Bits and pieces

Well well, what the fuck is going on up in the Cage tonight/???  

Y'all take a minute to stop and tell Daddy hello!  he really needs some loving in his life!

 are we safe and sound in our homes with our loved ones??

I hope everyone is doing great!! and if you have cannabis, fire it the fuck up because it's time for the nightly nightcap!

So a few weeks ago I came on here bitchin' and complaining to absolutely No one. But I was wrong, there was someone listening, it was you guys, you people, read my complaints, and rants, and some say they laughed and cried. 

To know, I was able to make complete strangers laugh and cry, that's pretty amazing.  And I wanted to say fro the bottom of my heart, to the ones that did take the time to say hi, and respond back, it means a lot. I greatly appreciate it! 

Soooo,  here are a few updates. the beautiful lady I was conversing with, just completely fell off the fucking earth.

I mean I guess the earth really is flat, who would've known such a thing existed... so this past Sunday, I decided to not text her. and I had some feeling that she wouldn't respond back. well, I was right. here it is, it's been 3 muthafucking days and we have not even spoken to each other...Lmao,  oh well it's her loss, another one bites the dust!  

For real though, that bs really hurt, I can't believe I fucking cried over this bitch,

like wtf was I thinking, to even think that she would be different like she claims she was, and be someone to have a great relationship with. But as usual, the disappointment is a little harder than I expected. 

I mean really what's the deal/???   why would someone just disappear like that, knowing that I liked her, and was wanting to see her soon... that's what pisses me off so much. the disrespect that just exudes from some people, makes me fucking sick man. I have never in my life treated someone that I liked, or had strong feelings for... the only way I will be a complete dick, is if they give me a good reason for being a dick, like this situations is a prime example ladies and gents.  so take notes on this free lesson about dating random people online. 

I wish I had someone to roll me a super blunt.   I mean if they would go ahead and legalize the cannabis things, people, jobs, and places would be a lot fucking better...wanna know why/?  coz everyone will be happy, medicated, and simple.

that's the key to life, simplicity. it's my middle name.  it's how I live my life. 

you know I learned a long time ago, you can't plan for the future, it hasn't happened yet.

and the past well it's just the past.  but how does one plan for the future, when it hasn't happened yet?

I say this because, for the past 25+ years, I have tried planning for the future.  and guess what/? 

Nothing ever worked out how it was supposed to, no matter how hard I tried or the partner I had at the said time in my life.

the shit just doesn't work for some people, I mean if I can't get high/smoke a bowl/blunt/joint/ then there's absolutely nothing going to get done.  I mean it's just a scientific fact stoners are very hard to motivate! Lol remember

 **lighters down, pinkies up, fire that bowl up**

So do you watch the ID channel, and if you do....Are You addicted to watching like me???

IDK, what it is about the unkown, or the mystery behind finding out what happens, or trying to figure out the case before it ends...being a lawyer was a child hood dream of mine, as I got older I wanted to be an investigator or something that deals with forensics. but having a heavy drug addiction at the time, I didn't think trying to call and speak with a detective was the best idea! LOL

but I can say I no longer have a drug addiction, I'm very proud have far I've come in my addiction. it wasn't wasy.

I'm a daily Cannabis smoker now, but believe me I've had my fair share of addiction issues, fortunately I was able and had a strong mind, and was able to break the chains from recreational drug use...whenever I think about the time I wanted to call a detective to ask him how do I become a detective, and hunt serial killers and be on the forensics team!  

like WTF was I really thinking, hahaha the shit you do when you're high af

***ALERT***

Sitting here watching/looking👀👀👀😂😂😂 at this crazy storm that's a brewing 💦💦💦out in the

"Gulf of Mexhico" !!!   my phone has been blowing up like crazy all day with Hurricane warnings, severe weathers alerts....etc etc and what do you know...

I'm basically dead center of where it's suspect3d to hit, I mean really???  that's the last fucking thing I need, especially after the day I've had... they always say "when it Rains it fucking pours" 

I guess it's true!

