I hung my head. I didn’t want to. I knew my makeup was a mess, mascara running down my face, lipstick smeared, eyes and nose red from crying. My hair was sweaty and my muscles were shaky with exhaustion.
He knelt in front of me and lifted my face by pulling back on a fistful of hair. My back arched as he pulled me up to my knees, keeping my eyes on his. Ashamed, tears leaked from the corner of my eyes.
“What’s wrong?” he asked gently, despite the rough grip on my face and hair. “Does something hurt? Is the rope chafing?”
I shook my head. “I don’t want you to look at me.” I sniffled.
“Why not?” His voice held that dangerous edge of anger that warned me I was pushing the boundaries of his patience.
“I’m a mess. I’m ugly when I cry. I don’t want you to see me that way.” My voice was small and sad and I tried to look away, but he wouldn’t let me. Instead, he smiled.
“Oh,” he murmured, brushing my hair back from my face. “Of course, you are. I made you a mess. I fucking love it when you break down and cry when you aren’t perfect when you aren’t what you think is pretty.” He stroked his thumb over my lower lip, swollen from his bites and kisses.
“That’s when I think you are beautiful because that’s when I know you’re mine.”
3 years ago. Thursday, September 29, 2022 at 6:50 AM
As a slave (who used to identify as a submissive, who used to identify as a masochistic bottom) I was new at one time (yes really!!). When I came into the lifestyle, I was all wide eyes, excited, and a healthy dose of caution just days after learning that there was a word for the kinky stuff in my head. It was a very overwhelming time because I wanted to do everything and explore this new world right away. Now, it wasn't fast enough.
Thankfully I had a wake-up call by the name of a kind Dominant online who told me to take it easy and learn about this from the sidelines first before I jumped headfirst into the shallow end of the pool.
I'll never be able to thank him enough for that bit of advice. It's advice I try to tell every submissive, no matter your age or experience level. There is always time for a bit of education and knowledge before exploration. It can keep you safe, it can make you more aware, it can keep you safe and it can be fun.
To start, this isn't going to be an all-encompassing primer about BDSM. There is far too much information for me to lay out for you. What I hope to do is give you practical knowledge to work from so that as you explore you will at least have the tools necessary to continue learning with confidence.
If you'd like a more detailed primer, might I suggest these books?
How to be Kinky: A Beginner's Guide to BDSM by Morpheous
The New Topping Book and The New Bottoming Book by Janet Hardy and Dossie Easton
The Ultimate Guide to Kink: BDSM, Role Play and the Erotic Edge by Tristan Taormino
What is BDSM? What does it stand for? There are so many primers out there about BDSM I’m not sure if another one is really needed. Then again with all the basic questions asked on forums and chat rooms about BDSM, it’s likely that my words will be read by someone and that they will take something new from them.
BDSM is an umbrella term for Bondage, Discipline, Dominance, Submission, Sadism, and Masochism. Each of these words on its own is a giant term with a lot of other vocabularies under them. Basically, anything kinky will fall under one of these terms. It's always good to have a working lexicon of the terms often used by the people who engage in BDSM and if you don't understand a word, you should look it up. You don’t have to know all of the vocabulary to practice BDSM but if you are really curious there are BDSM dictionaries all over the web.
On top of knowing some of the words comes learning some of the expectations and experiences, you can have in the BDSM Lifestyle. Becoming a submissive in a D/s dynamic is just like any other relationship with one very important difference. The roles are set, not fluid like a regular relationship. A dominant and submissive never switch roles (unless in agreed-upon circumstances) and the relationship continues strongly as this dynamic. People can be into kinky play and only engage in their roles in the bedroom or they can be in control of their chosen role throughout their lives.
Neither is greater or less valuable to BDSM. What one chooses to do within their relationship is personal and unique. Liking other people’s kinks is not required, but accepting them is looked favorably on. There are many things that I would never entertain as pleasurable or enjoyable but I can appreciate someone’s desire to do them for those reasons.
Not everyone you meet that is into BDSM wants to be part of a community. You can’t make someone come out into BDSM public and say they are kinky. BDSM is still in the closet for most folks and that’s okay with them. Those who want to be a part of the community bring with them a wonderful amount of experience and personal knowledge that everyone, including new people, can learn from.
