That feeling within

Recently I started a new position at my job that requires me to pass a series of exams in order to qualify for the work I'll be doing. And let me tell you, I look for every excuse to take a break from the study books and let my brain take a break. 

Today, as my mind wandered, I began thinking about one of the (many) reasons I stayed single and unattached for so long. And I'm ashamed to say that reason was the probability that any guy I'd enter into a relationship with wouldn't have the same kinks as me. It might sound silly to some (although maybe not on this site), but I was so certain that if I met someone, I'd be forced into a vanilla relationship and I'd suffer a series of small deaths by not getting what I knew I needed. So I figured better off single than vanilla.

Don't get me wrong... I was pretty sure if I told a guy what I was looking for, he would probably do it. But then I'd feel guilty for having someone do something that they weren't really into in order for me to get off. I just felt so uncomfortable at the idea of a one-sided sexual interaction that I remained unattached. 

But then (if you read my previous blog post), I found Tinder. And then I thought, "If I happened upon a dominant man on Tinder, could there be a site dedicated to finding people with the same kinks as me???"

And THAT, Ladies and Gentlemen, is how I found "The Cage". 

Thank God for the internet! 😊

First and foremost, I am envious of those who've known what they wanted/needed and took the steps to get it.  Whether it be in your personal or professional lives, it takes knowing who you are and courage.  Bravo!  I, on the other hand, have found myself to be a lost soul just puttering through life.  The kind of person that things happen TO versus MAKING them happen.

I remember being in high school and listening to my friends and classmates talk about sex.  For them, it was about something you were supposed to do if you were "boo'd up".  Whereas I was never boo'd up except for a 2 week period in my freshman year that I was "dating" a fellow drama class student named "David".  And that lasted as long as 2 weeks because once "Susan" had become single, David felt it necessary to call me and break up with me so he could go after her.  And being the ever so gracious girl I've always been, I told him that I understood and wished him the best.  Inside me though was the gut wrenching feeling of rejection.  Oh... how much more rejection I would experience.  But needless to say, without the proper boyfriend, I kept my virginity.  

And that's not to say there wasn't attempts made.  Of course there were!  I went to a public high school in Chicago in the 90's.  Boys can't keep it in their pants.  But I knew I was supposed to lose my virginity to someone that I cared for.  So how did I lose it, you might ask?  At a work party I went to a couple months after graduating high school to a boy who's name was Conway.  I met him that night, don't know his last name, and it lasted for all of 30 seconds.  Sadly, I'm not exaggerating.  Oh well... nobody's perfect, right?

After that I had a handful of boyfriends (none of whom were good to me) which allowed me to somewhat explore my sexuality.  I have to admit, sex was AWESOME!!! But there was something missing.  As good as it was, I was always left feeling shorted.  On movies and television, it was explosive!  So why wasn't I feeling this way?  Was I broken?  Was I doing something wrong?  It felt weird, but I kept having more and more sex hoping to find that magic.  And then... things went quiet.

After enough bad relationships, I decided to stay single. 13 years of being single.  Okay, calm down.  That doesn't mean I was celibate.  I just didn't want to get hurt again so I closed myself off to anything real and had occasional sex with an ex.  And I wasn't even attracted to him or anything.  I just needed human contact every now and then.  I do know I shouldn't have since he was very vocal about his feelings for me and I didn't ever see myself getting back with him.  But I was selfish and only thought about myself.

Fast forward to May of 2018.  I decided that I had enough of being alone so I downloaded Tinder. I know... I know... but truthfully it wasn't so bad!  Because of Tinder, I met "Jim".  Jim in his profile said he wasn't looking for anything serious and that he was a dominant man.  I swiped right and it was a match.  He came over to my house a few days later and that's when I had the best sex of my entire life.  It was rough, vocal, passionate, and everything I thought sex should be. And afterwards, he cuddled with me and it felt right.  And when he got up to go home, I thought, "This was perfect.  Spanking, hair pulling, name calling, 2 orgasms, a cuddle after and then him going home for me to sleep in my bed by myself?  Yup, this is what I've been looking for."  Sadly, we have since stopped talking.  Nothing dramatic.  I just didn't text him and he didn't text me.  I appreciate it for what it was, and it definitely got me thinking about finding what I'm looking for.

About a few weeks ago, I met an older man online on a different dating site who said he considered himself a Dom.  We spoke for a couple weeks and he ended up touching something inside me that I felt I needed.  We only chatted over the phone, but he controlled me in certain ways and every orgasm that I had during the 2 weeks that I spoke with him was the hardest, most sensational orgasms I've ever had in my life.

So here I am... looking to fill that void.  But happy now that I know what has been missing all along.