I am often asked what to do when someone is brand new and what they should do to meet a Domme. In light of how common this question is, here is my compilation of advice on what to do when first entering the community. I think much of this advice transcends rolls, genders and relationship dynamics thus is universal in nature, however, I will also identify some nuances of Femdom that are important to those seeking such a relationship.
*Do your reasearch, particularly if you are new.
There is a lot to kink and the kink community. There are standards, expectations, and many types of dynamics and play styles. I'm not saying you need to be an expert but some people take BDSM very seriously. If your prospective partner asks you "What is your favorite style of play?" Your answer should not be "What styles of play are there?"
*Be realistic.
Though men almost always outnumber women in kink, sub males to Domme women are among the most disproportionate of any other conventional dynamic. With sub males outnumbering Dommes something like 10 to 1, you will have to accept many truths in this. First, relationships will likely take time and effort to establish. It is rare that any dynamic will fall into place overnight and it is an unrealistic expectation so be prepared to put in the work just like any other relationship. Second, It will be very likely that an available Domme will be approached by many, and perhaps even be considering, multiple partners at any given time. The following will hopefully prepare you for your prospective Dominant partner's expectations.
*Before you even build a profile or message someone you need to know some things about yourself.
1. What is it that you want. You should have some idea on the type of play that would interest you, the type of dynamic (i.e. casual play, 24/7, public or private play, mono, poly or other type of relationship, etc.), and what are you looking for in a partner. Do you want a sadist, someone who will humiliate and degrade, or maybe a sensual/romantic dominant? Does your partner need to be experienced in D/s or be someone who can explore and grow in kink with you? These are all important questions. You will probably have others if you think about it.
2. Know what you have to offer your Domme. *hint-saying you really want or need to submit isn't good enough. It is a pet peeve of mine. You don't need anything, and it is not my responsibility to indulge you just because you made yourself available...A better apporach is considering if there is there anything special about you. (This is a trick question. Everyone has something special about them. It's just a matter of if they see it in themselves). I would be interested in unique experiences, shared interests, and your passions in and out of kink.
3. Know your limits. This is another one that needs some thought. There are many obvious and reasonable ones but think about things like if you want to put your face on camera. What will you do if your partner wants gifts or money? You are entitled to your limitations but it is easier to have that discussion early before they become objections.
*Put some work into your profile...AND READ HERS.
Do not over look this. This is your first chance to make a good impression. I read every single profile of those that message me and every Domme I know does the same. I am looking for several things.
1. That you are a real person and not a creep or a fraud.
2. That your interest in Femdom and submission is genuine.
3. That you have some level of understanding of BDSM, why you like it, and what value it has to you.
(It is ok to have no experience or to be exploring. You should still have some consideration for the above mentioned points)
4. Including something in a message that proves you read her profile and care about the contents is a good idea.
5. Including some insight into your character and personality in your profile is always a plus.
If you send me a message that interests me or at least doesn't offend me. I WILL read your profile. If it is blank or just says "I'm new and trying this out", you will not get a reply. An empty profile tells me you either do not care or you don't think it is important to share anything about yourself when meeting others. I can't speak for everyone in this but I can be reasonably certain that a complete and insightful profile will help you meet people.
*Recognize that not all Domme women are like the ones from Femdom porn.
Most of us are normal looking women. We don't all don leather and latex. We aren't all fueled buy lust for male subjugation, and if we were, we wouldn't be looking. ;)
In short, keep an open mind. You might be pleasantly surprised.
*My final bit of advice is the piece you will hear over and over. Get out in the community. Going to events, munches, sloshes, workshops, etc. is the best way to meet people but it's not the only way. Community also exists online in the form of chat, sites, forum, and personals. You can meet kink people online but only if you put yourself out there to be discovered. (Please explore carefully, particularly when sharing personal info, whether online or in person)
Of course, I cannot speak for everyone, and this is not the only path to meeting people in the community, nor is it all required. However, this is my best advice for people just getting started. My post does target sub males in particular but this is advice I would offer anyone feeling like they were struggling to meet someone.
