Trust... It's something I've struggled with my entire life.
Mine has been broken time and time again, by friends, by family, by coworkers. It's part of the reason why I'm having such a hard time just being me - why I'm having to rediscover myself and learn about being dominant, rather than just being.
Trust is the hardest thing to fix, and the easiest thing to develop problems with. And it's one of my biggest problems.
My husband... He's the sweetest, most loving, most understanding person I've ever met. Even after all of the horror stories I've been told about his past, he managed to move on, to love, and to trust.
But then there's me. I haven't gone through nearly as much, and yet, I get scared when he finds a new website, a new chatroom, when he talks a lot about new friends. I get so scared, that he'll realize one day how terrible I (think I) am. He'll find someone better. A Dom/Domme who can give him everything he wants, without needing to work hard for it like I am. A lover who can satisfy him better than I can. I fear he'll one day decide he's tired of digging through the muck of my mind while I try to find the gem I used to have.
And... I know it's not fair of me to think and feel that way. It's from my lack of trust.
But, this is something I've been working to fix, a lot, lately. Instead of thinking the worst about him, about secret messages or conversations that definitely aren't happening, I remind myself of the truths. He knows my stance on relationships, as I know his, and he respects and loves me way too much to do that to me.
That's the wonderful, amazing thing about my husband, my submissive - he loves me, and he has never given me a reason to doubt that. To doubt him. Even with the fact that he's way more open about love than I am, not once, has he ever made me think that he would leave me in order to live the poly lifestyle he thinks about. Not once has he ever made me feel like I can't give him everything he wants or needs, just because I need to work on myself a little. Not once, has he ever made passes at people or gawked when someone (in my mind) 100x prettier walks by, because, even if they might catch his attention for a moment, he loves me, he chooses me every day, and he knows that would hurt me. He knows it wouldn't be respectful to go after someone else, when his partner is very, very monogomous.
And, because of all of that...
I trust him.
I didn't act like it before. Maybe I truly didn't trust him 100% for a long time. But he said something to me the other day, that, while it's not an immediate fix, did really help me to trust him. If I wasn't enough, if he didn't care enough, or he really did decide not to love me anymore, it's not worth the fight. I can't change him or his mind or his desires. The only one I can 100% control, is me. So, if he did decide to break my trust... It's on him. Not me.
Because of that, I trust him. I believe it when he says that my love is all that he needs to be happy for the rest of his life. I believe him when he says that he's happy to help me get back on my feet and rediscover myself, so that I can (hopefully) be the proper dominant. I believe him when he says that, even if it turned out I wasn't dominant (Though, with what goes on in my head, that's very doubtful to me), it would be okay. He would still be happy, as long as I understood him and didn't try to change him.
I trust him.
Wolfy, I don't know if you actually read these, but... I trust you.
I'm sorry I didn't give you my full trust for a long time.
But I trust you.
I hope you know that.
And I love you.
