who I was and who I want to become. I needed to find ME, the girl that has been hidden for so long.
I started taking “selfies” of myself, lots and lots of them. I took photos of myself daily. I tried different lighting, filters, and props. I wanted to see “me” . I stopped reading and watching all the self help, guru books and videos. I did what I wanted to do, I wanted to become ME.
I spun the silk and wrapped myself securely. I was filled with fear and anxiety. I never knew what the day would bring. I didn't give up, I kept going. I put myself into my career, and into my family, and I stopped with idle gossip and worrying what others thought of me.
I was curious about some of the Doms here on this site. I decided to start talking to them and I found out they were, and are kind men. And they have become my friends. I gained a mentor who guided me and still gives me sound advice. I was able to grow in so many ways, and still am.
I always thought I was the scared rabbit, shaking and ready to run for cover under a thorny bush, to escape the gnashing teeth of the wolf at my tail. But now I understand more. That I am still the little rabbit, but I want to be chased and hunted. I want to be the slave crawling with purpose on my Masters leash. I want to be the muse of my Doms desires. I now want to show my dark desires just as much as I show my simple desires. Be a fiery voice. I want to be the loving soft place for him to rest. I now know that I am all those things, I want to stand with him, beside him and behind him. Serving him, protecting him.
I've learned that “Cunt” is not a dirty derogatory word. But is more of a word of devoted ownership. I have gained so much knowledge in this past year, and I will keep learning more and growing. I have finally learned that I am worthy, and desirable. That I can love to love.
I will write a few more blogs as I lead up to my birthday on the 16th. Sharing how my life has changed in one year.