1. Is It a Lifestyle? BDSM is a Lifestyle for me. I live it all the time, it’s who I am. This is not the case with over half of the known BDSM population. The range of participation varies greatly. I can’t say that I know exact numbers, but I know that out of 10 kinky people I could meet in a room, 7 of them probably do not identify as Lifestyle BDSM'ers. That’s fine with me, we can still chat kink and not get all uncomfortable because we aren’t EXACTLY alike, right?
There are many different roles you can be in BDSM as well, from Top, Dominant, or Master to bottom, submissive, and slave. There are also variations on these roles as well depending on the type of dynamic you want. You could be in a Daddy/little girl or Mommy/little boy dynamic. You could be in a Poly Master/slave household where you are the alpha. You could just be kinky and love the fun stuff in the bedroom. It’s all available to you.
2. What’s the Big Deal? BDSM is a big deal to those that have anything to do with it because it turns them on in some way; sexually, intellectually, emotionally, or all of the above. BDSM is not always sex-driven, but it can be. Some of us consider it almost a sexual orientation; I’ve recently been of the volition that sexual orientation can not only describe your gender-specific sexual identity but also the differences in how you enjoy sex.
For example, someone with an extreme but healthy fetish would have that fetish as a requirement for sex, just as being heterosexual, homosexual, or bisexual is an identifier for each person. For someone such as myself, sex isn’t fulfilling if it does not have any elements of power exchange or SM. I do not get the same enjoyment from regular sex as I do with Power sex. This is not to say that I can’t have regular sex, it’s just my preference is Power Exchange and SM.
With the mainstream sensation of 50 Shades of Grey, more people are bringing D/s roleplay and BDSM into their bedrooms. With this influx of people, it's an important distinction that for many people BDSM is just a casual play experience, while others will apply D/s and kink to some or all of their lives and relationships. BDSM is changing people and providing avenues of expression that people may have never known before.
3. Am I Normal? Yes, very much so. One of the first questions new submissives ask themselves is whether they are normal for desiring the things they do. This could be kinky sex, humiliation, or service. Anything that appears to fall outside the vanilla umbrella can cause a novice to question if they are normal. This, in fact, is normal.
Everyone questions themselves at one time or another. I’ve questioned myself many times. Each time I come out with a better understanding of myself and what I want in life. There is no reason to be afraid of new and different things. You may find that these things are worth your attention and could fulfill you in ways you never thought possible.
For example, even if you never thought you’d explore bondage you one day had the desire to see what it was all about. There is nothing wrong with trying it out to see what feelings and sensations there were. If you find you love it, then that’s just one more thing to learn all you can about and have fun with it. If you find there isn’t really a strong pull towards it you can chalk it on the no thank you list. Either way, it’s normal and human to explore things that are different and foreign.
What about things that could be dangerous or involve risks? Does this mean you are a risky person? Not really. Everything you do has risks, even driving to the corner store could end in a deadly accident. Just because there are risks involved doesn’t mean you should shelter your desires.
So, what is normal? How can it be defined in a BDSM context? Not very easily, in fact. Normal is different for each person. Everyone’s idea of normal fluctuates and changes during their lives. So your idea of normal now won’t be the same 5 years or even 5 months from now.
The uncomfortable feelings you experience when everything is still brand new have nothing to do with normalcy but with acceptance. When you accept your feelings as normal then you will feel normal. Thousands of people all over the world are exploring new and exciting things all the time. Join in the fun!
4. Yes, you should try new things. But not everything is going to be for you. One of our human strengths is that we love to try new things. As a novice submissive you are probably very afraid to venture out of your bubble and try something that for the longest time has to seem terrifying and still exciting. I want to encourage you to try everything you are interested in at least once. Twice if you are not sure of your first response to it.
It is okay if you find that something doesn't do it for you. It's okay if you change your mind. And it's okay if someone else likes it but you don't. The key to exploration is to do so with an open mind and accept whatever response you get. For example, if you've had fantasies of being tied up with rope and made to orgasm over and over again but the real experience fell flat of your expectations you have a few choices. For example, if you've had fantasies of being tied up with rope and made to orgasm over and over again but the real experience fell flat of your expectations you have a few choices.
