For whatever reason, either the universe hates me, or some unknown forcefield has been created unbeknownst to me. It never fails, everytime I seem to find someone that I like, or just as soon as I think things are going to go my way...it's like bam, a straight punch to the face!
I mean what is the fucking issue??
She doesn't have to be a slave/submissive. all though, I would prefer them to already be one, instead of me having to teach someone. I just want someone to love me for me, and not have any ill intentions, or at least be honest about how you feel, and for God's sake, if you're not feeling me, my kinks/fetishes then speak up and say something.
I know this, I am by far one of the coolest guys that anyone could ever meet...
My loyalty runs so deep, you'll drown trying to disprove it.
I just don't understand, maybe it has something to do with my disabilities/
but it's not like I hide them, or am not open about them...
Maybe I fall for people too fast, and wanna think everyone has a heart that's the size of Texas like I do.
I've yet been able to find someone loving, and trusting enough to even start a relationship with,
muchless have anything long term.
I mean the cool thing about it was, we started talking on my birthday.
and I distinctly remember mentioning it was my birthday...
and the fact that she never acknowledged it, and never said Happy birthday... yeah I know I know,
I guess that should have been the first red flag huh??
but as usual, I really didn't pay it no mind.
so from august the 16th, my b-day, we've been texting pretty heavy, and telling each other good morning, and good night... talking about how we're ready to meet each other.
we chatted for a week and then she wanted to come hang out one day, and was adamant about coming over to hang out. of course i was excited, when she said she wanted to hang out, that told me she was different.
no toher female i've talked to has ever wanted to come hang out that soon, and knowing everything that was wrong with me health wise, it seemed to not bother her at all, which was unusal compared to any other girl.
they always told me they wanted to come hangh out, but when it came down to the brass tacks, it never happened. they would usually lie, and saysomething came up, or the all time favorite, I don't have a babysitter...
but one of the things i did notice about this beautiful woman, all of her kids were grown,
and she told me she's a retired Army vet. she served for 11 years in the US Army, that in itself was very imperessive, and it stood out in a way, and it told me she was a strong woman.
she also told me she has PTSD, I also have PTSD, so we both know about each others issues health wise, but there is still much more to find out about each other. and i hope that it happens soon, i mean that's what it's all about right?? learning about each other is one of the first steps in dating.
But alas here we arem a few weeks later and things are already starting to be weird and texting has spread out and less meaningless. she's actually been to my house to eat, and hang out, has met my father, and one of my cousins that lives with me, who is basically my care taker part time. due to my health issues, my mobility is very limited. I was diagnosed with crohns and anklosing spondylitis over 25 years ago.
now that I'm in my 40's, 41 to be exact I am now unable to walk on my own.
I have to use a walker, it's pretty disturbing for me mentally, because i was such an active member of society... now all I am is someone who's a prisoner in their own home and inside thier own mind!
I've gained weight since i can't walk and exerscise. depression and anxiety have set in, battling that 20+ years isn't easy... but I've done really good, i'm still alive eventhough i have wanted to take myself out the game many times. but haven't because i have faith maybe one day i will actually be happy again and in love.
but for whatever reason shits already changing, she's acting weird, i mean when we kissed for the first time, before she left that night, she told me what an amazing kisser i was, and i laughed and said i told you so.
I mean the handful of times she came to visit me, she told me i made he weak in her knees, and she was trembling when i touched her, i felt it with my own hands when i grabbed her thigh one night and pulled her closer to me as we kissed. my mind is boggled, and wants to know what the fuck is really going on???
why do women always act one fucking way, and then a week or so down the road it's something completely different, i just don't get it, she has absolutely nothing to lose and everything to gain by dating me.
i mean she told me about the amazing man she was married to for 7 years when she was still in the army.
said they had an amazing marriage, but he was a drinker, an alcoholic, i mean i don't wanna rain on her parade but darling if this amazing man was a drinker and a alcoholic i can almost promise that your marriage was Not amazing. in fact i bet it was very abusive, well she then proceeds to tell me one night he got drunk and took his fist and beat her half to death, put her in the hospital so it was pretty bad if u ask me.
that's another thing i can't stand is a fucking dude that puts his grimy hands on women. men like that rule with an iron fist! I know first hand, i have seen it too many times.
so it was bad enough he gave her a concussion, and she had long term brain injury from it/ and when she told me that...my heart just really went out to herya know...like i hate hearing stories about womn being abused, i mean anyone being abused is fucking insanity, it's unbelievable that we still live in a culture were men and women think it's cool to abuse people. it goes both ways, i was in a 6/7 year relationship were she was abusive to me, and i am not a small dude, i'm at the least 225 when i'm in good shape, now since i have been disabled that i have gained weight and now i'm like 285 but what do you ?? like seriously i can't even fucking walk any more!!! i personally don't even wanna be alive any more! and that's totally out of character for me...i've never ever been suicidal nor have i ever wanted to take myself out, but wtf are you suppose to do when all of a sudden your health issues basically bomb over a few months and then bam you can't walk anymore!! let's just say it makes life not even worth living. but i continue to thrive daily, i try to breathe and enjoy may days, but having No one to enjoy the days with just sucks, i have been single too damn long to continue this way till my last days on this earth. i mean how fucking lonely will that be?? being here with no one to spend time with, no one to love or have anyone to recipicate those feelings in return...
i'm really clueless, it's like there was hope and then someone came along stopped and took a big ole shit on top of what was going on in my life, it's so frustrating, and ny god it's fucking exhausting
fyi this is something i've never done, i have never written a blog, and I'm so far from a writer.
my grammer is horible, but i don't care what anyone thinks, call it boredom,
call it wantin to be in love and nothing ever works out!
either way maybe someone else out there can relate, and maybe feels the way i do.
if anyone reads this and can relate, please feel free to comment and leave your feedback.
thanks for stopping by...may your life be peaceful, and you live in haarmony,
last but not least, may many blessings come your way!
the lonesome traveler,
the man, the myth, and a legend
