Beauty & the Bondage

I didn't kiss a girl until I was 21.

This isn't because I didn't have the option. I was attractive and there were plenty of girls who were interested, even eager. But I was too fucked up in the head.

I grew up in a conservative household and a conservative church. They convinced me that one should wait until marriage before even kissing, let alone sex. (If you've ever heard of "I kissed dating goodbye" you know what I'm talking about.) I bought into it. It sounded romantic, right?

So I was 21 before I distanced myself from that school of thinking enough to kiss a girl, though I had fooled around in other ways before that, and I continued that pattern for a few more years before I quit fooling around and fucked a girl in the vagina.

After that I got pretty slutty, not gonna lie.

***

Maybe the details are different, but many of you have had similar experiences. Maybe you've been sold a lie, or maybe you've been withheld from a normal life in a painful way.

It's only been recently that I realized for myself that what I went through was a form of abuse. (I had therapists tell me this many times but it took me a long time to see it for myself.) The kicker is that if I had grown up normally, allowed to kiss a girl in high school, I would probably have been married ten years ago like my parents wanted. Instead I'm in my late 30s, never married, never even engaged, was pretty slutty for a long time and slept with many people I'm not proud to have shared a bed with.

It's pretty clear that the teachings I grew up with backfired.

When I did have relationships they were messed up. None of them lasted more than a year, and every person I did date had mental health issues.

It turned out that I had them too. It took me a long time to figure out how to heal from them.

***

My trauma influenced my sexual tastes. Since I first understood sex I had an attraction to BDSM. I tried to shake it off a few times, but then every woman I dated had a serious interest in it.

Recently I've started to question my own tastes.

For a long time I've thought I wanted to take control, but the more I look inside of myself the more I want for someone to give me control. I give a lot in life, and I thought that I wanted someone that I could take from, but what I'm discovering is that I want someone that gives as much as I give back.

And yes, giving would involve learning to please me. Learning to lose control with me. Learning to be trained by me. It might involve ropes and chains and holding her down while I fuck her.

But not in a way that is mentally or physically abusive or goes against her will. Maybe she dislikes something I crave, but rather than take it from her I'd rather she gives it to me, or at least gives it to me to take from her..

Deep down I want her to want to lose herself to me as much as I want to take her.

***

My Mom loves John Wayne (black and white cowboy movies), so as a kid I watched many of his films.

In one of them he talks about gentling a horse vs. breaking a horse. For those that don't know, "breaking" a horse involves getting on its back and riding it until it submits. "Gentling" a horse involves spending time with it every day. Bringing it small lumps of sugar, whispering in her ear while stroking her head. Loving her until she loves you back, and when you do finally mount her she is a willing participant.

What I remember most: he said that when you got into trouble, a gentled horse would run faster and with a furiousity that a broken horse never could.

A good cowboy put his horse first. He would rub her down after a long ride, and she always ate before he did.

This paints a picture that I find beautiful. I believe that a sub I've gentled will love me more than one that has been broken. She doesn't need any Dom, she needs *me*, trusts *me*, craves *me*. Wants to submit her will, her body, her pleasure to mine.

And when I need her she's there. When I work a long week, have to travel, or— heaven forbid— end up in the hospital she's there. I won't have to chase her down because I took my eyes off of her for one minute, but know that she's looking out for my money, my home, the life I've spent many hard years building. She's the type of woman that is there with me in the hospital, finding ways to laugh together, not stuck at home too broken to come see me.

Which sounds more submissive to you?

***

There's many things you can do to be more attractive: exercise and fitness, clothing and fashion, straighter and whiter teeth, learn a new skill.

All of these take time and all of them are external. But the most important trait of attractive people is internal, and applies anytime, anywhere.

I've been through more breakups than I care to admit. Some were because one of us made a mistake, others because it was just a bad fit and we just wanted different things.

I didn't always learn from my mistakes and in hindsight I can see how I repeated many of them. My worst offense as a younger guy was being a bad listener when it came to things I needed to change. Oh, I've always been a good listener when it comes to helping someone or letting them vent, but when it came to feedback for me I would often get defensive instead of seeing an opportunity to grow.

