Most of my blogs recount the glorious adventures of Sir and kitten. And while our story is a beautiful, sexy, romantic one, it would be a lie to pretend that every moment is a fairytale.
I’ll preface this post by saying my Sir is wonderful. He’s patient and doting. He gives me love and romance in addition to a beautiful D/s dynamic. He makes me feel safe and cherished, he allows me to be my crazy self, and he loves me for it. He’s loyal and thoughtful. He encourages me and pampers me and hurts me in all the best ways. He’s everything I could want in a Dom and partner.
That said, today’s post is about the hard times. There are difficult moments, difficult days, difficult weeks in our dynamic. I feel it’s just as important, if not more important, for me to share those struggles as well as the happy exciting stories.
We all have different strengths, different desires, different needs. I personally am built for a relationship. A monogamous, domestic, ‘til death do us part’ type relationship. I’ve never been the type to dive headfirst into the dating scene. Never enjoyed the single independent life. Never wanted to experience polygamy or multiple partners. Never wanted my “freedom”. Those things do not satisfy my soul.
Im not the girl who’s ok with just a “fun time”, a learning experience, a partner who’s just a caveat to the next. I crave a life partner, an owner who will be there day in and day out to comfort me, protect me, teach me, dote on me, discipline me, romance me, lead me. I need one who thrives on my obsessive adoration for him and feels at his best when he’s with me, like I do with him.
I was built to stand (or kneel) beside my person, my ONE. I want to go home each night knowing that they'll be there. I want someone I can eat dinner with, cuddle on the couch with, go to bed with each night. I want to be able to roll over after a bad dream and find comfort in their arms. I want to slow dance in the kitchen after I’ve finished the dishes and bring my lover coffee in bed each morning. I want to blabber on about my day in the evenings and see the wrinkles form around their eyes when they concentrate. I want to smell their scent on my sheets and listen to their snores in the dark. I want a partner to stroll with me through the grocery store and be my date to all the movies. I want someone who’s my best friend, my loyal companion, my confidante, and who I can walk through life with knowing that they’ll never leave, never give up on us, never go searching for something or someone else. I want to know my ONE better than I know myself. I want to tell them all my secrets and to keep all of theirs. I want them to see my good and my bad and I want them to show me all their dark crevices. I want to know that when one of us takes our last breath, the other one will be there holding their hand.
Being a relationship girl, Im not good at being alone. But five days a week, I am. Yes, I have a job. Yes, Sir and I text and talk on the phone and do all the things long distance couples do to try and stay connected. But five days a week I wake up alone, eat alone, shop alone, shower alone, drive around alone, watch tv alone, read alone, go to bed alone. Then I wake up alone again the next day and start over.
It’s hard. It’s really really hard. Soul crushing. During these days I struggle with depression, depersonalization, and mood swings. I hate sitting at home alone in the silence but when I go out and socialize I find myself resenting the people around me from keeping me from being home where Sir might call or FaceTime me. I spend Monday to Friday counting down the hours until I’m back with Sir, and then when Friday night comes I struggle with embracing the moment because I see the 42 hour timer hanging over my head reminding me I’ll be alone again soon.
Some weeks I feel like Sir and I are so connected and so in tune with each other and the happenings of our lives that it’s almost like we’re not even apart. Those are the weeks where we have ample time to talk and can watch movies together at night and do things that make me feel close to him despite the physical distance. And then there are some weeks that I feel like despite being committed and in love, we’re two people living two completely separate lives. These are the weeks where Sir, or both of us, are busy and our communication is limited (although still daily).
My point of this blog is to say that long distance relationships are hard. D/s relationships are hard. No person or relationship is perfect. And what you see on forums and social media is just snippet of the full story.
I found my dream Dom. I’m insanely in love with him and I’ve given myself to him fully. He treats me like a princess and fucks me like a slut. He takes me on dates and pets my head when I kneel at his feet. He’s handsome and smart and he listens to me with genuine interest. He’s my hero and the villain. But my story isn’t only bliss and rainbows. It’s painful. It’s sad and complicated. It’s real.
=^.^=
