~as you can tell, I'm highly motivated today~
The Event: first time at a dungeon/fetish club.
S&M - One of my questions I've been asking since I started going to munches is "How Do I Know If I Haven't Tried It For Real?" My own answer, being aware of my sub-frenzy, was to slow down. So I thought "maybe if I watch a scene first?" Thankfully, a friend was quick to recommend a local fetish event that many people I'd met at the munches attended. And there I got to see a bit of my dreams realized.
Reflection:
Friends, oh boy..... It was almost too much. I've never felt so high. It was incredible, and I was totally unprepared. And embarrassed. No one had touched me. In fact, despite being half-naked or wrapped in latex and leather people were more welcoming and respectful than any pub I've ever been in. But here I was losing my mind over the sound of a flogger or salivating as I watched my friends paddle, zap, and poke each other. Was it some sort of sub-space by proxy? Is that even possible? All I know is that I crashed as hard as I had drifted. Thankfully there were not only people I knew there who kept an eye out for me, but also a professional and approachable DM who checked in on me and spoke with me throughout my time floating between corners. I crashed hard and as I felt my anxiety/lonliness grow I knew I had to leave before I made a bad decision. Which was a good thing, I believe. Even if I had taken a leap and played with someone (plenty of people wanted to, in general), I wouldn't have been in the right frame of mind to accurately monitor myself. As hard as it was to leave early, it was a good thing I did.
I Volunteer As Tribute
+ flogging
+ spanking (paddle, hand, IDC just please please please do)
+ caning/crop
+ bondage in almost any form
+ W. Wheel (still terrified/nauseated by needles and blood.... so why did that excite me?)
(0.0)
~ electricity???
~ pet play???
~ immobilization???
Nopity-Nope
- Latex
- MASKS (fuck, so triggering. Blindfolds, fine.)
- Humiliation *I stand by the fact that there is a difference between degredation and humiliation. Call me names and expose me, but I need to earn it. I can't take demeaning out of context. Triggering as hell.*
EXPRESSION:
ordinary people become beautiful
once they have been made
nude
ordinary people become artists
weilding their role:
whip
or
boot-licker
