Because of the things we do in this lifestyle, much of our attention is on physical safety. For many kinds of S&M play, attention to safety is a critical factor. Good tops pay attention to safety. I learned in martial arts how to train without damaging my sparring partner. I was trained by the Red Cross on life saving technique and CPR. I have studied anatomy and the systems of the body since I was 10 (when I thought I wanted to be a doctor). When I learn a new play technique, I deconstruct it in order to understand its effects on the body. Like many dominant men that enjoy applying sensation to get reactions, I have paid attention to the safety aspects of TWIITWD (that which it is that we do).
But, what does a submissive woman mean when she says:
"You make me feel safe" ?
My Imp has said this to me several times in the last year and a half. I've come to understand that she means much more than just physical safety. All that training and attention to bodily detail that I've learned in previous years matters to her only when we're actually playing; but, she means more than just physical safety when she says I make her feel safe. She appreciates the emotional, mental and relational safety that I provide.
I have learned from prior relationships that when we maximize integrity, trust, transparency, vulnerability and intimacy, we also maximize the health of the relationship. I believe these five aspects of relationships are interrelated like this:
Relationships are based on shared intimacy.
Intimacy requires mutual vulnerability and transparency.
Vulnerability and transparency occur when trust is present.
Trust is built through repeated demonstrations of integrity.
There is an ease and flow to a relationship that follows this pattern; and, conversely, relationships that neglect these things will typically begin to exhibit signs of distress. But how do intimacy, vulnerability, transparency, trust and integrity lead to a feeling of safety?
There is a concept in psychology called emotional safety which occurs when two people trust each other and give each other the benefit of the doubt. I believe that vulnerability, transparency and intimacy are the fruit of emotional safety. When a couple can mutually share intimacy via vulnerability and transparency, it implies that trust is present in the relationship. For most of us, that feels safe because we can express who we are without fear of reprisal or being made wrong for who we are. But, when that safety is lost, we are inclined to be distrustful, search for the hidden meanings behind each other's affect, and look for potential threats in each other's words and behavior.
We communicate our emotional safety through our affect or body language. Small visual and subtle energy clues give us a "read" on our partner. Tomkin's defines affect as the: "biological portion of emotion," that is "hard-wired, preprogrammed, genetically transmitted mechanisms that exist in each of us" which, when triggered, precipitates a "known pattern of biological events."[1] Since our feelings of safety in the relationship are largely due to our partner's affect, the converse is also true: how we present ourselves will have an effect on our partner's sense of safety in the relationship.
Just as there are physically abusive relationships, there are also emotionally abusive relationships. To feel emotionally safe is the opposite of feeling emotionally abused. While emotional abuse is too large a topic to cover in this article, I will impart one lesson I learned from the emotional abuse of my ex-wife. If you are feeling like your head is swimming and you're floating in a FOG, you are likely being emotionally abused because the primary tools of the emotional abuser are: Fear (making you afraid), Obligation (appealing to your sense of duty), and Guilt (making you wrong for what you've done). Emotionally safe relationships are F.O.G. free.
Another kind of safety is mental safety. Some people are mentally exhausting. They aren't being intentionally abusive nor making you fearful, obligated or guilty; but their level of insecurity or viewing themselves constantly as victims makes them mentally exhausting to deal with. Others will use their intelligence and education as sledgehammers which is another form of mental abuse where a partner feels like they are drowning trying to keep up. A kind person will use his intelligence and education to make his partner feel safe, not browbeaten.
Finally, there is relational safety. Being safe in a relationship means that commitments are upheld. Commitments are formed around shared values and need to be maintained for the relationship to stay on firm footing. These are the fundamental agreements around practical things: alcohol/drug/tobacco use, financial matters, sexual compatibility and practices, living conditions, role responsibilities, etc. I tend to think of these as the practicalities of two people interacting on planet earth. This has significant overlap with mental and emotional safety but is worth noting as a separate category.
So, when someone says, "You Make Me Feel Safe", consider more than just the physical aspect of safety and look at it from the emotional, mental, and relational aspects too.
-posted bySirRender on another site
