Femdom Expression; Raw, Honest, Genuine

~While I write this from my own perspective, I feel that the topic of empowerment is universal topic, transcending roles and genders~

A vision of a truly empowered person is an inspiring one, is it not? How about a disabled person who teaches themselves how to walk, or an openly gay man who can manage a healthy relationship and run a business, or a trans person finally happy in their own skin, or a person victimized by assault who learns to love themselves and trust others once again. These are all inspiring stories, and I feel that the desire to achieve empowerment is a common theme for those drawn to kink on either side of the slash. 

However, recent experiences have provided me with a whole now outlook on empowerment. I have always considered myself to be a strong, empowered woman. I'm educated and confident. I have made a successful career in management in multiple male dominated fields. I teach and mentor kink material. I have a family and own a home. I am all the cliche things that you might think of when defining an empowered woman but all of that means nothing.

I am here to tell you that empowerment is not a prize you win because you have checked all the major blocks in life. It's not a trophy that you proudly display for all to see. Empowerment is a constant journey of ups and downs, a battleground of sorts. The most empowered person in the world can have the rug yanked out from under them, suddenly finding themselves questioning all the negative things they once could dismiss. It is my feeling that this journey of trial and tribulation, overcoming loss, and picking yourself up again is what leads to true empowerment. It is this process of rediscoving your strength when you are struggling with self doubt and the desire to just give up which will eventually, slowly, turn into self actualization. It is the understanding of the magnitude and the significance of your own achievements that results in life altering value, which eventually transforms into resiliency and confidence.

As I said, I can write on this from personal experience. All my writing is that way. I don't know where the future will take me or how I'll navigate my own journey to get back to where I was. Maybe I'll never get back to my strong, empowered self or maybe I'll become something altogether different, but I have hope. For now, I am appreciative that I have a blog, a strong community and a solid support network. 

I love everything about being a Domme. I love that I can live a life as my true self and all those socially unacceptable little things like being pushy, bossy or bitchy now all have a safe place to thrive. I'll admit, sometimes I get feeling a little too safe. I can throw my big personality around all over the place and not only is it accepted; it may even end up being someone's kink. I am spoiled rotten by the disproportionate amount of willing partners interested in female D-types, and I embrace it all (if it was to a fault, I'd never admit it). While I'll stop short of using the word "glutinous" I can admit that I frequently endulge. And who wouldn't, right? If I find the right person for what I want and it's a mutually beneficial relationship, why not? I have had s-types, D-types, switches, pets, and of course, my family which is a category in itself.

Sounds like a dream come true but there is one tiny problem. As a general rule, I surround myself with s-types or at least people that tend to be more agreeable. It isn't ego or power. It's just easier to put life on cruise control and know that the people around me will be content as long as I am. Life is so much easier and non contentious. No one resists my approach to things in any significant way. No one cuts me off from alcohol or when I'm talking to loudly, no one calls me out for being selfish or unfair, and no one tells me "no" or that I'm wrong. At least most people don't...

This approach to life is not an example of poor social skills and a classically conditioned superiority complex. There is a very good reason that I prefer personalities that compliment my own dominant personality. I live and love with passion and my personality is a reflection. On the worst of days, I can rage and roil with a furiosity that can only be (and has been) compared to a force of nature; one not even truly appreciated by me because most people would never weather the storm. However, there is one rare soul of late that seems to revel in my depths. Someone who doesn't seek shelter from my storms, but steps outside to marvel at them. It is a rare soul indeed that stand sound and strong with all the resiliency and longevity of the world's oldest mountain as my storm crashes violently against it. With an intensity that caused most others in my circle to flee for shelter and wait out better days, one person leans into the wind. After what seems like weeks of howling winds, buckets and buckets, and energy expelled that could have shaken the very earth, the storm finally subsides. The clouds lift, there we are, windblown and wet, the air around us still crackling and electrified. With windblown hair and eyes sparkling in awe at what was just witnessed, a small smile and head tilt, "Feel better?"

