Gravity, is working against me
And gravity, wants to bring me down…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7VBex8zbDRs
This is the absolute first thing that comes to mind when I think of the word gravity. Since I am working on becoming a physicist, I might want to evolve that perspective a bit in time. I nervously laugh thinking about how many times hearing the word during lectures will trigger the looping melody in my head. I guess all things considered, there could be a million other songs I'd rather not have stuck in my head.
grav·i·ty
/ˈɡravədē/
noun
noun: gravity
1.
PHYSICS
the force that attracts a body toward the center of the earth, or toward any other physical body having mass.
synonyms:
attraction, attracting force, downward force, pull, weight, heaviness
"gravity attracts objects toward each other"
the degree of intensity of gravity, measured by acceleration.
2.
extreme or alarming importance; seriousness.
"crimes of the utmost gravity"
synonyms:
seriousness, importance, profundity, significance, momentousness, moment, weightiness, weight, consequence, magnitude; More
antonyms:
triviality
3.
seriousness or solemnity of manner.
"has the poet ever spoken with greater eloquence or gravity?"
synonyms:
solemnity, seriousness, sombreness, sobriety, soberness, severity; More
antonyms:
cheerfulness, levity
Lately I've been thinking about how busy I've been in my life and how I haven't been able to find the submission to my Daddy that I had before. It's been a little lonely lately.
I'm not saying that my Daddy isn't there for me. It's simply that as an individual I've recently put on a lot more 'hats'. I've added a full-time college schedule, another (and the last) child is starting pre-school this year, I have a group therapy class, and to top it all off I am a mother of three, and so a housewife, the goddess of my domain, and I've just moved into a new house and a new phase of my life.
In my life I've managed to convert some hopelessness and depression into hope. But I still feel incomplete. I miss the guidance, now more than ever. Secretly, I am hopeful but my dumb gut tells me my life is starting to spin out of control with pressure. It's a new feeling of messiness and fear, but I'm working hard to turn it into excitement and anticipation.
I wish I had the dynamic my Daddy and I once had, I could use it now more than ever. I don't know if he will see this and I hope and pray my words have been kind, frank and honest. I've told him exactly this and so it's not that I'm trying to rat him out or cry out for submission, but it sure does feel a little better to get it off of my chest.
I know it's never a good idea to be driven totally by emotions and so I am not quick to make any decisions and changes in our lives because I am in an ever changing state right now, emotionally, mentally, and even physically. But this loneliness and fear sure is feeling intense these days. I feel like I'm going spin out of control or be thrown into chaos.
I really need gravity right now, in so many ways. I need to feel the weight that brings me to kneel and grounds me to reality instead of emotion.
Oh, twice as much ain't twice as good
And can't sustain like one half could
It's wanting more that's gonna send me to my knees
This isn't the first test I've been through and certainly won't be the last.
I certainly feel ungrateful, even though I am only being honest, and I am doing my best.
Anyone else ever went through a phase like this? How did you deal with it? Did your dominant find his/her center again to center you? I don't know if he ever will and I'm starting to lose hope. I hate how asking advice is like admitting you have a problem, but like Evita said, "better to win by admitting my sin, than to lose with a halo."
Turns out you can be intelligent and even study physics and you still have not one iota of control when it comes to emotions and subjectivity. I keep thinking if I am smart enough I will figure out a way to fix our dynamic, but all the intelligence in the world can't make another person want something.