I am most attracted to dominant energy; gender is less relevant. Age plays a part as well - I tend to assume younger (than me) people are submissive and older people are dominant, when looking from afar. When meeting people for the first time, I look for dominant energy and gravitate to those who possess it. I am enthusiastic and more comfortable in my skin when I am talking with a dominant - I come across more natural and want to please them - I want them to want me, to desire me, maybe even poses me; such are my fleeting fantasies.
Sadomasochist. - for me I started sadistic and evolved into a masochist. I think my sadism was a result of wanting to emulate and become my abusers. I did experience the sexual excitement of sadistic play, but only if my masochistic muse wanted it too or their pain was not necessarily directly a result of my actions. Otherwise pain holds no interest to me and am repulsed by causing pain to someone who does not desire it. Because I am at my root a submissive and want to please - even in the role of sadist, I must serve, give, provide, do what they want, pleasure them.
As a submissive masochist, I enjoy dominants’ attention. I crave it, am addicted to it, and will do almost anything to get it. If a limit is reached, I will be disappointed I cannot comply to please and I will be saddened. I realize my submissive-masochistic disposition makes me vulnerable to predators. I think what protects me are a long list of scruples and hang-ups that require security of trust and some amount of “relationship” status before I am willing to explore intimacy of this nature.
Intimacy, trust, desired, cared for, cared about, wanted. All this is true of vanilla relationships - for me these attributes are especially true for a sado-masochistic relationship. My desire for pain coincides with my dom’s desire to dish it out. He/Her/Them inflicts “it” (it being pain, degradation, rape, etc) because it turns them on and I want to receive because it pleases them and I may take more intensity because my dom wants more from me. It is a symbiotic relationship, and I need as least a little “it” to make sex pleasurable for me.
Certainly I have fantasies of being objectified, used, abused, by strangers - I might fulfill a fantasy of this sort should my dom loan me out to (a) trusted friend(s). In any case, I must be able to really know and at least admire my dom before I am willing to entertain there desires. But I will want to submit to them at some level before then.
I try to avoid “equal” relationships; perhaps the only tolerable equal relationship would be with a switch (someone who enjoys the top and the bottom roles at different times). Those seeking equality avoid hurting or being hurt - they do not want it or understand it. I’m not sure if I can perform sexually in this situation: for example, I once hooked up with a man to see what “hook up” would be like. I did not get the sense he was dominant or submissive, but was attracted to his build and age. His only desire was to kiss and give me a blowjob. As hard as I tried, using imagery etc, I couldn’t keep my penis hard; I suggested he could he could whip me a bit with my belt, it might help. But he refused and we parted both disappointed. I don’t know if the belting would have help, he did not have a dominant disposition, so physical attraction was not enough for me.
I’m married to an equal. I find it hard to desire her physically. She is very attractive, but her physical body is not enough for me. I think I create conflict to tip the scales. Once we got into a big fight and I got in her face and she slapped me - it was awesome and I had hope that we could steer the relationship into some workable version of dom/sub. But she felt terrible about it and we returned to dismal equality. Later, I asked her if we could try FLR (Female Led Relationship); I even bought her a book on the subject. She didn’t read the book and she joked about it from time to time but not in sadistic or degrading way, so I felt insulted and let it go.
These days, I look for way’s of hurting myself. I finally decided to put myself into a chastity cage. I masturbate way too much, and I know I am a more dedicated husband when I m horny. 0nce i ejaculate, I instantly lose interest in sex or even companionship. So perhaps this will help my marriage. In any case it may help me stay focused.
As a side note, I found it very difficult to find a cage large enough to fit me. I’ve always thought myself to be average size. Or perhaps only small sized men are even interested in being caged. Anyway, the largest I can find is still a little small based upon my measuring, but I will see if I can fit it all in and if uncomfortable, is at least pleasurably uncomfortable. At the time of this writing, it has not arrived yet, so a newer entry will let you know the outcome.