A hundred voices inside of me cry out all the insults I can manage "Just who do you think you are!? You must succumb to my might and bow before me! How dare you not fear me!" As I figuratively raise a clenched fist dramatically and defiantly into the air ... 

But there is no fear, no anger, no contention, just a mountain's honest understanding that storms will behave as they do when the conditions are right. And for me, I come away with a respect and an understanding that mountains will be what they are. It has taken me some time to come to terms with such a strong and unwaivering force in my life. Perhaps it is good for me; good that I have a mountain to crash into, one that can weather the worst of my storms. Touche mountain, touche. Perhaps we shall meet again...

A few recent experiences have this topic at the forefront of my mind. Some of these are second hand tragedies that I've observed playing out from someone elses relationship, others are very real personal experiences. A consistent theme I've noticed is why people have such a hard time detaching from a relationship that isn't working. The prevalence of this in kink and D/s seems to be so much higher than traditional relationships, and I suppose that is not surprising. Lifestyle relationships take so much longer to develop. There is so much time and energy committed to getting to know your partner and developing that dynamic. The bond between two kink compatible people is significant as well. There is also this idea that "we can survive anything if we do it together". All of that is beautiful but not all relationships are meant to be. Some perfectly good ones are damaged irreparably. It is a fact that not all broken things can be fixed. 

So how do we know when it is time to just call it quits. The longer you drag out a failing relationship the more damage all parties do to each other. Is it when you look in the mirror and realized you don't even recognize who you have become? Is it when you can't remember the last time you laughed and it wasn't faked? Is it when you begin to feel so bad about yourself that fault and flaw is all you see? How about when you get to a point that you are so detached from the positive experiences and memories that it doesn't even feel like it was you that experienced them?

One can hope that you throw in the towel before any of this but that just doesn't seem to be how it works out, not in kink anyway. Is it noble to try, to put in your very best efforts? Of course it is. It is also honorable to admit that you just can't put any more into it, that you simply don't have the tools needed for the job or that it just isn't possible. I know there are going to be people out there that disagree with me. I can hear you all now "Where there is a will there's a way", "You just need to want to", "You'll get through this and become a stronger couple". Forgive my skepticism. People that say such things are not taking about relationships damaged by lying, breaches of trust, infidelity, or physical or emotional abuse. 

Imagine, if you will, the Red Thread from folklore, the one that is supposed to be an invisible yet unbreakable bond that connects soulmates at birth. Now imagine that this singular thread is all you have to mend both yourselves and the relationship. Every stitch made in that relationship is one less left for you. Every stitch your partner makes rips out one you put into yourself. 

To anyone out there entangled in this manner, I have a new found respect for such efforts. However, I feel the same for anyone that has the strength to detach from such a thing. Faced with the same scenario myself, might just be time to walk away...

Tonight I have no clever or insightful blog posts. Tonight I no positive outlook or self reflection of any value to anyone else. All I have tonight is a empty glass, a restless night, and pervasive thoughts of self doubt. A complex series of events led to a real rotten day, and I am forced to acknowledge the accusations of my own role in the events of today. Specifics are unimportant but it is a setback in my own journey navigating grief and personal loss. 

Someone once told me that grief is not a slow march uphill out of depression back to normalcy. He explained grief as a rollercoaster of good days and bad and I couldn't agree more. Two days ago I felt on top of the world, living out my 15 min of fame, finally feeling actualized and on the road to being me again, or at least the new version of me without mouse. Today, the rug yanked out from under me, and I am left struggling how to process what I possibly could have done different, and if fault lies with me. There is no easy answer to that question, and perhaps I will never know. Tonight, all there is, is hurt. 

This site is my absolute favorite place to blog. I don't often use Fet because my past works have not been received well. After the amazing responses I got with my last blog post, y'all motivated me to try Fet once again. Currently on Fet, my "When Dom/me can't Dom/me" post has 50 comments, 240 loves, and has been riding high atop the Kinky and Popular page all afternoon. It was all of you guys that motivated me to share, now my words are reaching so many. 

