The Pendulum

I am most attracted to dominant energy; gender is less relevant. Age plays a part as well - I tend to assume younger (than me) people are submissive and older people are dominant, when looking from afar. When meeting people for the first time, I look for dominant energy and gravitate to those who possess it. I am enthusiastic and more comfortable in my skin when I am talking with a dominant - I come across more natural and want to please them - I want them to want me, to desire me, maybe even poses me; such are my fleeting fantasies.

Sadomasochist. - for me I started sadistic and evolved into a masochist. I think my sadism was a result of wanting to emulate and become my abusers. I did experience the sexual excitement of sadistic play, but only if my masochistic muse wanted it too or their pain was not necessarily directly a result of my actions. Otherwise pain holds no interest to me and am repulsed by causing pain to someone who does not desire it. Because I am at my root a submissive and want to please - even in the role of sadist, I must serve, give, provide, do what they want, pleasure them.

As a submissive masochist, I enjoy dominants’ attention. I crave it, am addicted to it, and will do almost anything to get it. If a limit is reached, I will be disappointed I cannot comply to please and I will be saddened. I realize my submissive-masochistic disposition makes me vulnerable to predators. I think what protects me are a long list of scruples and hang-ups that require security of trust and some amount of “relationship” status before I am willing to explore intimacy of this nature.

Intimacy, trust, desired, cared for, cared about, wanted. All this is true of vanilla relationships - for me these attributes are especially true for a sado-masochistic relationship. My desire for pain coincides with my dom’s desire to dish it out. He/Her/Them inflicts “it” (it being pain, degradation, rape, etc) because it turns them on and I want to receive because it pleases them and I may take more intensity because my dom wants more from me. It is a symbiotic relationship, and I need as least a little “it” to make sex pleasurable for me.

Certainly I have fantasies of being objectified, used, abused, by strangers - I might fulfill a fantasy of this sort should my dom loan me out to (a) trusted friend(s). In any case, I must be able to really know and at least admire my dom before I am willing to entertain there desires. But I will want to submit to them at some level before then.

I try to avoid “equal” relationships; perhaps the only tolerable equal relationship would be with a switch (someone who enjoys the top and the bottom roles at different times). Those seeking equality avoid hurting or being hurt - they do not want it or understand it. I’m not sure if I can perform sexually in this situation: for example, I once hooked up with a man to see what “hook up” would be like. I did not get the sense he was dominant or submissive, but was attracted to his build and age. His only desire was to kiss and give me a blowjob. As hard as I tried, using imagery etc, I couldn’t keep my penis hard; I suggested he could he could whip me a bit with my belt, it might help. But he refused and we parted both disappointed. I don’t know if the belting would have help, he did not have a dominant disposition, so physical attraction was not enough for me.

I’m married to an equal. I find it hard to desire her physically. She is very attractive, but her physical body is not enough for me. I think I create conflict to tip the scales. Once we got into a big fight and I got in her face and she slapped me - it was awesome and I had hope that we could steer the relationship into some workable version of dom/sub. But she felt terrible about it and we returned to dismal equality. Later, I asked her if we could try FLR (Female Led Relationship); I even bought her a book on the subject. She didn’t read the book and she joked about it from time to time but not in sadistic or degrading way, so I felt insulted and let it go.

These days, I look for way’s of hurting myself. I finally decided to put myself into a chastity cage. I masturbate way too much, and I know I am a more dedicated husband when I m horny. 0nce i ejaculate, I instantly lose interest in sex or even companionship. So perhaps this will help my marriage. In any case it may help me stay focused.

As a side note, I found it very difficult to find a cage large enough to fit me. I’ve always thought myself to be average size. Or perhaps only small sized men are even interested in being caged. Anyway, the largest I can find is still a little small based upon my measuring, but I will see if I can fit it all in and if uncomfortable, is at least pleasurably uncomfortable. At the time of this writing, it has not arrived yet, so a newer entry will let you know the outcome.

I often fall into the trap of thinking that if I can just overcome this or that obstacle in the world, I will have achieved something great or at least come to a happier and more fulfilled place in my life.  But...

You may have heard the statement or some form of it:  "It's not what the world brings to you, but what you bring to the world."  True also of our perceived obstacles in our way:  "...not what the world puts in our way, but what we put in our own way..." and overcome that brings us to a better or happier place within ourselves.  