Doesn't bother me though, hell, I can weather just about anything. I've weathered this damn thing that's inside of me, that has plagued my body for the past 25+ fucking years... so there's not too many things that can break me. mentally I've been broken for a long time. but I never show it. talking to me in person, you would never know...and this is the first time I've ever spoken about it publicly. which is a huge thing for me since I'm really a Very private person...Guess All that privacy just went out the fucking window aye!!  Imagine that...In all honesty, if you knew me, or ever met me in person, I'm the type of person that Never complains about anything. I mean what's the point???

all the pain, and suffering, that I go through on a daily basis...and what I've already been thru for the past 25 years, there's not too much I can't handle. but that's another story for another time...

anyways it looks like the storm is going to be a bunch of rain, and probably strong straight line winds up to 60 mph...I have some huge trees in my yard out here in the middle of no where. Lol, I guess we'll know within the next 24 hours!😂😂😂  and I'm over here like 🎶🎶lalala la la 🎶  lalala la la🎶🎶 listening to music as usual...been listening to some good metal lately, that usually helps me ease the stresses of the day...some times I wonder how does someone like me have such shitty luck?? Lol, I mean I'm usually the type of person that's...waiting....waiting.....waiting for the worm...  👀👀👀  You know that old saying... "the early bird always gets the worm"   I've always wondered if it was really true? in reference to the worm meaning i always go after things, if i see it and want it, i get it, if i can't get it, i find a way, if there's not a way, then i make a way,  that's just me...i was always a go getter... i quit school but came straight out of highschool being a certified welder, and was a welder for 15+ years...i worked outside, long hours, pulling 2 day shifts back to back, one time i was so tired i couldn't see straight, but i was making money and that's what mattered, i was young early 20's....then made the mistake of getting married too young,  lol  what a riot that was, lessoned learned, many many lessons learned...and i was still hard headed, women they'll make you do some serious things, but you have to love them,and by god they're hard to live with and you can't live without them...hahaha 😂😂😂

 

(update on my situation)

well as disappointed as i was earlier this evening, for whatever reason, i feel like this ones over with.😢😢😢 they haven't responded back since i told her i slept late, and was having issues with my back, couldn't sleep, we had talked about getting together today and cooking for memorial day...my initial message didn't go thru the first time due to the weather here at my house, when i finally noticed an hour later that it never went thru, i resent it, the message read " hey what's up? i woke up late not too long ago...couldn't sleep back was hurting a lot, woke me upa few times during the night... something to that affect, not worded exactly the same but you catch my drift...over the past few days she has mentioned that she's not been feeling good, stressed out etc...she has a house full, and i told her if she needed to get away for a bit she is welcome here anytime... whatever reason has been really distant over this past weekend, friday she was suppose to come over when she got paid, but that didn't happen, and friday was wierd too, when i messaged her like she didn't respond back for like 3/4 hours...i know she was busy, coz when she did reapond back tells me she's been running an ripping an is about to head home...this was at 3ish on friday...when she finally did message me or call me which ever it was, was like around 630 ish or 730ishh friday night... so i knew her coming over was probably not happening and i was right..it didn't 

but I told myself since it's her,and not me, and since she's been so distant the past few days especially today coz they were going to come eat today for memorial day, it wasn't set in stone, but was discussed and mentioned it to me several times why walking out my front door after giving me a bye kiss, and after telling me she wants to get back over here so she can visit and not have to rush off...ughhhhhh like wtf are you really doing ???  i will find out soon with in the next 72 hours... i have decided that i will not message her, and i wanna see if she's gonna be the one to text me first, or if she even text me at all tomorrow and the next night when the storn is going to hit the gulf coast around the Mississippi, I'm not near the water thank goodness, but hopefully we don't have a lot of damage...esp the people living by the water and beaches... for what it's worth I hope she's just maybe getting inside of her own head too much, who knows.... i have told her if she needs to talk i'm always here to listen and will gove advice as needed...i mean even the intimate convos we've had of course i can tell she been abused in the past, which makes me sad and want to be there for her, she getting ready to have a grandbaby, and she has been super excited about that, i was wanting to get the baby something but idk about all that now...shits changing faster than the second hand on a clock... it's crazy if you ask me...what ever make me think this would be any different than before i have the slightest idea, i guess i had a pipe dream while smokin some fire bud is all i can think.. lmfao  anyways it's 151a.m. and these words are getting more blurrier by the minute. 

