Hello, my friends! Thanks for coming and reading some more of my thoughts and ideas. Today's subject matter is about disagreements between my 18 year old daughter and me. We don't argue often, but when we do.... WHEW! It can get pretty intense if all of the argumentative planets are aligned! This disagreement is in it's second day of bubbling over. I spoke with her about dropping a class yesterday, and she took offense because I didn't think she should drop it. To her, she heard me saying 'I am disappointed in you'. Isn't it interesting how we can build up lies in our heads about what someone is thinking about us? I have a saying... 'If you really want to know what someone is thinking about you, go and ask them'. Today and yesterday, she knew enough to speak to me about what she felt I was implying. So, I guess it's not a complete failure of a day. In the past, I have told her that I'm disappointed in some of her behaviors, but seriously.... I spend most of my time building her up, not tearing her down! Especially over a class she doesn't need in order to graduate. Her father is a piece of trash, and I made the mistake of referencing him as compared to some of her behavior. I had also said some things I needed to apologize for, and in fact, had already done so yesterday and this afternoon. The truce is very tenuous right now.
It came to me this evening.... an insight into how we work as mother and daughter. You see, I am a perfectionist. As an artist, I often obsess over creations because they're not perfect enough to give or sell. I am a perfectionist about my body, even though I feel like I'm failing at perfection in this area. I strive for perfection in my work, and my dealings with others. I try really hard to be a perfect mother, even though a perfect mother doesn't exist. It struck me that she has taken my perfectionism as a mother as normal, and therefore holds me to a very high standard. Mistakes I make take on this.... magnification, even if I've apologized or made it known that I was in the wrong. She begrudgingly accepts my failings at times. Sometimes, she gets so attached to my poor actions, that she can't see my positive ones. It can be very frustrating.
I am also wondering how high of a standard I hold her to if I am the perfectionist I say I am. While I don't micromanage her, I have tried to raise an honest young woman, and a lady. She can belch with the boys, and the F-bomb comes out of her mouth more than I think she realizes, but for the most part, she's very cordial and interacts with others well. She's a really good person! She works with the public, and is always getting compliments about her attitude and refined nature. I think I've done pretty good, all things considered. So.... am I holding her to an unrealistic standard because I hold myself to one? Friends, I'm pretty sure I don't, but I just don't know tonight. I feel so.... despondent and sad that I had to ask her to leave the room because she was screaming and crying. In our home, we have a rule; you can discuss anything you want to when it's presented with respect and an open mind. Screaming is unacceptable. She's exhausted, and I'm quite tired myself, so bringing up heavy subjects would probably have been better left to tomorrow. That's obviously too late, but I wanted to shed some light on our lifestyle. Tonight she brought up a fallacy that equated to me not apologizing for something I said. For the record, I did apologize for saying something manipulative. I'm saddened by my behavior, and I've done what I can to make it right. She's super angry at me though, and no amount of apologies would have been enough tonight. I tried to stop the conversation there as I don't need to repeat my apologies to validate them; I say it once because I mean it. As I mentioned, she's exhausted, so I know she's not able to see or hear things in the same way she would if she weren't tired and hungry. I also said something that unintentionally set her off, and the argument ended with me asking her to leave the kitchen because she was screaming and acting inappropriately. I feel really sad about where the argument stopped. They usually end in smiles and hugs.
It's killing me that she's hurting so badly right now. It would be nice to have a Sir right about now. One that I could bring my anxiety and pain to; someone who can lead. I've been single parenting and single for what feels like an eternity, and tonight.... I am wishing I had a lap I could cry into, and a mediator who loves my daughter too. I hate that she's hurting, and I hate that I am, unintentionally, part of the problem that is hurting her tonight. I would love for her to have a positive male role model/influence to lean into as well. I really would prefer having someone to love and give us guidance, but that's not happening any time soon. Yet.... I'm an optimist as well as a perfectionist, so I feel like at some point, the solitude will give way to a positive and strong connection with a Him. I guess I'm just feeling the distance tonight.
Thank you guys for listening! I really am grateful for this outlet, and for all of the kind people I've come across here on The Cage.
Blessings,
Calendar Girl