From time to time the subject of journals pops up in random conversations.
Some journals are written on paper and some electronically. With my experience with my computers....4 or 5 now i like to take the time and energy to capture my journals on paper. then i keep them up high where hopefully nothing will happen to them. And my journals number approximately 20 now.
Some subs journals are regularly read by their Dominants while some journals are left to be the subs private property. And i have listened while some Dominants have waxed and waned on about reading their subs journal so that they know what is going on. And if i knew that my journal could be read like that....ill be honest when i say that i wouldnt bare my soul and put my in depth feelings down upon its pages.
However, since i was long distance i never had to worry that my journal would be read. So i got into the habit of dumping everything that i was thinking and feeling into those journals. If a meeting was getting close i would make sure i went down with a new journal so that my stuff wouldnt be exposed.
Being in a poly D/s that is long distance is not easy. And truthfully when the Dominant is out with one of the others the female human mind can go bonkers. And lets be honest....its not just endorphins and body and brain chemistry.....bdsm also involves a womans hormones. Together it can all be a volatile cocktail of insecurities, hurt and anger. And when the Dominants poly skills suck....or in other words are severely lacking, the sub who is long distance can suffer quite a bit and mostly it feels like a broken heart. And yes humans can be affected to the point where it feels as if your heart actually hurts.
So my journals have always been a sort of companion on the journey through fast tracking,grooming and god knows what other tactics were employed in my BDSM initiation games.
The other side of keeping a detailed journal with your deepest thoughts and your feelings is that you can go back at any time and read your journal and you can remember ...and the feelings can come back and sometimes you can get high from remembering what that playtime was like.
The more times you use your endorphins the more that are made. if you keep triggering your endorphins life can be a very happy thing for you. thats how a sub gets addicted to a Dominant. all those feel good chemicals make it really easy to get attached to the person triggering them. And your hormones get mixed up in all the drama. Thats is the REASON why most subs dont walk when they need to walk. Their bodies are so flooded with feel good chemicals that they cant think clearly enough to realize the relationship isnt good for them and they need to get out. Its not stupidity or the fact they cant see things. They have their body being used against them. Its 2 to 1. The Dominant and their body working against them. Its hard to see the writing on the wall when you are so high you can barely see.
So the good that comes from writing a journal i would learn as i started to keep track of my personal finances in a seperate journal, is that writing down when i made phone calls or documenting financial decisions and tracking rehab projects can be really useful. I even documented mailing bills or making payments and then it was easy to go back and look to see when i mailed this or that....or had that conversation with whoever.
But the ultimate good i learned especially when it concerned my submissives journal was that over time i realized that when stuff happens to me i spend a lot of time going over and over it in my brain almost as if i am afraid that i will forget the details of what happened. Which is bad because i learned that it then allows me to over think stuff or over analyze stuff and for me thats bad...because i can get so entrenched in why something angers me so much that i cant let it go. Seriously writing in my journal would become very freeing for me. It would almost become a highly trusted friend. I could write stuff in it and then knowing it was safe on the pages on the book i would let it go and my anger and hurt and be able to move on.
So when my insecurities flare up or i get angry or mad or sad...i turn to my journal. i bare my soul and let everything out and then i can close the journal when i am done, dry my eyes and move on with my life. If journal writing is the one lasting perk i get from the insane exploration of BDSM that i have been pushed and dragged along...im gonna be okay.