Thank you! 

*I will start off by saying that this post will contain controversial material. I always encourage a heathy debate within the comments, but my opinions come from experience and observation which is not up for debate. You don't like it, get your own blog.*

Though I love kink and the community to death, I think that we are all too often negatively affected  by fallacies and falsehoods propagated by the culture. One of these, that I think we can all agree on, is the false image of the ideal Dom/me (many roles within kink are subject to this, female subs in particular, but in this instance I'm specifically discussing issues that relate to the Top side). You all know the image I'm talking about. The perfectly proportioned regal male, in a pretentious looking suit and wearing a $3000 watch. Maybe holding a glass of scotch but always in Black and White, cause that is reality, right? The Domme version is in inappropriately high, red soled stilettoes, unpratical lingerie, and probably with a cane bent into a gentle curve under her perfect buttcheeks. *Please excuse my exasperated eye roll. 

I'm not saying there isn't room for the professional aspects of kink. It has a place but we must see it for what it is. It is entertainment. These images of the perfect D-type are fiction, and while they may be real experiences for some people, they certainly are not the norm. Humans are fallible creatures and Dom/mes are no exception. 

Here comes the gut punches... I am endlessly frustrated with the expections placed on the D-type role. Not only is a Top expected to be leader, teacher, emotionally supportive, therapist, confidant, dependable, respectable and always poised but they are also expected to be that all the time. Heaven forbid a D-type need to remove themselves from a partner that isn't good for them, reduce play sessions, or set limits to the type of play due their own limitations and needs. I have personally witnessed that exact senario result in damage to that person's reputation as that person was then accused of being an unattentive Dom that was neglectful of their partner. 

Here is the truth. We as a community put so much focus on self care but are dismissive of the needs of those on the Top side. Those that have never been on the Top side cannot understand how taxing the Top side can be. There is this general expectation that a Top will always be willing and able deal with their submissives problems, that he/she will always be willing and able to play and to meet the needs of their partner. This just isn't the case. If you have never been on the Top side you do not understand how much planning and preparation goes into a scene, or how much responsibility of the negotiation falls to the Top. In just the scene itself, ignoring all other aspects of a D/s dynamic or the negotiation process, the Top has to plan, prep, account for safety and privacy, set a pace and rhythm for the scene, consider warm up and cool down, be attentive to how the bottom is reacting and adjust accordingly, do check-ins, keep the intensity to the perfect level, have a back up plan in case anything goes wrong, exectute aftercare and all the post play check-ins, and hopefully, after all that, they can actually enjoy themselves too. That is a massive list of blocks to check, and I will tell you from experience, fuck one of those things up just one time and it can have a lasting affect on you and how others in the community perceive you. 

My point in all of this is as follows... Sometimes a Dom/me can't do all of the above items or maybe they are not confident they can do them all well. There are any number of explanations for this; work stress, family life, being sick or injured, suffered a loss, or as simple as they don't feel up to it or aren't in the head space. This is ok. It is not personal. These things happen and are usually temporary. 

If any s-types are reading this and care how to help, there is so much you can do. Offer up play that is controlled by you. For example, service tasks like cooking, cleaning, chores or some oral service even. Reassure your Top it's ok, you are ok, and you support their need to self care. Tell them you understand, even if you do not. Take care of yourself and your needs during that time so it's one less things your Dom/me has to worry about. Here is how you do not help. Do not take it personal. Do not pout, complain, express disappointment or play with someone else out of frustration (unless you have a non-monogamous, prenegotiated dynamic). Trust me, we already feel bad enough and we don't need more guilt. 

My advice to Dom/mes... DO NOT FORCE THE PLAY AND DO NOT FEEL GUILTY ABOUT THAT! You matter too. Your needs are as important as anyone else's and you have the responsibility and right to self care. 

