We all love this life, don't we? We work so hard to find partners, develop dynamics that work...plan and play. Everything is all so fun!...until it isn't.
I consider myself blessed that I have have exposure to several different kink communities and organizations. However, I have noticed a certain unfortunant pheneominon. While rare, the potentially negative implications are motivation enough to share my experiences. In some cases my experience comes from others who have shared their them with me, in another, the experience is my own.
Some people have always know of their kink and grew into it throughout adulthood. Others discover it later in life, either accdentaly or through intentional exploration. There are many ways to live a life of kink. Some people keep it in the closet, expore it in the bedroom, or live it openly. In some cases people live double lives, but it is essential to live a life of balance, in whatever form that means to you. Kink is something that is very easy to get caught up in, particularly when you are brand new. It is exciting, exhilarating, and can be anything you want it to be. Sometimes this is impossible to resist and people may find themseves wanting it all. While common in people that are new to the community, it can happen to anyone. In some cases people will sacrifice vanilla relationships, work or other important aspects of life outside of kink. Kink can be consumining by nature and there can be consequences for losing perspective and the balance needed in life. Sex is, of course, one of those needs in life so I am not trying to minimize the importance of kink. What is essential is the recognition for the balance needed for everything else.
From time to time, there will situations that require more attention to other matters. For example, demands in work can change. Injury or illness can happen at any time. There can be demands with family or emotional matters than need attention such as stress, or the death of a loved one.
What some people try to do in such situations is force them selves to keep up in their kink lives. Maybe they don't want to ask for a break or to appear weak to their partner. Perhaps they feel that the kink distraction will help them. In some cases I find that people have experienced something that they have always wanted they have trouble letting it go not matter what the cost. The effect of such denial for balance can have a catistrophic effect on one's mental state. I have heard stories of total collapse where one partner abandoned another with no explaination, just walked away from the dynamic. I personally left the community due to this very thing for several years before returning a changed person.
This is not a phenomenon unique to kink. This is psychology and it can affect anyone. People that strive to maintain personas which are outside of their core identities are are particularly vulnerable as this creates an extreme stress on that person. The entertainment industry is one example where you see this effect in action (think Britney Spears in 2007). The implications for kink people is that they are at a much greater risk if they engage in activities outside of their true desires. Some examples of this are pretending to have kink interests when they don't or engaging in a vanilla life when they really need kink.
This can affect anyone regardless of role. Dominants need to be able to recognize the signs of this in their partners so they can be helpful and not harmful in their requitemnts of them. They also need to recognize it in themselves. Sudden withdrawal or abandonment of a submissive partner due to an interconflict in the Top can be really confusing and destructive to the submissive partner. I find that an s type is more vulnerable to this and more likely to experience negative feelings and doubts that can affect their self worth and confidence. They need to understand what is happening with their Top and if the D type doesn't then how can they share that with their partner. It is also important for s types to understand as well. Recognizing it in themselves or their partner can save a relationship. I emphasise the importance in the D type's self awareness of the Undertow as I find dominants by nature are better prepared to handle the emotional and psychological breakdown of a submissive partner than it is for them to experience it in themselves or for a submissive to experience it through their Top. However, this is a generalization.
So what do you do when the Undertow pulls you or your partner out to sea?
*Communitcate.
You have to talk to eachother about stress, the demands of life, and issues that have the potential to impact the dynamic.
*Be observant of needs.
Everyone has needs that require attention in the form of self care. You put yourself at risk if you neglect your own. Care for your partner by helping them identify when they are being neglectful of their own.
*Take time away from the dynamic when you need to.
This can be very hard to do, and it is why we are all vulnerable to such a phenomenon, but it is so important. It is sometimes hard for s types to understand that the D type needs a break. This can be hard for the Dominant as well but it is important to recognize that it isn't selfish or personal. It is essential for self care.
When all else fails and the dynamic comes crashing down for unexplained reasons, be understanding that this does happen, reflect on the signs that were missed and learn from the experience.
One final observation...have you ever noticed the most seasoned and experienced of the community always seem so put together? Calm, cool, collected, except where the dynamic might warrant otherwise, and then they are all over rising to the occasion. They can meet any challenge, handle any issue, or tame any brat ;)...They can do this because they have learned discipline and their own limitations. If you push them as their partner you will quickly be shut out.
I intend no insult, no "shame on you"s, no guilt trips. These are just comments and observaions, and I just hope that this might help someone recognize and navigate such issues.