You can decide that it was hotter in fantasy but you are very glad that you tried it. You won't be doing it again anytime soon.
You can figure out that it was the person, situation, or time frame that affected your response to playing out your fantasy and you want to try it again when things are more favorable.
You can decide that once was enough, now where is the next fantasy?
There are kinks that you will encounter that offend, repulse, or just make you feel oogy. These are things that drive other people wild, but that doesn't mean you have to try them. You don't even have to watch them. But you do have to accept that other people can and will participate in kinky activities that you don't like.
Keep an open mind.
5. Yes, you can do that. Yes, others will have issues with it. No, they don’t matter. I said above that you may encounter kinky activities that may offend you or make you wonder why anyone would find that exciting. But it could also be that you have an unusual or particularly unique kink that few others share. You may find people don't like that kink and will be very vocal about why.
Don't let that bother you. I know that sounds easier said than done, but learn to have a thick skin because there will be people who have closed minds and find that their brand of kink is the only way and anyone who says or does differently is wrong. The truth is that they don't matter to you.
What matters is how you explore life and how you feel about your place in BDSM. Your confidence is sexy and knowing your preferences no matter how others feel about them is powerful. Consider it this way; what harm is it to you what they think about something you find to be enjoyable or the right way for you to do something? How will it affect you once they turn around and walk away?
Probably very little. Embrace who you are.
6. Yes, you should explore your fantasies. But recognize that not all fantasies translate easily to real life. I've touched on this a bit above, but not all fantasies work well in practice and some shouldn't ever leave the realm of your dreams. The reason for this is, it will probably not escape you. There are safety risks or expectations that just won't work in real life. Say for example you have a fantasy to experience a stressful position that is known to kill people or a real torture tactic like water-boarding. The safety in these situations is far above SSC, RACK, or any other safety limitations that others may have. Similarly, there are fantasies that violate the law or moral code, such as pedophilia or animal cruelty that really should remain a part of a fantasy.
With that said, you can simulate a lot of things to experience something like your fantasy without harm and well within the realm of safety. I heard a story of someone who wanted to experience necrophilia with their partner (without actual death). To make this fantasy “real” the female partner went into a private cemetery at night and laid down over a grave for over an hour, getting chilled from the cold ground and frosty air. Then, at the agreed time, the man would explore the cemetery and discover her “dead” body and ravage her cold limp body. From the smiles on their faces, it appears it was a fantastic time for both.
Be creative and innovative with your fantasies to see if you can enact something that will give you the sensation of fantasy without doing anything you may regret later.
7. Yes, there are other people who share your kink. But please don’t assume that the first person you find is The One for you. Just because a person also loves having sex while rolling in Jell-O does not mean they are compatible with you.
That's right, I just said it. You've searched the world over for someone interested in the same kinky things you are and when you find the one, I'm telling you to hold it right there a moment and think. You remember thinking, right? That mind function you had before all common sense fled and you were suddenly in a frenzy over finding someone who shared the same kinks as you and now you just had to have it? Yeah, that.
Ok, okay, so there are two scenarios here. You want a casual fling with someone and to experience a kink or fantasy that you have only found one other person that's into. Fine, go rock your world. There's really no need for further compatibility if that's all you are looking for.
But if you want a relationship with someone that enjoys a particular kink so that you can experience it again and again, as well as the dynamics a relationship can bring, read on. Realistically, do you think you are completely compatible with someone that you know just one thing about? It's like a lottery number, the likelihood is that you'll not win. So, before the roll-in Jell-O, unless that's all you are interested in, talk to the person. Realistically, do you think you are completely compatible with someone that you know just one thing about? It's like a lottery number, the likelihood is that you'll not win. So, before the roll-in Jell-O, unless that's all you are interested in, talk to the person.
A relationship isn't about one specific fantasy fulfilled; it's about being each other’s dreams realized. Even if you've looked for someone for months or years and this is the first person who has said, yes, I love that kink, if you aren't relationship compatible then that really means nothing. The scope is larger than that.
