Puddles of Me(sub female)

I found something I agree with...

...To call submission a gift means to give it, no strings attached, with no expectation of getting something in return. Let's face it: almost no one does this. Submission therefore is not a gift, but a commodity. That doesn't in any way make it bad, or cheap, or less "romantic". We offer submission expecting to get dominance in return.

So it's not giving a gift, but establishing a symbiotic relationship where each feeds from the other.

from the book Conquer Me by Kacie Cunningham

I failed miserably

4 years ago. April 9, 2020 at 12:47 AM

I have found a 'vanilla' man I am very attracted to. I love that he is so open minded sexually so I tried talking to him about my desire for a D/s relationship. I want a relationship that is so much more than just sexual. Well, I failed terribly. I thought he got it until he said "I don't want to tell you to do things and have you feeling like a slave." After that comment I just shut down. I don't even know where to go from here. He has told me of the women in his past. I am sure his comment of being a slave came from his past. He has dealt with some disrespectful and mouthy women. Or, I hate to say thins but, maybe it's a race issue. He is african american. I am on this site and Fetlife. I mostly see white Doms. I really thought the connection he and I had both mentally and physically would really make for a great D/s relationship. I am just wanting a dominate man. He is like that in alot of ways, just not in a Dom type of way. I guess its more of a personality thing instead of a lifestyle thing. (If that makes any sense) I just don't want to have to lead the way in how to have a D/s relationship.

Uugghhh I don't think I will ever find what I want. I mean I will compromise. I just really need structure and to enjoy living my submissive personality so it feels natural.

Azzabackam(switch male){PawPawGirl} - Whoa, let's slow down a sec. From the way you worded this, you had *one* conversation with him on kink. His response pretty clearly shows that one conversation didn't convey the vast myriad of nuances and intricacies that it takes a lifetime in kink to understand fully, go figure.

Maaaaaybe just keep up the conversation. Clear up the mist that "being Dominant = treating someone like a slave". Tell him how submission makes you feel, why it's something you want in your life. Once he has a clearer understanding of what the lifestyle is, if he still doesn't like the idea of it, *then* you know he's not a match. And if he's resistant to even that much sharing of something this important to you, then it wasn't a match to begin with.

4 years ago

LaVieEnRose(sub female){Kintsugi} - What Azza said, people have misconception of what the lifestyle means. So maybe there needs to be a proper discussion about what it really means, that a sub and a slave are different things. Maybe even point out that he does have some dominant traits so it’s really not such a far fetched out there concept to him then.

4 years ago

Sunshinegirl(sub female) - I had the same problem! I sent him the links that are posted here which cover some of the basics on BDSM, Dom/sub stuff. Also there are a few great articles on google that go into the details of power exchange relationships. Unfortunately, most vanilla men in their mid 20’s can’t wrap their head around BDSM and in the end it was a flop.
Hopefully after he does some research he will be a little more open minded!

4 years ago

Puddles of Me(sub female) - I apologize for being so generic. We have spoken alot about D/s. It's not his first time hearing that D/s is more than just sex.

4 years ago

Azzabackam(switch male){PawPawGirl} - Okay, this changes the situation. He likely has a more clear understanding of BDSM than I thought with my comment above. If such is the case, you're trying to draw blood from a stone. It sounds like the man just isn't into the lifestyle, and that's okay. You'll find somebody.

4 years ago

PerfectStorm(masochist female) - Please do not assume because of one race that is the reason they were disrespectful and mouthy.

4 years ago

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Puddles of Me​(sub female)

I found something I agree with...

I failed miserably

Puddles of Me(sub female)