To compound this, I would put up with or even pursue relationships that were bad for me. I stayed too long and would downplay red flags in my own mind.

Now, when it comes to dynamics I run toward red flags. When I come across a red or even a yellow flag, I gently bring it to the person I'm exploring a dynamic with. If they respond well and we are able to handle the problem together then I see that as a sign that the dynamic has a lot of potential. Because it's not *if* flags will come up, but simply *when*. Whether you can deal with those flags in a healthy way is what will define how successful your dynamic.

And that's the trick to being more attractive: learn from your mistakes. Learn from what your partner is saying, learn from every breakup.

You do of course need to filter feedback. Often what people are telling you is not the whole truth. Other times they have not pointed out the right issue— in these cases there's probably still an opportunity to grow, it's simply not what they are saying it is.

This happened to me recently. Someone terminated an early dynamic exploration with a confusing explanation. It took time for me to figure out that when I become very bad at texting when I am exhausted, especially for someone who doesn't know me well. I'm thankful for the experience because I learned something incredibly valuable.

I'm also thankful that we hadn't been exploring long. In business practices there's an idea of "failing fast." Meaning, if something is not going to work I'd rather know tomorrow than after I've invested a million dollars. Dynamics are not a business, but failing is an important step to learning. Many on this site seem to be waiting for the perfect dynamic to come along, but most successful relationships take several failures (four according to the latest article I read). Exploring dynamics is a way to learn what works and doesn't work for you, and if you can do this quickly all the better.

Learning from mistakes and feedback isn't easy. For many it's one of the hardest things in life. But when you do it opens up many avenues for you. It's a starting place to improve many things that will help people to find you more attractive in any context.

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"Are you okay?"

This may be the most powerful question in a dynamic.

We all have moments of imperfection. Sometimes we say the things the wrong way, sometimes trauma gets triggered, and sometimes people accidentally point their anger at their partner when what's bothering them is something else entirely. And sometimes someone is perfectly fine, you just read them wrong. It happens.

"Are you okay?"

This question covers a multitude of sins. A multitude of misunderstandings. Saves a multitude of heartbreak. It can change someone's life, and practiced in a dynamic can be key to long-term success.

"Are you okay?"

Of course, asking this question is not enough. You also need to be willing to listen. To ask clarifying questions, and give your partner space to be understood. Sometimes this may only take a minute. Sometimes it takes much, much longer. Sometimes you may need to agree to talk about it later. Dynamics are complex, and each dynamic and the moments within it will look very different, but the posture of listening to each other is critical to a mature and healthy relationship of any type.

"Are you okay?" works because when you ask this question you are believing the best in your partner. And that enables you to go deeper. I can't speak for everyone, but my desire within a dynamic is to Know and be Known, to reach the deepest parts of someone. Exploring sexual fantasies is a huge part of this for me but even more important is two partners exploring each other's souls.

And it does take two; if you're the only partner listening and believing the best then your relationship is not set up well to succeed.

"Are you okay?"

And the most wonderful part? If two partners ask this question over and over it will make the relationship better over time. You will start to know when your partner is and is not okay, leading to a deeper, better, healthier bond.

Skyscrapers are designed to sway.

Millions of pounds of concrete and hardened steel, and the biggest threat to their purpose is the mere wind.

I think there’s a Dom stereotype. At least in books: his features are chiseled, he towers over most, he has harsh rules and he is unyielding.

They sound weak to me.

Being in a dynamic/relationship requires flexibility. Human beings are incredibly complicated. We grow and change. Unpredictable things happen.

Even a bond with the most dedicated submissive who craves following rules is going to run into challenges. Maybe there’s a rule that she can’t conscionably follow, maybe her tastes have changed, or maybe she’s grown out of a certain part of the dynamic. Maybe structure and rules are simply not her flavor.

