This blog is just going to be some random venting and a way to get some feelings out. I’m not really sure if I am looking for anything from this.
Not really sure why I am on here anymore or involved in bdsm. My journey in bdsm has been good but also a lot of heart break and honestly, I don't think I can handle that again. Having the dream relationship and then it being ended out of nowhere, with zero signs and watching other parts of your life fall apart as an indirect result. I am questioning if I have what it takes to be a Dom anymore. Having the woman you love, who was "the one" say "I am no longer excited about you. Bye" fucking destroys you. Trying to make sense of that while still going about your day-to-day life, putting on a fake sense of happiness. When inside it’s a storm of confusion, sadness and anger (not at her. I have no bad things to say about her).
It was the first healthy bdsm relationship I had with no red flags or negatives I was ignoring out of ignorance/stupidity. Heck, it was the first time I had a relationship with someone that was healthy. No issues, no expecting me to fix them, no outside problems or traumas. A normal, healthy, stable girl and relationship.
Yet, just like the other relationships it fell apart. My journey with bdsm has been neat, learned a lot about myself but also had a lot of bad and soul crushing moments. From a sub I dated for over a year moving across the country without a word while I was out of town for a weekend and finding out from her roommate when I went over the day I got back in town. To being cheated on, stolen from and ghosted more times than I remember. There is more there that I have probably suppressed and forced myself to forget. It’s leading me to think it is time to leave the lifestyle for good. I told myself a year ago when my last relationship ended to be extremely cautious and to make sure the next relationship would last. I did both those things yet it still didn't work. I had a long list of boxes that had to be checked by a potential partner, she checked all of them as we got to know each other without me ever saying anything.
We took it very slow at her pace which was slower than I thought of going at. The communication was the strongest I had ever experienced, that both of us had experienced. I have spent a lot of time reflecting, reading through our texts, thinking about our phone calls and the time we spent in person. For the life of me I cannot figure out where a mistake was made. Where the moment it started to unravel began. I’ll miss my Allie a lot (that is not her username on here so I can say it in my blog. Nor will any of you be able to figure out her username based off that). It's one time I would love to give a second chance because we all deserve one.
I feel like something out there is saying "hey Zach this is not meant for you". I had that feeling after my last relationship ended last year. I can be pretty stubborn and came back to bdsm again. Promising myself to not let myself get hurt again. This time hurts more than the others and the idea to leave to lifestyle is forefront in my mind. But bdsm is a part of me and pushing that away won’t work.
If anyone read this long rambling mess of a blog post thank you.
