HuntertheYeenQueen(dom femme){Allie Kat}

Enter the Void

Ramblings and musings of a fox who is struggling to pull herself together and regain the confidence that was once broken and stripped from her. Will most likely be nothing more than a mind dump when things are getting rough.

Asshole

5 years ago. November 28, 2018 at 3:18 PM

I oftentimes find myself struggling with one very big part of myself that seems to be one of the core problems effecting my self-esteem.

In my eyes... I'm a huge asshole.

I don't even know where it came from, what started me down this path, why I have this part of my personality. Maybe it's from being an only child... Getting most of what I wanted and never really having to deal with fights properly. Maybe it's from my lack of experience in relationships. Maybe it's just... Who I am deep down.

But I hate it. I disgust myself when I look back on situations and realize how nasty I was. Because of course I rarely catch it in the heat of the moment. That would be too convenient, to realize what's happening and be able to step back, apologize, catch my breath, and try again. No... I end up hurting people, most importantly my submissive, with my ways. And it kills me.

I have this... Instinct... Desire... To tell people they're wrong, to not admit to my own mistakes, and to want to tear them apart when things go wrong. To hurt. And while, over the years, I've become really good at stopping it, it still happens sometimes. I act with this malice instead of the love and affection I've built into myself.

I don't want to feel this way. And for the most part, I feel as though I ignore the disgusting tendancies really well. When the thoughts pop into my head, I can ignore them, or remind myself of what is and isn't fair. But now and then... I react. I bite. I let go of the safety measures I've instilled inside myself to fight back that part of me. And I lash out. I think terrible things of people. I do horrible things to them. And it's so, so very hard to forgive myself for it...

It's probably one of the biggest problems I have with myself. My pride. It makes me this disgusting person and it scares me. I don't like hurting people. I don't like hurting him. But I do. A lot. It makes me sick.

I'm an asshole... And I have such a hard time handling that fact. I don't like being broken this way. And, I do feel like I'm getting better at dealing with it, holding it back so I don't hurt others 24/7. But I still do it. This part of me still sneaks out now and then and takes control. It makes me do things I regret the moment I'm taken out of the situation and allowed to think rationally instead of defensively.

I wish this were like a disease, where I could get treatment to get rid of it. Have surgery to cut it out of myself. Rip it off so it doesn't effect me anymore. If only it were that easy...

Sensual City Girl{ForeverHIS} - I grew up in a home where words/actions were not taken into account as to how they were said and what was said. Apologies always came after, but what's the point when the damage is done. I heard and experienced a lot of painful words and because of that I learned to keep silent when angry so I never hurt anyone I care for or anyone for that matter. So, I teach my kids about being aware how they talk to people and each other. I actually had to have this conversation with my oldest, who is 10, quite a bit recently - like on thanksgiving day. I have taught her to always speak her mind and express how she feels. As of late, I've been working with her on how to do that kindly without hurting others. Ironically, she always cares about people first, until she's fed up and needs to vent. I tell her repeatedly to first stop and take a deep breath and think before speaking and to be aware of her tone and body language. Coming out just blurting what's first on your mind with rapid emotions can be very hurtful and I tell her to think how would she feel if someone talked to her the way she did to them. Granted, she's 10, but I want her to understand and know how powerful words are as well as your actions have consequences. And thing is worse than feeling terrible for hurting someone. I don't recommend holding it back - that's just a really bad disaster waiting to happen.

Be kind to yourself, acknowledging and knowing your short-comings is a start and you will over time with learn how to handle those situations as they arise. Best wishes!

5 years ago

Bunnie - Wow. You could’ve taken these exact words from my own mouth (hand). I never expected to hear that someone else felt this exact same way about a part of themselves. I wish I could share how to deal with it, or say that I’ve slayed this dragon (I call her my Dragon)... but I can’t. The most I’ve come up with so far, is learning to accept her, and recognising that she has had a necessary role in the past... and that when she steps out, things inside are out of balance, and I’ve become disconnected within myself. She is my protector when I’m feeling unsafe (emotionally). Thank you for sharing this, I understand how hard that potentially was :)

5 years ago

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HuntertheYeenQueen​(dom femme){Allie Kat}

Enter the Void

Asshole

HuntertheYeenQueen(dom femme){Allie Kat}