This goes for submissives brand new to submission or BDSM. The first Dominant you meet is not necessarily your dream Dom. Do not submit to anyone until you know them forward and backward and are sure you are compatible with them. Date them, regularly date them. Develop a relationship with them before adding kink.
If after a time of your choosing you decide that this person could really be your dream Dominant, then go for it. My best wishes to you.
3 years ago. Wednesday, September 28, 2022 at 6:42 AM
The concept of training is on my mind thought however it is not training in the business world nor the faux dominants who lurk on the internet trying to prey up on new submissives to be their personal BDSM trainer but it is occurring to me that many submissives fail to ask some very important questions of dominant they are interested in. So here are ten questions I feel submissives should ask potential Doms.
When it comes to implements of ‘fun’ (crops, floggers, whips, plugs, and I could go on and on), ask how the d-type was taught about safely using them. With those same arousing bits of equipment, ask the dominant if they have had them used ON them. Quick news flash, even if the d-type was not a fan of how it ‘felt’ they should have experienced them so they can understand how they will feel for you their submissive.
Inquire about how the dominant continue their education in the lifestyle. Find out where the d-type would go if they had a question/concern. Do they have mentors/friends or would they fire off an anon ask to a blog? Inquire about mistakes they have made as a dominant.
When discussing errors with a d-type, listen to determine if they share life lessons they have learned from their failures. Be wary of anyone who claims to be mistake-free or struggles to know/share the lessons of their missteps.
How much time are you able to give to building a relationship? It is important to ask this upfront as many people expect more and more time as things grow and develop. Make sure there is an understanding of how much time can be invested and where/when life will infringe upon this time.
If they are a new(er) d-type find out what things intrigue them and those they would like to explore. Remember that exploration is no guarantee these things will become likes, wants, or needs but it will give an idea of the interests lurking in the dominant’s mind. You can even ask this of an ‘old dog’ to find out what ‘new tricks’ they are interested in.
In a long-term relationship, how will you use the lifestyle (and vanilla items) to keep the partnership from becoming stagnant and/or routine? If at any point you have ‘assumed’ anything about a dominant, make it a point to ask about it, no matter how trivial it may seem. Remember every assumption, even the small ones, can quickly make an ass out of you (or them).
When it comes to asking questions and getting to know a prospective partner, please always ask the same questions in different ways on different days. I know it may sound rude like you are intentionally trying to trip up the d-type, but what you are doing is reassuring yourself that the answers are consistent. This consistency will help both of you build trust in each other and this is important in any relationship but especially so in a lifestyle partnership.
Finally, never feel that as a submissive, you cannot ask something because of the role you are identified with. If you, as an s-type, have something on your mind, always feel comfortable expressing it. I believe that any supposed d-type who would say “a submissive should never ask this” is simply looking to avoid a line of questioning that would lead to unflattering revelations coming out about that person. So, if you think about it, ask it!
Remember the only bad question is the one you are afraid to ask.
D/s can be dangerous because it explores the most primitive sides of ourselves. Those involved must have a high degree of trust and very, very healthy devotion to one another. Like religion, it can be a spiritually enlightening experience, or it, an expression of psychosis. And somewhere in between, it can be tremendously fun.
“The secret is to never lose sight of the simple, everyday miracles in life. Good food, literature, laughter, music, compelling conversation, nature, and art. Look for them, every day, and even when it feels like your whole world is unraveling, you will never be too far from a needle and thread.”
It is just two letters long and yet one of the most powerful words in the world and both empowering as well as inspiring. The little word I am talking about is the word, no. I will admit there are times I struggle to say this tiny little word. My fearful leader at work (aka the boss) knows that where there is something to be done to push the assignment to my desk and friends/family know when there is a challenging task ahead to give me a call and I will lend a hand. I take pride in being that ‘go-to’ person, being counted on but even though it has been a hard lesson to learn, I have also learned the value of saying no and sticking to it. My growth and comfort in saying no has also shown me that saying nay is not only powerful in our daily vanilla life but is just if not more important in the lifestyle.
