I posted just a bit ago over in the forums about something that in the course of my response I mentioned that in my experiences I have to deal with her needs, then my needs, then I get my wants, and then she gets her wants.
And I went on to give a thumbnail explanation that;
First, I have to make sure her needs are addressed. Even when this means that my needs, my wants, and her wants may not be.
Once her needs are met, then it is time to get my needs met. Even if this means that my desires and hers might go wanting.
My wants only come into play after both of our needs are met. Even if this means that her wants don't.
Her wants only are regarded so long as they don't violate her needs, my needs, or my wants.
What I left out...
Well, what I left out could be a book. Hard needs, soft needs, soft limits, and hard limits. I didn't mention limits at all. Partially because it wasn't that sort of post. Mostly because I was already (as usual) giving more to chew on than the question actually asked.
But even when it came to needs, I didn't break it down into hard needs and soft needs.
For me, based on my experiences, it was my responsibility to first recognize my own needs, desires, and limits before I could even think about taking on a submissive's needs, desires, and limits.
And I wasn't always astute enough to recognize them coming up before I plowed face-first into them. As I mentioned in this post, on another site, a couple of years ago about limits...
*****
I admit that for me, as "something-other-than-a-submissive," probably 97% of my "hard limits" are something I didn't like the last time I did it and won't consider doing again. And, okay, I've done quite a few things that I didn't particularly get off on because the one submitting to me needed it, or at least thought they did. Blades come to mind.
Puke and shit are a definite hard limit. Can't do it. As a toddler, if I made the mistake of looking in the toilet after I took a dump, I was going to call the dinosaurs. And that hasn't really changed. Love thought it was hilarious that even after over two decades of marriage, I couldn't have the door open to the bathroom whichever of us was using the facilities to void. Not even to pee. Hell, it took a decade for me to be able to relax and take a shit with her in the house. Blood, even menses, is not so big a deal. At least so long as I'm not sticking my face in it. But, puke and shit. Unh-uh. People two blocks down will be vomiting in response to the sounds coming out of me.
Humiliation, degradation, and emotional abuse is a hard, hard limit for me. Either direction. Can't do it. Won't do it. Won't even allow my partner or potential partner to humiliate, degrade, or emotionally abuse themselves. I understand, better than most, that there are some people with this need. I'm just saying that I can't and won't be a party to it. Period. Paragraph.
Risky play... even up to some minor body modification... is a bit of a soft limit. It's not something I desire, but (in a few circumstances) I've been known to "unleash the beast." But, only in the instance where it is a hard need on my submissives part and we have an established relationship. If, on the other hand, it's something that comes up on the first date, uh, no. This is me walking away. I include breath play in this as well as blades and electro, anything that has the potential of being damaging if misused.
Cheating... I don't know. For me, it's not necessarily cheating qua cheating, as in having another partner, that is a hard limit so much as lying. Lying, about anything, is a hard limit for me. Period. If you lie to me, then you are effectively saying that you have contempt for me and my intelligence that I could possibly figure it out.
Love, bless her soul, lived under the Sword of Damocles for twenty years because she had accumulated two strikes. And being American, I'm a firm believer that the third strike means you are fucking out. I'm sure that probably sounds harsh to some people, but it is that much of a hard limit for me. That I would have walked even a week before she passed, even with all of the love and history we shared, if she had lied to me once more. And she knew that and accepted it. And never lied to me again.
Which is not to say there may not have been things she didn't say. What some people refer to as "lies of omission." *shrug* I've never been much of one to worry about secrets so much. But, if your mouth is moving and sound is coming out, it had better be the truth and nothing but the truth.
And, of course, I am not submissive. Not even a little bit. Not even a switch. About the fastest way to get me not to do something is to even hint that I may have to. We made the mistake of trying to tie me down once (just once!) early on. I broke the girl's headboard. Um... and... well, let's just say that there is a documented case of me looking down the barrel of a gun and telling the wielder he may as well pull the fucking trigger, 'cause it wasn't going to happen.
This is not to say that I'm not a huge fan of her initiating sex. (Assuming she can find five seconds I'm not already headed that way when she is.) But, I can't recall a single time that any female I was in a relationship with (and a couple I wasn't prior) "made a move" that they didn't then find they had just saddled up a whirlwind.
For reasons that I won't get into in public forum (but have hinted at elsewhere), coming at me with a penis, even a fake phallus, is a good way to lose it. I have actually been a part of sessions with more poles than holes, but I made it very clear that if a dick came near my ass, mouth, or hand, I would be keeping it in a jar of formaldehyde. I don't really care if that guy is taking that guy in the ass or mouth. I just can't and won't and see absolutely no need to apologize for letting my history rule me there any more than I expect them to apologize for liking what they like.
Abandonment... Ok, so way, way back when, I was involved with a gal who I still think of as my first fiancee. What we actually were was an on-again/off-again (mostly off) all but platonic boyfriend and girlfriend (explaining that would take five times as long as what I've written so far). And I did the whole "right here, waiting for you with open arms" routine. For four fucking years! Right up until she got married to someone I hadn't even realized was in the running. My second ex-fiancee broke up with me eight times and convinced me to take her back before I put my foot down and told her the next time, she'd better be sure she meant it. After that, I pretty much went with the three strike rule.
Which, by the way, Love didn't get her two strikes for two lies. One was a lie. One was breaking it off.
Striking me, even open-handed much less with something is an automatic two strikes. A woman, I will walk away from. A man... well, let's just say he'd better be damn sure it's something he's willing to kill or die for, 'cause I will be. (Yes, I'm a chauvinist and won't hit a woman in anger, even to hit her back. Oink. Oink.) I have (and do) make allowances for training in self-defense. (Which has always been mandatory as far as I was concerned if I was going to be sitting around worrying about her.) But, not in anger and not even in play outside of training scenarios will I accept being a punching bag.
