Recently my Dominant and I have taken a step back from physical play. This more so having to do with issues that I have been having myself. Ones that I have been working through with my Therapist and want to share with you now.
In the past, I had a parental figure who was extremely abusive to me. And because of this controlling and abusive relationship, I have been terrified and ashamed of my appearance for as long as I could remember.
I am tired of being in denial and hidding the fact that my Mother, the very person who was sapose to protect me! Was my abuser. Just as her mother was before her. And because of this fact I am terrified to have children, I am afraid to share my emotions with others and I am terrified of ever getting hit like that ever again. Not a hit of punishment, but hit of pure rage! She was a monster.
My Dominant has NEVER hit me out of anger and never will. But there has been times that punishment becomes a terrifying reminder of what that woman did to me ..... And I have to pull away.
At this moment in time, I can't help but question if by me choosing to persue this lifestyle was my way of coping with my past. And I'm not quite sure how this will effect my future. But as for now, my Dominant and I will be standing together hand in hand not matter what.
* I apologize in advance if the statement I made above has upset anyone, I just needed to be able to share it with others who truly understand this lifestyle and can possibly shed some light on it *