Naturally, as a dominant, I want to have a happy submissive partner and just like every relationship, a good and creative partner will know the ways to ask for things to get what they want. It is very much human nature to do that and to want to give approval but saying no is simply needed at times. One of the most memorable moments in a D/S relationship can be the first time the d-type tells their partner no. I believe that when a dominant is saying no, they also need to explain why they are expressing disapproval and it is never acceptable to sound like a disgruntled parent with the “because I said so” reason. I also feel that not only is it important to share the why behind the negative decision but to always listen and hear your submissive partner if they disagree with your decision. Just because the dominant is the leader in the relationship, it does not mean error-free and sometimes the no might not be the best choice. So value your partner when they disagree and be open when you discuss the why behind the no.
Many submissives often struggle with saying no because they love to please. There are submissives that this does not apply to as they do not have a problem drawing the line in the sand in the career world or with family/friends but more often than not a submissive’s desire to please causes them to overextend and have their plate full of commitments big and small. This overextending can lead to higher than needed stress levels plus they struggle with making time for themselves. It is one of the most valuable things a dominant can assist their submissive with is finding that balance that allows them to still be the valued go-to person at work and the MVP for family and friends while also letting them have the “me time” they need to keep their batteries fully charged. A Dominant does not need to micromanage or schedule their s-type’s life but work with them to let them know it is okay to decline an event or to set aside time for themselves. By working to help balance time crunches, a dominant can help guide their partner to find a better balance on the beam that is life.
One of the most important "no's" that a submissive should always remember is that being submissive never means the right or ability to say no is taken away from them by anyone for any reason. A submissive always must give their consent. If a person, place, or thing makes them uncomfortable they can and should say no. Just because someone is submissive it is NEVER acceptable to bully, force, or take advantage of them. All dominants must respect and adhere to the word "no" when a submissive says it.
Being told no is never something anyone wants to hear. it is often one of the most important words we can learn to say effectively. No matter what your role in life or kink not being apprehensive in expressing no can help achieve a better life balance. Additionally, submissives never lose the right to say no nor does being submissive lessen the meaning of no. As the saying goes, no means no and this must be accepted and respected, a power exchange dynamic, never take away this right, so mind your Ps and Qs by respecting the "no's "of others.
I’m single. I’m a submissive. Sometimes I experience what I call “sub-sad” - that ache that is unique to being a submissive single. I’ve learned to use my time as a single woman to really explore myself and my “Why”. I’m consistently preaching self-awareness. I share my lessons learned in my personal writing. I’m not pining for or imagining my future Dominant. I’m not writing nor kneeling to an imaginary form of a Dominant who has yet to enter into my life (or make himself known to me). My focus isn’t on him; it is on myself. I’m growing. My belief is that the better I know myself, the better. Period.
I’m on a constant quest to know myself – the why’s and how’s of my being as they relate to my environment and others. The better I know myself, the more apt I am to make choices that promote my well-being and future. The better I know myself, the less likely I am to fall for the wrong Dom (again), and the more likely I am to be an exceptional submissive when I next choose to submit.
So, no, I’m not waiting. I’m fully engaged in a joyful and meaningful life. I’m also dating vanilla again. I’d stopped because it seemed like a waste of time and unfair to men who, quite frankly, cannot manage me. But the reality is that if I’m not exploring my self-knowledge as it applies to interactions with the opposite sex, it is kind of wasted knowledge because it isn’t being put to practical use – after all, I want my Dominant to be someone I actually do things within the real world.
I’m growing as a human being, as a woman, and as a submissive. I’m not the same woman I was at 40 and I’m damn sure not the same woman I was in my 30’s. I’m learning my strengths, my anxiety triggers, my fears, and things that bring me peace, and I’m redefining my hopes. I’m soaring into the beauty of self-acceptance. My very recent realization that I am a bit of a little caused me some internal discomfort – how can I be that on top of everything else that makes me different and how does that impact my future…. hell, how did it impact past relationships!?! These are the kinds of things I strive to understand. Not just for myself, but for my future Dominant. Self-knowledge allows me to articulate myself and my needs to others. That ability is particularly important when contemplating allowing someone into my mind and relinquishing control to him.