Kink-centric or D/s relationships offer something a little different from what you might find in more traditional relationships. While the work and effort that go into building such relationships is significant, the payoff can be astounding. For those that have experienced a commited, trusting and healthy kink relationship know what I'm talking about. For those that have yet to experience such a thing, I can tell you there is nothing like it. When you have a relationship where there is mutual, unwavering trust it allows you both to be vulnerable and raw in your most authentic form... When you have shared interest in kinks, you both can find pleasure and grow as a couple every single time you play... When you have that bond it feels unbreakable, and yourself, invincible...

It is truly an experience you can't put into words. However, if there is one thing that kink teaches us, it is that there is a price to pay to feel that good. We are reminded of this cost in a literal sense when we drop after play, the physical or emotional toll of BDSM activities, or by the bruises and marks that hang around for a while. And we are also reminded of that cost when a relationship fails...

I can share this experience from a very personal place. Recently, I have lost both my collared submissive, who passed away far too young, and the love of my life, kink partner through a pretty miserable separation. The personal loss is insurmountable and different from the loss I would be experiencing if these were more traditional relationships. 

In the mass of swirling thoughts and normal stages of grief, I cannot express to my non kink support network, who and what these people were to me. The usual advice falls flat. "Don't worry. You will find someone new." No, no I will not. Kink based and D/s relationships must be cultivated from scratch; trust building, learning eachothers ways and kinks, and finding those certain things that satisfy your kink cravings. A truly good fit in a kink partner is so hard to find. In my experience, it would not be unreasonable to expect this process to take years, or at least many months, to manifest into a vibrant and fulfilling kink relationship. Even when everything works out and you can rebuild, it will still be very different from what you lost. 

From personal experience, I can share that you do change in a kink relationship, regardless of role. That can also happen in non D/s, BDSM relationships. No matter how much you love your kinks or your level of experience, there is still change. You cannot subject you body, or someone else's, to that kind of experience, with the breaking down and building back up, and not have it affect you. After 2 years with my submissive and one year with my kink parter, I am left processing how much I have changed. The challenge of picking up the pieces and getting back to being me feels impossible. It feels like there is so little "me" left. I don't know how to do it or what to do to help. While I consider myself a very independent person, there is very little I did without consideration of my partners. Now nearly all if my regular routine is different, and what support network remains, is full if reminders of what I had and the loss I feel. 

So what is the solution; time, new friends that aren't connected to this situation, a temporary withdrawal from the community, keep blogging all depressive feels, crawl inside a bottle, revenge fuck my ex's best friend, have someone beat the feelings out of me, etc...

Some of this I am working on, both the good and the bad, but these are short term fixes that just get you from one moment to the next. My friends tell me it will get better. I'm sure lots of you will too cause that's the type of community we have here. But I am not writing this post looking for sympathy or for advice, I am writing because it is good for me and because I believe that these issues are not unique to me when navigating personal loss in kink. I suppose I am sharing so other people who navigate such issues will understand that this isn't some emotional over reaction to just another separation. The fallout from the loss of an all consuming relationship is more than you'll be prepared to handle, and you will never consider managing being alone when you are flying high on the endorphins that are in abundance when a kink relationship is at its best. If you live your life for someone else, eventually your partner may be gone, and you may have nothing left of yourself. 

Lately my blog posts have been rare. Even my activity here on the cage has been sporadic at best. Every time I log on I am met with new surprises; people that were once familiar fixtures are no longer active, relationships that have come and gone, etc. All of which is natural, an evolution of kink and society in general, I suppose. As my parents uses to say, your true friends never leave...

But that is not the case with us, is it???

Kink is far too complex to abide by such rules. We fall victim to circumstance that doesn't hinder most relationships. Those that consier themselves "lifestyle" likely know what I mean. People don't always back out of the community by choice. For example, a dirty divorce and custody battle for children, threat or pressure of being outed to an employer, even criminal blackmail are normal occuracences in our community which causes people to suddenly disappear without explaination. 

Obviously there is no fault placed on the ones that leaves. You must look out for you and your interests but what happens to those that remain???

