Anyone in the BDSM community who has known me for any length of time will tell you that one of my most commonly repeated mantras regards one of the best keys to happiness in a relationship that I've learned over my years in BDSM.
It's about building a truly healthy, stable, self-sustaining, energy replenishing, constantly fresh, always new and exciting, continually evolving, highly successful, long-term, living, breathing, BDSM relationship, and it’s one of the first pieces of advice I give to a new BDSM couple should they ask me.
So here’s what I tell them:
Start by communicating openly. You’ll find this also helps you move past the “doubt” and “fear” stages of “Storming, Norming, and Performing” that every new BDSM relationship goes through a HELL of a lot easier.
If you’re still together after that and the two of you decide that you both deeply want to make this new relationship a long-term relationship it’s time to sit down together for an honest adult-to-adult conversation.
Don’t get me wrong here – these discussions should be an on-going and regular part of your BDSM relationship whether it last 5 months or 50 years. It doesn’t matter whether it’s a scheduled weekly check-in or a deeper discussion.
Dom(mes) that think they can skip this and ignore their sub or slave’s feelings altogether are in all probability not going to be LTR material for long. I’ve watched as dozens of those “relationships” fall out of the sky nose-first before they face-plant in the ground with a nice big ole’ fireball that leaves all sorts of human emotional wreckage scattered about the countryside. It also leaves some terrible scars for the survivors that are very real – just not seen. That's not what we're here for.
Nope. What I’m talking about is a conversation that should happen openly and honestly – and the sooner the better.
The goal is to sit down together and imagine ways that you can eroticize your shared daily landscape in a fashion that for both of you is equally and jointly very sexually arousing. Have some fun with it! Then take your exciting new creation and make a REAL commitment to each other to actually LIVE IT EVERY DAY!
Make the ordinary and mundane aspects of you daily lives - be it doing dishes, laundry, house chores, grocery shopping, cooking, dining out - or ANYTHING else for that matter a > SHARED < highly sensual - and yes - a playful and overtly sexual experience. BDSM couples living this way together will discover that this makes for a VERY powerful tool to keep that sexual current between partners flowing - sparking and humming with a truly tangible electricity.
After all, one of my most important jobs as a Master is to make sure that sub or slave who is willingly wearing my collar is always as physically, emotionally and intellectually engaged and focused as she can be.
And doing this while keeping her simultaneously as hot, wet, aroused, and sexually needy as she possibly can be - to whatever level that is appropriate for the time, place, and specific circumstances makes my life a whole lot easier. (Whatever you do, just don't tell them that....)
Her job is to take the need that I'm generating for her and - (and in my personal case as a sapiosexual) – take that clever and delightfully deviant little mind of hers and put it to good use by always coming up with the naughtiest and dirtiest ways she can think of to both express her wanton state of aching need preferrably with the filthiest mouth imaginable – but for any couple her object is to find her own unique way of throwing all of her sexual arousal and desire - right back at me.
And it doesn’t take long, believe me. You’ll both find that this newly found enlightened atmosphere of tangible sexual tension will result in a profoundly heightened awareness of all of your senses. This is even truer in the way you will sense and perceive each other. It adds new colors, shades, textures, vibrancy, dimensions, and opens the door for new possibilities that make the ordinary extrordinary, and the mundane? Magical!!.
So what's the REAL payoff?
Well, you see, the real payoff is just the icing on the cake...
These newly discovered feelings, bonds of trust, and loving attraction for each other will continually grow tighter and deeper. Over time it will bind the two of you together tighter than even the best, most expensive, hand-made, silk Shibari that money can buy can only dream of…..
Just a little advice from an old war-dog’s perspective - so - take it for what it’s worth.
All Stations This Net:
This is Major Zach
Signing Off....