And considering I have broken bricks with my hands, feet, and head, if she does want me to strike her for fun, she is just going to have to accept it if I am not willing to strike her as hard as she might wish. I don't do closed fist or kicks at all. And if I'm going to swat her ass, and I determine that what she wants is too hard and would risk damage, then she's just going to have to deal with it or find someone else. NO lasting damage is a hard limit for me.
Consent is... Well, I can, and have, played out a quasi-non-consensual fantasy for her after some very careful contracting. But, I categorically require that informed consent be more than implied. And quite often will call a timeout to re-ascertain if there is any doubt in my mind at all from her non-verbals.
I freely admit that, with very few exceptions, most of these are limits that I have learned with experience. And, yeah, like most I did once upon a time make the "rookie" mistake of saying that I was up for anything and thought I meant it. (I had no idea that bodily waste was a thing at the time or I would have listed that right from the go word. 'Twasn't pretty.)
As far as right up front... Well, no. I mean, it hasn't ever been something that I've brought up while sitting over coffee while trying to figure out if we liked each other more than just some nice scenery at work. Typically, I guess I've pretty well addressed it when it came up. I don't know. I mean, I'm willing to allow that I may have some Dominant tendencies, but I still stand by my assertion that there is very little beyond... well, vanilla I suppose that I actively require. Unless maybe it's her allowing me to hold not only the keys to her body and heart, but to her soul.
*****
It's okay to laugh. Hell, I laugh at myself all the time. And what I don't know if most people get is that when I mention I've been doing some form of BDSM longer than some reading this have been alive, what I really mean is that I've had the opportunity to make just about every mistake imaginable at least once.
Hell, in my early years, I readily admit that I was stupid and lucky more than I was smart about jackshit. Such as the first time I included choking and breath-play. It was more by sheer dumb luck than by design that I had already been certified in first aid and cpr up to the Emergency Medical Tech level and puttered with two...mmm... no, three of the eventual seven martial arts I kicked around in a bit. And so knew a bit more about what was what and everybody walked away under their own power when done.
And I shudder to think, whenever I read a news item about someone being injured or even killed, just how easily that could have been me back in the beginning when I didn't even know enough to know just how much I didn't know but thought I knew everything I needed or wanted to know.
But, yeah. All this time later, I know what I need, what I want, and what I won't put up with.
However, that's just the beginning.
Then, I also need to learn my submissive's needs, desires, and limits.
And, the thing is, I don't care how many submissives flow through a Dom(me)s hands like sands through an hourglass, you don't know this submissive until you know her/him. No matter how many you've known. A submissive is not a submissive is not a submissive. And may not even be a submissive.
Did that confuse you?
What I mean is that self-styled submissive is not even giving you the Genus, much less the species, but maybe the Family s/he belongs to (to borrow from the Biology tree). Each has their own history that went into making them who they are in their blood and bone with their own limits, desires, and needs. And knowing what another, or a dozen others, or a thousand others have and hold as a desire versus a need does not tell everything about the one in front of me.
As her Dominant (and only ever "her," sorry fellas), I have to know her well enough to know the difference between what she needs and what she wants. Even... or perhaps, particularly... when she is not in a position to judge the difference between what she truly needs and what she just wants. And I can only do this through time and a lot of conversation.
A whole lot of conversation.
Okay, so I admit that I do have a rather subtle (but vicious) streak of Sadism to my make-up that makes having a miserable little subbie squirming as I make her actually talk through these things and vocalize such that she's been taught "good girls don't want such, much less talk about them" is... mmmmm, so piquant.
But, I've learned the hard way not to take a fucking thing for granted when it comes to the depth of understanding of some new playmate. And if I don't know that she knows exactly what she is letting herself in for... then, she can just wait until I do.
And, yeah. I've gotten a lot of criticism over the years from little "submissives" that just wanted me to take them and just do to them without so much of the talk, talk, talking before.
Or put another way, they wanted me to give them what they wanted when I was holding out for what they needed first.
That's why I'm the Dom. Because what I say goes in my sandbox. And if they don't like it, they can take their shovel and pail (and that hideous Fifty Shades of Grey book) and go look for an InstaDom elsewhere.
The irony is that I've been told by several that I am no sort of Dom. Because I wouldn't cave and give them what they wanted.
Which has been the source of no little frustration and amusement for me over the years.
Nope.
As a Dom, first I have to know what my needs are, what my wants are, and what my limits are. Then, I have to take the time to find out what her needs are, what her wants are, and what her limits are.
And anyone that says they don't have any is just naive and innocent enough that they don't know there are people in this big, bad world who will push them to them and past them if they can get away with it.
Also, anyone that can't respect your limits or your needs, whichever side of the slash you are on (and even you "fence-humpers") is not worth the time and effort of you stepping up to try to meet theirs. Be you Dom(me), sub, switch, or more vanilla than Dairy Queen soft-serve.
***shrug***
I don't know. I readily admit I don't know a damn thing when compared to the librarian of the Acacia. (The library, not the shrubbery for those saying "Ni.")
And when it comes to the umbrella of BDSM, there are as many ways to practice as there are relationships that play under it. And if I wasn't invited to play, then I get no say.
I just know what works for me and the ones that things have actually worked out with me. And wanted to clarify in case anyone stumbled across my forum post that began me down this track and figured I didn't say enough on the subject. (NOT, I hasten to add, something I get accused of often.)
Anyway, may you have what you need and enough of what you want to make yours a very good day.