The better I know myself doesn’t just help me know what to look for in a prospective Dom, it helps me to identify my strengths, weaknesses, and needs. My personal growth makes me better equipped to take care of myself. I don’t want my submission to be because I cannot do it for myself; I want it to be because I choose to defer my power to another - for all of the reasons I discussed in last week’s Tuesday Truth, “Rules, a Balloon, and a String.” I take my submission seriously – it is meaningful and mindful. This is my truth, my choice, my quest for growth. My future Dominant will cherish this part of who I am and will engage in his own introspective journey.
When a D/S partnership is going great, it is like the dominant is a superhero for their submissive and the submissive is a superhero to their d-type. While this is amazing, there is another superpower that is not a good thing and it afflicts the lifestyle community. It does not matter if it is in-person, on Tumblr, FetLife, or any other site in the kink neck of the woods and this superpower is predators sniffing out new submissives.
Those who look to prey upon new to the lifestyle submissives, look for someone who is overeager, giving off that new submissive smell coupled with a lack of desire to be cautious and learn carefully. While there is nothing wrong with being new, eager, anxious to explore, and submissive but before someone leaps into the deep end of the D/S dating pool, it is imperative that they can swim effortlessly. Remember this ‘community’ pool does not come with lifeguards, life-jackets, and predators ARE lurking, waiting for someone new to jump off the high dive.
Invest in learning all about the lifestyle. What you do not know CAN hurt you. When you write a profile, about me a blurb, or any other little ditty where you share about yourself to the kinkerrific world, please leave the words I am new, inexperienced, or any other words that inform others that you are a newbie to the lifestyle. You can share that with those you choose to connect with but saying those words in such a public way is like jumping into a shark tank filled with chum where those majestic beasts have not been fed in a week. The predatory sharks will be lining up to try to take a bite out of you.
It can appear to be very easy to find dominant ‘friends’ as they will seek you out but find and befriend fellow submissives so you have a safe place to get quality feedback, information, and conversation. Many dominants are indeed good humans who truly only wish to be helpful, however, some will attempt to use ‘friendship’ to manipulate/prey upon the newly minted submissive.
Learn about the lifestyle, learn about yourself, and learn how it all fits together for you in your life. Even if someone is new, they must have thoughts and ideas of how the lifestyle will fit them. If they are unsure of how any of the puzzle pieces of dating, the lifestyle, and life fit together, they are not ready for the kinky dating pool. I do not mean someone has to have all the answers or the puzzle finished but they have to have a solid start on this life-sized, piece-by-piece adventure.
Stop being in a rush. There is no hurry to date, find a dominant, and start planning the happily ever after. All good things come in time but you have to invest your time growing personally in the lifestyle and developing your own knowledge base.
Even though it is a ‘lifestyle relationship’, people must remember it is still a relationship. Just because Daddy Don Juan and Natalie Newbie have the same kinks, there still must be all of the normal, vanilla pieces of the relationship puzzle to fit together. Partnerships are unions between people and are not created by a simple matching of fetishes.
Remember the saying that children were taught about a ‘stranger danger’? Well in the lifestyle rather than a creepy person with candy and a van, we have a trainer danger. Submissives do NOT need a dominant to teach them how to be a submissive. It is imperative to learn the ‘ropes’ through education and building solid friendships. Investing in your personal lifestyle growth will teach you much more than the ‘lifestyle trainer’ (even if he has candy, whips, chains, and a van).
Do not fear the in-person community. Sometimes people live in places where there is a lifestyle desert but most people live within an area where there are lifestyle get-togethers. Go out, attend a munch (a purely vanilla event held in public spaces, restaurants/coffee shops), and make real-world connections with others involved in the lifestyle.
A person’s submission is their gift to give and no one can take, demand, or claim it, although predators will try. Submission MUST be freely given and because of this submissives have the ultimate power in a lifestyle partnership because they can say no/revoke their submission at any time. This lifestyle requires CONSENT, please do not forget this.
It Can Happen To You! It is great to be trusting but always, ALWAYS verify and remember your safety is your responsibility. Bad things do happen to good people but more often bad things happen to good people because they've made a poor decision. Stay smart, trust your intuition, and always err on the side of safety. Do not be arrogant and think bad things will not happen to you.
