I have been asked over the course of the years “why haven’t you left the community?” I tell them “it’s in me”. I get funny looks and we move on with the conversation. It wasn’t until recently how much the community was in me. It is a life choice for me.
I joined the community in 2015. I have had many ups and downs along the way. I have tried to figure out my way. I even stumbled along. I even tried leaving the community a couple of times. I kept finding my way back here.
The first time I left was in June 2017. I turned off my fet page and any connection I had to kink. I closed off my kink friends, everything. I did it because of what happened the year prior and now, a divorce. I didn’t want my chances of getting my daughter to be jeopardized by the lifestyle. (I did win full custody of her BTW. ) I also, think I just needed a break from it all. I was told how to act and how not act. I was being told who I was and who I wasn’t. I wasn’t given a chance to figure it out on my own. I needed too.
In October 2017 I decided it was time to come back to the community. I needed an outlet. I joined some munches and trying to live this new life I had created. I had a new fet page. I started over. I started to attend the munches here and there. About every other month I was attending. Still to cautious to go every month.
By July 2018 I jumped in full force. I was way more active in my role in the community. I was attending two munches a month. I went where I felt safe. Even though I felt like I wasn’t safe due to personal matters. I was out there. Trying so many new kinks and fetishes. Learning how much kink was in me.
Jan 2020 before the pandemic hit I decided I would be attending my last munch the following month. I would walk away from the community yet again. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t deal with drama, the pain, the lies, everything that had surrounded me for nearly two years. My primal and my submissive side were strong. I couldn’t control them and I didn’t know what to do. I walked. I barely stayed on Fet just to help keep events posted in IL. I never attended. I didn’t want to. This wasn’t my life anymore. I didn’t want it to be my life.
When July 2020 came up I was realizing how much I needed to be tied. I needed that bondage time. I wanted to be played with. Now, being in a pandemic, this was not possible. I joined a rope class and learned some pretty awesome things. I started to pour wax myself too for fun. That killed the edge. It’s not filling the need I so craved.
After the restrictions were lifted I try to get to a local munch and get my ass spanked as much as I can. It helps calm my submissive for a bit. After last month, I noticed how much she really just wants to get out and play. I miss the hand around my throat, being called a good girl, being spanked, begging to cum, all of that. Even if it’s platonic still the hand around my throat, my hair pulled, being spanked, being called a good girl or a good kitten.
The longer I’m in this lifestyle the more I realize that I can’t take the bratty little out of me. I can’t take the submissive out of me. So many times I have a Dom friend do something. I automatically want to do it for them. I cant, since they have a submissive themselves. There are times being unowned is hard. Especially when the need of wanting to play is strong.
This writing is not an invitation for someone to message me and be like can we play. The answer is going to be no. Only time it’s not is, if we have already established connection.
With all of that being said, I don’t see myself leaving. I enjoy the community to much. It’s much apart of me. Every time I try and walk, I get drawn back. I find my happy place once again.
