Never having an outlet to show emotions and feelings growing up. Aside from crying in private or in my room .
That b.s. has carried on into my adult hood cry in private cry in the shower go to sleep, tomorrow things will be better. It was and is all bull crap...
I cried today as I said goodbye to what I thought was someone who I could honestly let into my life a friend. Who is poly we have been friends with strong attachment to one another for about 7 months.
When the phone conversation ended he apologized for hurting me because we severed ties it just wasn't what he or I needed. We both had alot going on with our lives . he said he didn't want to hurt me because he was wanting to end things.
I truly liked him and he liked me and me asking him why was he saying sorry was it because he was honest he said because I hurt your feelings . the tears slowly stung my eyes . I fought back the sobs ...
Sobs not because of what he said. The b.s. that I have held in all week last week week before week before that. Don't show weakness be tough be strong carry the families problems . him saying sorry . I bitterly buried those tears. I kindly said there's no reason to apologize we will still be friends.
This blog makes no sense right now and maybe that's ok.
I did some self care and meditation today .
I think not crying and allowing myself to finally feel and ...as a juggler who keeps all the balls in the air may be I am juggling to many of other people's balls ie problems.
Maybe its time to give those juggling balls back to there rightful owner and allow them to keep there shit all together so I can fill my spaces with things that make me happy .
Instead of keeping to the sidelines of my own life I need to start living my life.
Alot of maybes and ideas for change .
For right now I think a good cry is in order.
I some times wonder what if anything will come of me blogging as heck its hard to write what I'm feeling . I'm learning that the lifestyle is fraught with ups and downs. Trying to work on myself heck I have been carrying so many and so much for my family I sometimes fear I enable them oh mom will fix it deal with it pay for it.
The old saying fish for a man he eats for a day teach a man to fish he can eat for a lifetime.
Its time to reteach and guide them to reassert there independence.
Wow totally off roading on my blog.
Have a great evening
