4 years ago. Monday, December 20, 2021 at 3:07 PM
Curse or blessing?
Crown or crux?
To be 'adorned' with what I have referred to most of my life as, 'a curse' - not only a very high sex drive, but a kinky one at that. Insatiable really. Not sure if one constitutes the other, or not. I dont know.
I have been asked "when did you first know you were a Dom?" To which I would reply "I was born this way"
My first 'wet dream' at 13 years old was a woman tied to a wooden 'X' outside at night. She was topless - probably because I had seen topless women in national geographics magazines. At the time, I didnt even know what a woman looked like below the waist. (Very sheltered, lol). I was never exposed to anything like this, so my mind fabricated it.
Now, as an adult, later in life - my drive has deminished exactly 0%.
Edging myself to the point of insanity as of late.
Where am I going with this? Who the fuck knows.
I can be a gentleman, of course - respectful in all regards. I can be patient, loving, caring, and compassionate - but do take care, oh precious one, which doors you choose to open!
I blamed my kink for the demise of many of my previous relationships. ("A curse"). I felt guilt - severe guilt, for my desires. Even more so when she would give in to please me - let me play a bit. I felt like a monster. How could I want to tie up and beat someone I loved? What is wrong with me?? As hard as I would try, the desires always came back - its ugly head would rise up to destroy what could have been. Resentment builds - blame - distance . . . discord . . . End.
Ive studied psychology alot - for various reasons, but I had to try and understand.
There were pathways grooved deep into my psyche, at the perfect impressionable age (Freud) and modalities that became ingrained into who I am (Jung) I could not stop my desires, not matter how hard I tried (Pavlov, lol).
I joined Fet way back - cant even remember how far back, but I knew kink was in me before John ever launched that site.
It was . . . .? . . . clicky?
It just seemed like I might as well be reading a magazine with pictures. I never really connected with anyone.
I am (or was) a member of every site out there. (Keep in mind, my 'disfunction' started long before internet was a thing).
Fast forward to a few years ago, (spring 2017), I discovered this place - it was slow going at first - but eventually, I found like minded people - real people. I learned that maybe im not so fucked up after all. I have a deeper understanding of the workings and whys of this lifestyle.
I have learned alot.
What I do in the bedroom (with a consenting adult) does not define who I am. It is part of who I am. It is my belief that people in this lifestyle search for 'more' - deeper, more intense - a realm outside the day to day mundane - to define, or re-define roles as sexual human beings. This is the case for me, at least. The church and/or state have no right to determine what I am or am not allowed to do - or should do - with my sex life. (Ok, thats going into soapbox - I digress)
Anyway - to those who love me, and even to those who hate me - my peeps.
A big, heartfelt thank you! ???⚘?