For a long time I thought I could bring more to being a submissive. I stayed away from BDSM for a long, long time because I was unsure I could give what I really wanted. To be owned, prized, to be a slave.
Today I know that it is Slave 'tendencies' in my roster of what makes me a idealic submissive. But for the longest time...
Your pleasure is not my pleasure.
Your pleasure is my sanity.
Your pleasure is what clams my racing mind.
Your pleasure is what I need.
But your pleasure, is not my pleasure.
This was, and at times still is, hard for me to wrap my head around. Hard for me, in times of doubt, to feel like I am enough. I have since come to find balance and to know that being a submissive is not (all) about being enslaved. That I can expect pleasure and give my all to earn it. That I can step away from being all slave, but step into servitude; taking freedom from forfeit.
It has helped me find other things as well on my way. My love of Toy/Doll, Rope Bunny, Pet and other things that I can choose as my needs, instead of being confined to taking my pleasure from your pleasure.
This came up once again for me the other day. Similarly it has come up in the past. I scowled at the Dom who dared retort with "I let you give me blow jobs, because you like them so much", when I tried to explain my pleasure. Still in those days, I felt shamed afterwards, that a good submissive WOULD take pleasure from that pleasure, not need an exchange. That WAS the exchange. (Sub context for my past self: Fuck That Shit.) (Sub context for the reader: I love blow jobs. So of course I would feel like trash when I wasn't happy with this reward, or it was used on me in such a way that it was made to be my reward.)
Recently this came up once more. Not so much in words; and as usual, this case is so much different than my past. This case is what has enabled me to recognize the recognition I always had but never made sense of in that context. To analyze it, a new level of understanding. But more importantly: to see it with pride, instead of shame. All by myself, but thanks to someone allowing me that space.
"You got to orgasm"
That was the shame that ran through my head. In the same tone, same dismissal that I had learned in the past. Except... that conversation didn't happen. When I expressed my needs, that regardless of service, regardless of my perceived 'reward' I still needed my exchange, my pleasure. Because your pleasure is not my pleasure. Your pleasure is my Need. Still don't I deserve more?
Shame. Greed.
Who am I to deserve? Who am I to expect? Who am I to be greedy, to want more than what is given. These are things that made me feel like a lousy slave and thus, a lousy submissive. Until Today. (The other day... y'know how I work 😁) As clear as my profile "I will give you every physical and mental aspect you could hope for" but that is not my pleasure. There is a very clear "Exchange" there. I recognized it even back then.
I am a slave to that Need. That Need expressed by everything that demands I always choose to obey: My sanity, My peace of mind, Your pleasure. They are my slave desires. They are my slave tendencies.
My submission is not that. My submission Needs attention. My submission is greedy... but only to the point of exchange; of "Good Girl" or "What a Good Slut You Have Been". And yes, sometimes that can mean a blow job, or an orgasm... but those things mean nothing if they are done without feeding my submission. They mean nothing when it is from a place of "My Pleasure is Your Pleasure"
There was a day that would have hurt me. Has hurt me. But today, with Sir holding me to a higher standard, for myself. That greedy isn't greed; and exchange is beautiful. Your Pleasure can exist outside of their pleasure. They can meet, they can dance, but they can thrive on their own, and you are entitled to the full enjoyment of your slave tendencies, while getting satisfaction and Need out of them, but also, in wanting more. Wanting to be filled in ways that are purely selfish. Perhaps you give satisfaction out of receiving them, but it can be inconsequential, and you don't have to let it narrate your navigation of who you are and how you belong to this lifestyle.
It is a pleasure to have you join me.
~Oracle
