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Underneath superficial

Inside my fucked up world
6 years ago. November 9, 2017 at 9:03 AM

When you feel stuck and you do not know what to do, when all your thoughts just go in circle and you find yourself at square one repeatedly.

When you hit a wall and you think there is nothing you can do, when you give up and let the situation take control...

Sometimes a different way of thinking, a different approach and different attitude will make the biggest difference.

When you have gone through A to Z, and after a while, you forget it, and you are pissed at yourself and you think you are dumb or unintelligent and your confidence is shaken, sometimes all you need is a smallest ass step.

It is easy to doubt yourself it is easy to be disappointed, it is so easy to give in.

It is not always easy to recognize that all you need doesn’t come from anywhere else other than within.

You could be the most knowledgeable person in the universe and still deal with those feelings because of your own unreasonable is so easy to get sucked in your head and criticize yourself to death and no matter what you do will become NOT ENOUGH.

It is so easy to lose yourself if you are not careful. Some people have asked me "What are you scared of? “every time my mind would go into overdrive and think about things that would scare the shit out of me.If they ever happened to me but then I would start thinking about,"Ok how can I defeat this" or " how could I get out of it” if it ever happened to me and every time I would be able to come up with a solution pretty its either snakes or spiders or death caused by different scenarios ... and all of  those left me room to maneuver and find hope, if I put myself in that situation and I would start planning. 

but the thing that scares me THE MOST and I mean It is something that when it happens it prevents me from thinking in general let alone coming up with solutions is... ME.

I am scared of myself like nothing else. I could die in the most painful way, I could be tortured to the brick of death and be brought back to life and go through it over and over again and it still won’t compare to the pain and torture that I can cause myself.

I know my deepest weaknesses, I know my deepest desires and limits and when I turn against me...forget it... it is like a virus that deactivates the antivirus and just takes over and everything turns dark very fast.

In addition, usually in that time you look for SOMEONE ELSE to help you out to get inside your head and cleans everything for you but the matter of the fact is that no one can. No one knows you better that you know yourself and if you cannot get inside your own head, no one can. they can help you for sure they can push you and make you start REALLY thinking about stuff that you so lightly looked over but if you are in a total block and their words just bounce off you and you are dead inside... they can’t do shit. 

It is all about letting yourself to be vulnerable cause when you are in that dark mind set... it doesn’t matter what everyone says, you just want to go against that, you just want to say NO, you just want to be superficially different, you just want to not let anyone in and suffer. You are trying to hurt yourself for whatever reason... 

"Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional” sort of thing and don’t get me wrong when you are in that head space suffering is pleasurable. But it’s destructive as hell. It makes you blind; it takes you on a journey that is nothing but a fantasy.

Unless you WANT it... no one can help you and most of the times you do not need others help you just want to pretend that you do when you know deep down that you need to step up and put aside being mentally lazy and get out of the cycle.

Yes, it will be different, yes it will be something unfamiliar but clinging on FAMILIAR has you to Shadows and darkness.

I am not going to lie... I love the darkness I love that side of me that drives everyone away, not because it makes me feel different but because it is an undiscovered territory that not everyone bothers to discover. The hurt and the pain and the suffering, the disappointment, the feeling all alone and isolate, I don’t look at them as negatives I look at them as FEELINGS and feelings is what human have an advantage of. Just because it is unpleasant does not mean that, it is not a part of me.


But you need discipline and control if you are going down that path I can’t stress this enough... it might be so easy to talk about it but its super dangerous and when you are in that direction without awareness... it could be deadly not deadly as figure of speech but literally DEADLY! 


Sometimes a little reassurance, a little digging within yourself will make this all a hell a lot easier BUT the most important part is for you to want that.




Bunnie - Thank you Pey, I so needed to hear this right now ?
6 years ago

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