Reflection of the past year to now
Last year wasn't just a bad year, it wasn't just instability, it wasn't even just traumatic issues one after another, it was being re traumatized, reprogrammed in a way I already broke from mentally like 10 years ago, and losing everyone I thought I had as a support system or at least people i thought still had human dignity and decency,
These days I'm bitter and cynical about them and want nothing to do with them, because if they were willing to endanger my life, they were never a support system to begin with
Let's start with my family, toxic neo nazis who hate me for not being one of them and my own mother saying my blood is dirty because I have my dad's blood inside me (but of course my brother doesn't count) and being their messy emotional lightning rod for nearly 19 years
Dad? Useless waste of space narcissistic neo nazi psychopath who tried to kill me multiple times
Mom? Useless clone of dad while being nightmarishly emotionally abusive
(Some people say she was actually worse cause dad was just mental and physical abuse and her bs did more damage)
Brothers - useless siblings I thought would protect me cause they're older than me, left me for dead / wanted to abuse me like mom and dad
Extended family? Don't have contact cause they're not around / several States away / have their own lives etc
So my baseline since six years old was "I don't matter" and I was programmed to function that way on a deeply nervous system level
Cut to my adult years. 18 to 23
Bdsm, care takers in forms of doms, reprogramming, pseudo therapy practices via scenes, sessions, impact play and emotional growth and support,
I started healing
I started arguing with that narrative
I started rejecting it mentally
I started defending myself
I started gaining independence, confidence and body autonomy
I leave the abuse house behind at 24 for my ex
Cause i thought he was another care taker who would help me heal and grow as a person
The first couple years, growth, healing, jobs I enjoyed at work, work places I enjoyed being, responsibilities I adored, social communities, starting to make friends, going to events
Relationship drama - crying at work in the walk in freezer and my manager making sure I was okay emotionally for over an hour, we had paused truck duties because I couldn't pretend I was fine anymore, I wasn't fine, I was devastated over a stupid dinner my ex didn't appreciate, I was trying to off load the truck with him and started crying and had to leave, he chased me to the walk in freezer and gave me a juice and we talked for like an hour cause he was genuinely worried about me so I told him about the fighting me and my ex had the past week and so on
That manager was far more of a care taker than my own partner who was supposed to be that
But I know now he didn't wanna be that, he just wanted someone to fuck (his words during one fight)
Today marks a year since the drama of him leaving me abandoned in the apartment
I don't remember what he looks like, my brain deleted so many files on him that I barely remember our relationship when we had happy moments, I sorta remember the waterfall date but barely.. I don't remember his face, voice, or much else cause my brain went cntrl, alt delete on his entire file just like it did with my dad
I also don't remember him either and haven't for years now
The other day marked a year since the last time I saw my ex also..
So what happened after he left me stranded? I at the time was unemployed, scrambling for job interviews, 3 a day at some points, nearly a job interview every day or every two days, I couldn't find anything, I got hired by ups but they went from 8 hour shifts to suddenly wanting 12 hours for 6 days a week which wasn't the original agreed schedule at all and I couldn't physically handle standing that long at a time
I showed up for the one day then never went back because I just felt so defeated like I couldn't even handle that insane of a shift
I still tried really hard to find something, anything, even my ex's mom tried to take me to multiple food pantries and was trying to figure out how to help me and was days away from taking me to a local homeless shelter and was worried sick for me / extremely appalled by her own son
His own brother beat him for leaving me that way and just told me to survive and take care of myself and I promised him I would
I also had the memories of past Dom's shouting at me to not give up all their previous progress in my healing journey
Cammy especially always pops up in the back of my head as a steady "keep going" figure
My therapist said they're pillers these days / parts of my brain that trigger encouragement and strength when the rest is struggling etc
So I couldn't give up on them..
Or our past progress
That was ours and mine
And my brain is still mine
And I refuse to stay in this stupid neighborhood mentally, Ive already been here, I already left here, I can do again, I just hate how arduous it's going to be to do a second time
Cause the way my ex left me, it shattered me mentally and reinforced what my family told me; "I don't matter"
These days people argue that I do, my new boss especially - "I don't care that you're shy, I care that you're honest, I don't fly with workplace bullying and bs domination, if someone hurt you, you tell me, no exceptions" etc
That was striking and cut through so much mental noise and wiring, (someone at work tried to bully me and he damn near went nuclear on them immediately)
Meanwhile the regulars constantly tell me how I'm the best at cleaning and chores and how much they deeply appreciate that I make the building as clean as possible when there and several even offered hiring me for their company
I turned down the job offers cause I didn't understand the praise and didn't know them very well
But my cleaning is just my default from the high society grocery store where we had to be pristine all the time about everything, so its just a way to show respect for my old managers who looked out for me at the grocery store, even if I'm several States away, I still believe in energy and carrying them with me in a way, so I feel I owe it to them to do my job well no matter what, that's just a default they popped next to the other stuff doms had put in place and it fit right alongside their plug ins
But I'm still deeply traumatized and trying to heal, case in point, my air mattress popped last night and I couldnt fix it and my first thought when I woke up on the floor, wasn't, oh, it popped or oh I need a new bed now, granted that came later after i woke up, but my immediately first thought was "wow is Chris a piece of human shit and this is his fault Im even dealing with this in the first place and god I wish I could beat the shit out of him rn" that was my genuine first thought before logic me woke up emotional and trying to solve the bed crisis
I don't like that he made me hate him
I don't like that he traumatized me
I don't like that he nearly reversed years of grueling emotional and mental effort
I don't like that he took away my sweetness and left me extremely hateful towards him
But I know hating someone is like drinking poison and expecting it to effect the other person
I know I need to spit it up
I just don't know how
At least not yet
But I'm still trying to schedule sessions with my therapist
I still have homework therapy books
I still have 10 books I need to get from the book store to work in
I still have books saved on Amazon for more homework
I still already completed 4 major cptsd work books for the time being
I still have my last doms nudging me to be healthy cause they have standards and damn it so do I
So I will bury myself in as many homework books as it takes to heal from junk and try to be as cooperative with my therapist and her meds as much as humanly possible
Because I want to heal
It's my brain
I didn't let my dad have it
My ex doesn't get it either
Even if I have to rip down my own fortress walls
I don't care if it hurts
I just care that I heal
Now granted that's psychology self harm if I'm not careful but still, that's how pissed I am, cause I would rather destroy shit in the hopes of fixing something than stay this way
Some people wanted me to write how I'm strong and blah blah, I don't feel strong, I feel angry, violated and disgusted with the last year. And I don't wanna lie about it, but I don't plan to stay here mentally either if I can help it.
Plus if I wrote something like that it would of been fake, and I don't wanna be that either ever again