So, a very very long time ago I wrote a post about being a switch. What it meant to me at that point in my journey. Reaching out to other switches to get their perspective on things. I am revisiting this topic. I have grown a lot in the time between that blog and now. Like A LOT. I am just now scratching the surface of the complexity of being a switch. I want to first shout out to Nrs. Lady you have taken a spotlight to many of the questions I have about who I am. Your unabashed acceptance of every facet of being a switch has given me courage at moments. Thank you for that... for your bravery... for just being you.
So... where to start... Okay... A bit of a peek into my journey. I have met the destroyer of walls, the fire starter. What I have tried for 30 years to get back, they, YOU, were able to get me to in a short time. You and the kindest, gentlest, most patient couple ever somehow destroyed my walls. Got me to a place where I laugh like a child again.
I started on this journey saying "She (the side I kept locked up) doesn't bow for anyone." I was Domme. As I quickly learned, that was only one side of me. I was introduced to the title Switch. See, I have this other side too. This side that is so submissive it will crawl on the floor, face down on stomach to please a Dom. That side has been terribly abused though. So, I locked that away. Let the defender protect that side.
I luckily have good friends. And, at the beginning of my journey a friend challenged me to go full on submissive. That I would never understand the depths of both sides if I didn't fully step into them. So, I stepped out as a submissive. My first attempt fell flat. But, I learned. I then got into relationships with 2 different switches over time. I was able to explore the flow between the two dynamics. I cannot thank them enough for the gift that has been. This is also how I found out I was poly as well. Which gave me the space to learn, and put into practice what I gleaned from my relationships. Some of my connections were submissive in nature. Others were Dominant.
I learned I felt comfortable in both places. I also learned that Switch is the closest thing I have to describe what I am. A better description is Energy Player. What happens between me and another may look like dynamic from the outside, but is very very far from it. Fast forward to now. My two sides are converging in real life. It has been an abrupt collision.
I think it all started to mesh the other day at the kink shop. A couple weeks prior both sides finally came out to play in real life in a series of events. Things were left a bit up in the air as to how they could coexist. I walked into the kink shop to buy some thigh cuffs. A clearly submissive piece of gear. To me they are made to immobilize... to relent. This leads to my thoughts on submission.
Webster's defines submission as:
1. To yield oneself to the authority or will of another : surrender
2. To defer to or consent to abide by the opinion or authority of another
I was talking with a friend and this came out of me
"Here is the thing, I relent because I can.
It's far more powerful.
Not cause they won me over...
(submission) is relenting when you don't have to.
It's kneeling when all you want to do is stand.
I kneel cause I'm strong.
Strong enough to handle the weight of that responsibility.
And I ache to give my strength to that person."
So, not only do I think thigh cuffs are fucking hot (cause they are). They embody so much more for me. They make me vulnerable. They make me rely on someone, something, else when I'm being stubbornly independent. They represent the gentle, healing side of myself. The side most others don't get to see.
Back to the kink shop... While getting my thigh cuffs I also looked at all kinds of toys. Paddles, floggers, spreader bars, latex, leather... canes. Almost as I was out the door a cane caught my eye.
A cane is a purely Dominant tool. This one lured me in. It's small. 12" to be exact. impossibly thin. As thin as a cell phone charger cord. It's innocuous at first glance. But, take it in your hand and you quickly get the gravity of this tool. It is stiff, but has a bit of give. I can gently tap skin, feeling like a nice massage. Or I can load the end, and let it go leaving a nasty welt on anothers skin. The end can tickle and cause laughter if lightly dragged across skin. But, if wielded in a corrective motion it can poke a pressure point, and bring giants to their knees. This tool is the physical personification of my Dominant side.
I walked out of the shop without the cane that day. But, the idea of it haunted me. So much so, I went back and bought it 3 days later. I had allowed my Dominant side to come back. Not only come back, but given it a tool to exert it's will on the world with. A nod to my acceptance of it's existence.
As I sat with the constraint of the cuffs on my thighs, and the cane in my hand, energies converged. And a beautiful symbolism came to mind. I saw exactly how I would wield my cane when not used. I would clip it to one of the rings on my cuffs. A powerful juxtaposition. Hanging power from a sign of submission. tied together. both sides accessible at a moments notice. Allowing flow to happen naturally between the two. How I've always wanted it to be.
So, I now sit at this crossroads of my journey. Where the world that has been trapped inside me for decades, has now physically manifested itself. I have finally gotten myself to the point where I can begin to truly walk out being who I am. So I stand at a scary precipice. I stand with humility, fear, reverence, and curiosity at my next step. This photo is the image form of my evolution. As my name states, the "Theory" is ever-changing. Shall we see where this leads?