We the Kinky, of the BDSM Culture, in order to form a more Unified society, establish Safe Sane, and Consensual, ensure Tolerance, provide awareness against Predators, promote general Well-being, and secure the blessings of Knowledge to ourselves and our Posterity, do ordain and establish this Guideline for the Sexually Liberated. Guidelines of Liberation:
1. Protect yourself - You are the first and last defense for your well-being, take the time and effort to know who you are playing with. Vetting someone is not telling them you don’t trust them; it’s telling them that you care about yourself. If they have a problem with this, they may not have your best interests at heart. Additionally, Safe words are a valuable method of communication. Assign no stigma to them, (you are not ruining a scene, or disappointing your partner, by using them) as they can prevent problems; physical, mental, and emotional.
2. Inform Yourself - There are many resources for beginners and advanced alike, FIND THEM! Knowledge and furthering your education about kinks will allow you to get more out of your time and allow you to explore new things. It will also help you communicate your needs with a partner (or potential)
3. Know Yourself - While the fantasy that your partner knows you better than you do is great. It is almost never the case early on. Know what drives you, and why you choose this lifestyle. What you wish to gain or give. Know what is important to you, and what you need from it.
4. Choose your own Identity - never let someone else tell you who or what you are. Labels can be a trap or even be misleading If you feel you are “something” then don’t let anyone else tell you otherwise. For some even having an “Identity” is limiting, so remember that “Choosing not to decide, is still a choice” (and an option)
5. Choose your own Limits - Your limits are exactly that, YOURS. You decide what you Will Not do, or Must Have, in your relationships. No one else can make that determination for you. You certainly CAN choose to have no limits with a trusted partner, but that is YOUR choice, not theirs.
6. Choose your own Kink - Enjoy what you enjoy… It’s OK… You are free to be you. Don’t hesitate to experiment, Read, and LEARN. But above all, be kind and true to yourself.
7. Communicate, Communicate, Communicate - Mind reading is not possible. Knowing a person so deeply that you can read or predict them is. But that usually takes years of… you guessed it… Communication. You have to learn how to communicate; your needs, your desires, your fears… even if it’s a crayon drawing, make the effort to make yourself understood. This will only benefit your relationships.
8. Protect your Partner(s) - There are times when someone has placed trust in you. Those times are when they are most vulnerable. This is true for both sides of the slash. Sometimes you can push yourself beyond your own limits “for the sake of your partner” and it’s possible they are doing the same. This scenario can end badly. Simple “yellow” safe words (by either side) can mean the difference between a good scene and a bad one. Additionally, knowing their medical or special needs is critical.
9. Protect your Friends - Be there for them, to talk to, to confide in, on the watch for red flags they may miss. Pay attention to who is approaching them at public gatherings, and require communication from them before they leave with people they did not arrive with. Be their safe call. We all have the potential to miss important tells when the NRE (New Relationship Energy) kicks in. Since you are on the outside, your feedback and watchfulness may make the difference one day… Likewise, be ready to accept this same input from another trusted friend.
10. Protect your Community - Be aware of, and Follow, the rules and policies of any venue, Public or Private. Do not Create or Bring Drama to public venues, sometimes it’s unavoidable, so work closely with the venue’s administration to minimize this. Creating problems, or failing to follow established rules and guidelines can get venues closed or create undesired law enforcement interdiction. Don’t be that person.
11. Accept the Variety - Remember that your kink is not everyone else’s just as theirs may not be yours. Be kind and remember that we all have different tastes with the same mantra of Safe, Sane, and Consensual. If we cannot be accepting of each other in this community, we certainly should not expect those outside our realm to accept us.
12. Cause no Harm - Never knowingly out someone, spread rumors about others, or do anything to undermine another relationship (except #8 above). It’s simply bad form. Again, don’t be that person.
-Grymjahk~
* I just love this version of "For You" By Bruce Springsteen.
“Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it. You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings. And once you have achieved a state of happiness, you must never become lax about maintaining it. You must make a mighty effort to keep swimming upward into that happiness forever, to stay afloat on top of it.”