Unfortunatly, these examples are the best of scenarios...

Two winters ago I relocated across the country for a variety of reasons. I left behind my partner, mouse (a user here on the cage). He visited me last summer at my new home, and fell in love with the region and the community here on the east coast of America, just as I had, and made the decision to move. After months of planning and preparation and many very big decisions, just weeks away from that move, tragedy be felt. At 38 years, old my collared submissive of two years, passed away suddenly and I am here trying to sort through what remains. Here I am, clutching the grains of sand that was once a healthy and vibrant D/s relationship. No one knew how fiercely "us" we were. The nature of kink and the privacy of our lives makes me a passing footnote in his legacy. Few can understand the fire and passion and truly invincible feeling of D/s relationships and we had that. Few knew of what we had together, and those that did couldn't possibly understand. The nature of kink means that I cannot publicly express how special and loved he truly was. Even if I could, people would not understand the bond we shared. I cannot formally announce his passing because I am outing him in the process. I cannot even share the GoFundMe account I created to help his family with his expenses with the kink community because it is associated with my RL identity. This is my sad realization. Our community has lost a shining star and all that is left of him is his inactive account and my own memories ... my own clenched fists full of sand....

So here I am again, breaking my own rules...Dont write upset, especially don't write intoxicated, but I'm doing both. Why, not wait for morning? Honestly, this just feels too important...

Tonight I find myself in a situation that I feel every poly person eventually experiences. Today was a wonderful day, full of friends, music, fun, and yes, drinking. There I was, selfishly enjoying the day as all are entitled to. However, my day ends with the knowledge that my cherished partner will be presumably engaging in activities with another for the remainder of the evening...

I consider myself poly, and my partner is too. He has other poly partners and that is what poly is. All has been negotiated but that still doesn't make nights like tonight any easier, which is what has fueld this post. If you are poly, one day you may find yourself here (hopfuly managing better than I) needing to come to terms with what I am tonight.

Yes, I understand the spirit of Poly. Yes, I know that jealousy is natural and you have to consider such things in your dynamic. Yes, I get how essential communication and transparency is in poly. I also want my partner happy and unconcerned with my own emotional recourse, but here I sit, sad, defeated, lonely and feeling horribly inadequate as a partner. 

I realize all these feelings are somewhat irrational but I can't help but feel that even the best poly couples face this from time to time. Again, here I am, raw and baring all, in the hopes that others may survive another poly day or even rethink poly all together.

Poly isn't just multiple partners and guit free non-monogamy. There is a price to pay. 

For the love of God, Yes! Your profile matters, particularly if you are actively trying to find a partner. 

Here is why,

I read profiles, every word of them. Presumably other women do too, regardless of role. I hope many men do too (though I have noticed that men are far more likely to be dismissive of profiles). Your profile is your first chance to make a first impression. I know I'm not the only one that takes that seriously. Here is what I want to know about people before I connect with them online. Why are you on this site? What are you looking for? I want to know that you are inteligent and capable of effective communication. I want to see the quality of your character and aspects of your personality. I want you to share what you love about yourself and what passions and interests you have in life and kink. If you are not comfortable talking about yourself, talk about what you want. If you are not a good writer or maybe if english is is not your prefered language say that too. At a minimum, your honesty will be appreciated. Putting some real info in your profile may just give you and a potential partner something to talk about and maybe even identify some common interests.

To be clear, I'm not suggesting you have to put out all your personal info, or even pics. There is a time and place for that as your dynamic requires. However, there is a difference between smart disclosures and copping out on sharing anything of significance.  

If you have a blank, or nearly empty profile that is an indication to me that you are either (A) lazy and don't care about putting in the time or effort (B) naive or ignortant to the importance of it to others (C) you are making a consious decision to be secretive. None of these options are good. As I have said before and in previous posts, I will look at a profile before even responding to messages. If your profile is not worth your time, you are not worth mine. 

Take your profile seriously people...Also, read somone else's before messaging them.