I had therapy today. To say "I'm okay" would be a lie. So instead I will say I am trying and eventually I will be okay. The incident that happened last week still weighs heavily on my brain/heart. We talked a lot about it. We said forget our usual therapy sessions (honestly it wasn't far off from the usual) and discussed it in full details. All of it. I am not okay. I will get better.
On of the hardest things for me is trust. All she kept saying again and again is do I trust and believe what I was saying. Do you know how hard it is to trust something when you don't trust yourself? Let me tell you... It's FUCKING HARD. It is exhausting. It is something I'm learning to do but it's hard. It really is hard.
I've had numerous people in the past ask me how I could trust others so easily but never trust myself? Back than I was a teenager and just laughed it off. But when that was brought up today I shut down. Why do I trust others so easily, but can't trust myself? Than it hit me. I can trust others so easily because if they betray me it's right there. Black and white. They fucked up. They did it. But when it's yourself? And you're the one to break your own trust than what? To me I end up sitting in a gray area. Like I'm locked in a room.
I remember one time, back when I did trust myself, how devasted I was when I failed to be true to myself. I honestly don't think it's ever been the same since than. But once again, I was just a teenager.
These are just the thoughts on my mind today and I ready myself for bed. But I'll be up for several more hours. I hope everyone has a good day/night. And please remember to be kind. <3