I don't fucking get it, I really don't, but I know this, she didn't bother texting or talking to me today, so I will not message her any tomorrow, or the next day, and if she goes a whole 48 hours and doesn't message me to see what's wrong and if she doesn't take the time to at least check on me during the storm,I have every intention on checking on her, that's just the way i am so no worries there...

I will ask her what her problem is, and I want to know why the fuck are you kissing me so passionately smiling from ear to ear telling me you can't wait to see me again....and then you just drop off the face of the earth, like you almost don't even know me???  not to mention I straight hooked you up multiple times when you didn't have any smoke!!  that's the fucking shit that pisses me off...

if she doesn't have a valid excuse, idk what I will say...I even get pissed off at myself because Randall is toooooo fucking nice sometimes...I can't help it though i don't have asshole tendencies... never have and never will...I despise douchebaggery and assholes who misstreat women, which I already know I will end up not saying a damn thing and probably tell her thank you for wasting my fucking time!

for real it breaks my fucking heart because It's been so long since I've actually kissed a woman, and kissing her was fucking amazing...I can barely type this for not being able to see the keys coz they're blurry from the tears building up in my eyes... anyways I do apologize for all the language, I'm just super pissed the fuck off....(break time) lighter and bowl, and that Gelato omg it's so good!!!   this is what tops the dam cake for me....i've never dated anyone who smokes, and she smokes, anytime that i've dated chicks that didn't smoke, it was always a fucking problem later on...but when we first met it's always cool, and not a big deal...that's why I'm always picky, here I am 41 and finally find someone that shows interest and she's a bud smoker! and then now this fucking shit happens and she's being all fucking weird for whatever unknown reason...coc, know i damn sure haven't given her one...dam let me smoke a bowl..LOL   you guys wanna know someone I've always been infatuated with.. the suicide girls!!!  omfg

idc if they're lesbians or not i would watch and watch happily in the corner!  hahaha  U never know what will come out of my mouth...but for realzie I love thier styles and look, covered in tattoos, pierced, wanna talk about mouth watering.. jesus i know this is the most i have ever typed in my life...wtf am i really doing here... that's another thing I've wondered tonigth... what drew me to do this, i guess curiosity is certainly killing the cat.... and this bud smells and taste great!!   wish someone was here with me smoking!

OMG i hate infomercials....they're sooooo lame! 

Good night, to all...Stay blazed my peoples!!!  

For whatever reason, either the universe hates me, or some unknown forcefield has been created unbeknownst to me. It never fails, everytime I seem to find someone that I like, or just as soon as I think things are going to go my way...it's like bam, a straight punch to the face! 

I mean what is the fucking issue??

She doesn't have to be a slave/submissive. all though, I would prefer them to already be one, instead of me having to teach someone. I just want someone to love me for me, and not have any ill intentions, or at least be honest about how you feel, and for God's sake, if you're not feeling me, my kinks/fetishes then speak up and say something.

I know this, I am by far one of the coolest guys that anyone could ever meet...

My loyalty runs so deep, you'll drown trying to disprove it.

I just don't understand, maybe it has something to do with my disabilities/

but it's not like I hide them, or am not open about them...

Maybe I fall for people too fast, and wanna think everyone has a heart that's the size of Texas like I do.

I've yet been able to find someone loving, and trusting enough to even start a relationship with,

muchless have anything long term. 

I mean the cool thing about it was, we started talking on my birthday.

and I distinctly remember mentioning it was my birthday...

and the fact that she never acknowledged it, and never said Happy birthday... yeah I know I know,

I guess that should have been the first red flag huh??

but as usual, I really didn't pay it no mind.

so from august the 16th, my b-day, we've been texting pretty heavy, and telling each other good morning, and good night... talking about how we're ready to meet each other.

we chatted for a week and then she wanted to come hang out one day, and was adamant about coming over to hang out.  of course i was excited, when she said she wanted to hang out, that told me she was different.

no toher female i've talked to has ever wanted to come hang out that soon, and knowing everything that was wrong with me health wise, it seemed to not bother her at all, which was unusal compared to any other girl.

they always told me they wanted to come hangh out, but when it came down to the brass tacks, it never happened. they would usually lie, and saysomething came up, or the all time favorite, I don't have a babysitter...

but one of the things i did notice about this beautiful woman, all of her kids were grown,

and she told me she's a retired Army vet. she served for 11 years in the US Army, that in itself was very imperessive, and it stood out in a way, and it told me she was a strong woman. 

she also told me she has PTSD, I also have PTSD, so we both know about each others issues health wise, but there is still much more to find out about each other. and i hope that it happens soon, i mean that's what it's all about right?? learning about each other is one of the first steps in dating. 

