I had the pleasure of attending a leather event this past weekend which left me with some lingering thoughts I want to share.
This was my first leather event, which is a sector or the BDSM community in which I am not all that familiar. This experience was amazing in several ways.
Going to an event like this was emersive and thus a crash course learning experience. Inherent in this is includes exposure to community perspectives and values that I would not necessarily know or understand. This exposure led me to some interesting observations.
First, while fetishes may be very different, the relationships and relationship dynamics and issues remain the same. I attended several workshops as part of this event. All off which could be considered universal in D/s or M/s dynamics. Self-mastery, coping with pain, self-exploration with in your role, managing separation and long distance relationships are some examples. These are universal and important issues that transcend any specific style of play.
Second, community challenges are very similar. Finding accepting venus for events, facing closure of play spaces and the collapse of organizations, reduced involvement and participation, power struggles, and petty drama are issues that affect everyone in the community.
Third, core values are very much the same. The closeness and "family like" community, the feeling of separation from "normal" society, resistance to community threats, and emphasis on inclusion are all examples of universal concerns regardless of your sector with in the BDSM community.
All of this similarity has sparked some genuine questions for me. If all communities are so similar, why all the separation? If there is so much emphasis on community why are organizations not more inclusive? Despite the fact many claim to be accepting and inclusive, what makes people feel uncomfortable with attending events and functions that are outside of their specific dynamic? Perhaps these community problems suggest that we, as a whole, are really not as inclusive as we claim to be. Yes, men can be littles. Yes, women can be Masters. Yes, you can be a submissive and not be a submissive personality. Our community has a responsibility to recognize and accept that not everyone fits in the traditional definitions for D/s. In my opinion, sector organizations that cling to such tradition are, by default, exclusive. One of the speakers at this event brought up and interesting point, which was that complaints and resistance to community standards are an indicator that needs are not being met. Just as when a submissive person voices a genuine complaint, this should not be dismissed as being whiny, spoiled, dramatic or entitled, and may be a very real indication that something is missing from the dynamic. This may exist within the community as well. Complaints are too readily dismissed by those that assume they know the right way to do things. The BDSM community isn't truly transcendent and inclusive until all of us can emerge from the shadows and feel welcome, accepted and loved. My second realization was that this is best accomplished when people live as their authentic selves and be open as the exceptional people they are. The community cannot adapt to you or your needs unless you voice them. This requires that people get involved in their communities, forcing recognition and acceptance even when you may not feel welcome. Standing up for yourself and your needs paves the way for others to experience a welcoming community and feel empowered to do the same.
* Though I feel I have expressed all of my own thoughts, many of these ideas were inspired by speakers at this event. In the interest of crediting contributors, these include Just Angel and Ramien Pierre, Leather Reign 2017.