Limits are what we put in our way to protect ourselves and keep us (and sometimes others) safe.  I often, without thinking, justify a self-limiting decision or behavior based on keeping myself safe.  When I get a little scared or anxious I "run" back to my safe place and reinforce my LIMIT.  In my profile I list my LIMITS, some I call hard limits, because I can't comprehend what the state of my mind would be if I exceeded a hard limit, or maybe I can and I am not willing to go through that!  I'm not willing to overcome, to push through, to excel into a state of grace beyond the pale of my safe limit.  Some of these limits I hold sacred and should because they may impact other lives and I am not discussing selfish acts that harm or interfere with another life.

I think that in my search for the lifestyle of BDSM that I am pushing my limits already, that I am exploring "unknown" territory, unknown to me.  It is my dreamy imagination that allows me to expect how it will be in my controlled environment and how I will feel, what I will think, and do...and as always, the reality of any real situation will be a stark contrast to my dream of how it would be. Think of going to the carnival or amusement park, the kind with all sorts of rides.  There are slow, almost boring rides; fast paced rides that make me dizzy or a little uneasy; and then there is the massively tall and fast roller-coaster.  I used to see the roller-coaster as one of my hard limits; I'd think "Not that, that is way too scary and I can't imagine what that would be like for me to experience so I'm not even going to think about it, the ferris wheel maybe..."   My limits are how I control my experience so I can expect it to play out more or less how I imagined it and I will be safe.  The experience of the roller-coaster is far different than I imagined it, but while thrilling and sometimes scary in reality, I believe I am safe on it and will survive.  BDSM is much like a carnival; many experiences are fairly tame and can be passively experienced; others are thrilling and downright scary and/or painful, but it is our limits that determine our what we will experience, if anything.

Along with our defined set of limits, I see in the profile is our definition, our role within the scene: Dominant or submissive, Master or slave, Daddy/Mommy or little, Predator or prey.  Our role comes often with set costumes, a script we say or are allowed to say, and a set of loosely pre-defined limits that define our safety zones and safe places.  I myself share with other submissive persons, the desire for security, freedom or relief from making decisions, freedom from having to control my world, not only worth some physical punishment and degradation, but those things are desired to cement my role, my safe place.  To surrender control is a limit in my normal life that I desire to take a break from, and therefore, I seek out the role of the controlled: submissive, slave, little, or prey.  I can understand how giving up control, even for a moment could be a hard limit for a Dominant; how scary and anxiety producing that could be!

I often see self-descriptions of Dominants who say they want to help you push your limits or a submissive who wants their limits exceeded, but not the hard ones.  Some things are really scary, upsetting, and even life altering; its usually those that generate the adrenaline rush or the euphoric subspace.  We're all here because nothing else that we have been willing to submit to has pushed our limits to the extent that we have experienced something exciting, thrilling, or secure as handing over the reigns of life to someone else to manage; or maybe some of us have experienced all this and want more of it.  

When considering your role and limits, think about what you are managing:  are you creating another zone of safety and security or an opportunity to exceed your normality?  There is no judgement, both are valid reasons for coming to this lifestyle, find your truth and ensure you are asking for what is right for you. 

I revisited my limits, I assumed they were all hard limits, but after reviewing them, I decided it was time to push myself a little further:

  Yelling: you are in control; I prefer a sweet quiet sadistic threat (removing...see how I want to control). Scat (not sure how this would play out, but I hope my dom is not afraid to give me an enema for cleanliness or other reasons, so removing and relying on safe words should the need arise). Condoms for penetration (I prefer flesh on flesh but unless I have written proof that you and I are free from STDs, safe sex is requirement). Blood letting (I get anxious when the nurse wants to take my blood so I'm going to remove this too, another control issue). Piercing (survivable so...removing). Permanent body alterations (if I am facing castration or a forced sex change, I really didn't do my homework and get to know the person I am letting go to so, I'm removing this and trusting that I will vet my dom long before we get to Permanent Body alternations, I really am more worried about tattoos.)

Here is my Updated limit list - I guess they are all "Hard" limits, why have soft limits?

No involvement of animals or persons legally unable to give consent (persons under the age of 18 or legally incompetent); Condoms required for sexual penetration unless we both provide written proof that we are both free from STDs).  Safe-words required and respected by all involved.

I believe change is happening; men are losing or giving up their grip on their power over women and women are taking it.  More and more women are entering and controlling business; more are getting into politics, still more are dominating in the home or at least providing the primary household income.

Many men, like me, are ready and willing to relinquish the power.  What will the future of FLW look like?  Will we become more gender equal or will the power shift completely to a female version of the last several thousand years of male dominance?  How will women subjugate men?  Will women copy the style of men or will women invent their own style of dominance?