But alas here we arem a few weeks later and things are already starting to be weird and texting has spread out and less meaningless.  she's actually been to my house to eat, and hang out, has met my father, and one of my cousins that lives with me, who is basically my care taker part time.  due to my health issues, my mobility is very limited.  I was diagnosed with crohns and anklosing spondylitis over 25 years ago. 

now that I'm in my 40's, 41 to be exact I am now unable to walk on my own.

I have to use a walker, it's pretty disturbing for me mentally, because i was such an active member of society... now all I am is someone who's a prisoner in their own home and inside thier own mind! 

I've gained weight since i can't walk and exerscise. depression and anxiety have set in, battling that 20+ years isn't easy... but I've done really good, i'm still alive eventhough i have wanted to take myself out the game many times. but haven't because i have faith maybe one day i will actually be happy again and in love.

but for whatever reason shits already changing, she's acting weird, i mean when we kissed for the first time, before she left that night, she told me what an amazing kisser i was, and i laughed and said i told you so.

I mean the handful of times she came to visit me, she told me i made he weak in her knees, and she was trembling when i touched her, i felt it with my own hands when i grabbed her thigh one night and pulled her closer to me as we kissed.  my mind is boggled, and wants to know what the fuck is really going on???

why do women always act one fucking way, and then a week or so down the road it's something completely different, i just don't get it, she has absolutely nothing to lose and everything to gain by dating me. 

i mean she told me about the amazing man she was married to for 7 years when she was still in the army.

said they had an amazing marriage, but he was a drinker, an alcoholic, i mean i don't wanna rain on her parade but darling if this amazing man was a drinker and a alcoholic i can almost promise that your marriage was Not amazing. in fact i bet it was very abusive, well she then proceeds to tell me one night he got drunk and took his fist and beat her half to death, put her in the hospital so it was pretty bad if u ask me.

that's another thing i can't stand is a fucking dude that puts his grimy hands on women. men like that rule with an iron fist! I know first hand, i have seen it too many times.

so it was bad enough he gave her a concussion, and she had long term brain injury from it/ and when she told me that...my heart just really went out to herya know...like i hate hearing stories about womn being abused, i mean anyone being abused is fucking insanity, it's unbelievable that we still live in a culture were men and women think it's cool to abuse people. it goes both ways, i was in a 6/7 year relationship were she was abusive to me, and i am not a small dude, i'm at the least 225 when i'm in good shape, now since i have been disabled that i have gained weight and now i'm like 285 but what do you ??  like seriously i can't even fucking walk any more!!!  i personally don't even wanna be alive any more! and that's totally out of character for me...i've never ever been suicidal nor have i ever wanted to take myself out, but wtf are you suppose to do when all of a sudden your health issues basically bomb over a few months and then bam you can't walk anymore!!   let's just say it makes life not even worth living. but i continue to thrive daily, i try to breathe and enjoy may days, but having No one to enjoy the days with just sucks, i have been single too damn long to continue this way till my last days on this earth.  i mean how fucking lonely will that be?? being here with no one to spend time with, no one to love or have anyone to recipicate those feelings in return...

i'm really clueless, it's like there was hope and then someone came along stopped and took a big ole shit on top of what was going on in my life, it's so frustrating, and ny god it's fucking exhausting

fyi this is something i've never done, i have never written a blog, and I'm so far from a writer.

my grammer is horible, but i don't care what anyone thinks, call it boredom,

call it wantin to be in love and nothing ever works out!

either way maybe someone else out there can relate, and maybe feels the way i do.

if anyone reads this and can relate, please feel free to comment and leave your feedback.

thanks for stopping by...may your life be peaceful, and you live in haarmony,

last but not least, may many blessings come your way!

the lonesome traveler,

the man, the myth, and a legend