In therapy we have been working through my abuse. A lot of it in detail. As I continue on I am learning how to live outside of what I have been taught. I have to learn what healthy boundaries are and how to keep them in place. Which is something I never have done before. It was what I was taught.
The earliest time I remember my boundaries being crossed was when I was 13 years of age. When my boyfriend at the time would do something. I would be like “no”. He would continue said thing or get his friend to do said thing. I would laugh it off and just be like whatever. Again this happened at the ages of 14, 15, and even into 16 years of age. My boundaries were crossed. If I went to an adult and state they were crossed, what do I do. I was told I was lying and I’m imagining it. It was something else entirely. The most crucial years, no one told me about these things.
Let’s fast forward to 2001-2017. During these years I was married as many of you know who follow me. The mental, verbal, and emotional abuse I went through. Something I was realizing today is that he was raised to cross them and push til he got what he wanted. His whole family is that way. If you said no to anything, they would keep asking you the same thing til you said yes. Find other ways to manipulate you into feeling bad or guilty to get what they wanted. Am I excusing what he did? No, I am not. I am seeing a pattern that was formed.
So many times people who want to cross our boundaries benefit from us having lack of them. Those who respect them stand in front of them respecting you. They don’t push you. This is something is a hard lesson I am learning right now. It’s a lesson in life, I was never taught. Now, I am learning how to identify factors of when people are pushing, manipulating those boundaries, those who don’t respect the boundaries I set in place.
I am admin for some online kink groups. I am involved in FetLife and I attend munches in the real world. What I am noticing is when I say no to affection in real life that also means no to online affection. When I ignore the comments it’s not me giving you consent to do so. You are probably thinking “block the person”. Maybe you’re right. When you have never experienced something like this how am I supposed to know to keep my boundaries in place.
I wrote a thing a while back about my walls. I was talking to my therapist about that. He said think of those as your boundaries. If someone comes to you and asks you “how can I knock down your walls, is that healthy?” I had to think about that. In a sense that person would be saying “can I break down your boundaries? That isn’t ok. So, why would it be ok for one one to knock down my walls?
There has been two people I have allowed to break down walls. Where I have set different boundaries for. Two people who have known the most intimate parts of me. Parts I don’t share with others. I’m not talking sexual. Those people never pushed me to talk. Those people always just listened to me. Waited for me to go to them and talk. That’s how it should be.
For me, when I tell people I don’t want a boyfriend right now, I mean it. I shouldn’t have to set talking boundaries with people because they don’t want to listen. They just want to cross the line. They want to see and play with the line. How is that ok?
I am trying hard right now to learn where all of my boundaries lay. Especially with new people I interact with. I am trying to learn to keep them in place and not be manipulated into changing my answer or saying yes without me knowing. I just ask people respect my boundaries. If you can’t respect them then, I need to learn we aren’t friends or cant talk.
Consent is always key. No matter if you are online or in person. Boundaries are set for a reason. Boundaries are set to protect the person who set them. Not to make your life miserable. It only makes your life miserable when you can’t benefit from it.