How does a Dom respond then? Is he flexible in the wind? Does he stay true to his purpose—which should be to look out for her best interests— or does he buckle to the turbulence?

In books, we often find that the disagreement was a simple misunderstanding. Other times the flaws in the Dom and sub magically complement each other to bring the dynamic/relationship between through the challenge.

But real life doesn’t work that way. Real life, real relationships involve polarizing disagreements, fundamentally different perspectives, and the answer simply cannot be that the Dom makes a rule and the sub had better obey. That is a ticket to disaster, and an indication that this Dom has pretty severe “daddy issues” of his own.

Too many Doms sound like a brown blade of grass. It stands stiff and proud, but it snaps under slight pressure, for in its pride it is also dead.

Anything that remains still is a recipe for death and disease. True strength—living strength—is the green blade of grass that springs up though trampled. It is the blue sea that throws in and out, harboring life and preventing decay. A sea that does not move would quickly become an expanse of noxious death.

Living requires flexibility. I expect a good man and a good Dom to laugh more than the ones in the books, have more self awareness than the fictional men, seek out his true strength for the sake of his own nature.

A dynamic/relationship must be a living, breathing, changing thing. To be involved in bdsm isn’t to accept a role, it is to accept that role as a starting place, knowing that you must grow. Both for the ones you bond with and for yourself.

I’ve been involved in BDSM for 20 years. Over that time I have come to believe that if you’re attracted to BDSM, there is trauma in your past.

You may not remember this trauma. Some of us may be in denial. Some may not understand what trauma is or how it affects us.

For myself, I didn’t realize how traumatizing childhood experiences were. I was never sexually abused, never went hungry. And yet there were things in my childhood that affected me more than I knew.

For those of us involved in BDSM, we need to make sure that we are working on our mental health. Even if everything seems fine, everyone should get professional counseling. This is not a judgement— we all have issues. We all need perspective. Sometimes, we all need help. It doesn’t make you broken or hopeless or weak—literally everyone needs help at some point.

I’ve had my fair share of subs. I can tell you that seeing a professional counselor made me a much better dom, my subs agree. Even though most of my larger trauma has been addressed, I continue to see a counselor at least twice a month. I also now mandate that all my long term subs see someone as well (different from mine. I don’t want conflict of interest there.) I see it as essential to my role as a dom to ensure that my subs have someone they can talk to in confidence.

For those of you still not convinced I’m going okay to say it in no uncertain terms: When pain and control are our playthings, we owe it to ourselves and the ones around us to make sure that we are talking to a professional about our mental health. It is something we all MUST do.

The good news is that in the long term it is worth it. Better dynamics, better sex, satisfaction in ourselves for changing to be better. 

If you’ve never seen a mental health professional, do it. It’s a good thing. Just don’t be afraid to skip around until you find the right counselor for you. 

New subs on this site face a steep learning curve. Many receive dozens of messages, many of those are unwanted advances. It can be difficult to know how to navigate.

I know this from reading profiles and from conversations I’ve had with women on this site in the time I’ve been here. Here’s a few dos and donts that I’ve seen be helpful for the ones I’ve spoken with:

DO

- DO Respond to people you are interested in chatting with
- DO Ignore or delete any messages that make you feel uncomfortable
- DO Block users that make you feel uncomfortable
- DO Message people you are interested in.
- DO Like profiles of doms you’d like to hear from if you’re too shy to say hi
- DO Leave a conversation or dynamic at any time that it’s no longer right for you

DONT

- DONT Respond to toxic people. They usually only see this as an invitation to keep being toxic.
- DONT Feel like you owe anyone anything. Anyone that has expectations before you’ve given your permission is out of line. They don’t deserve your time, and are either socially immature or mentally unwell.
- DONT Feel pressured to have everything figured out. If you don’t know what you want that’s okay. We are all learning. Many are here because they are looking for something different, but don’t know what yet. You’re not alone.
- DONT stay in a conversation or dynamic that is not healthy for you or that you don’t want to be in

There’s a lot of pressure that comes with looking for a dynamic. But all dynamics are first and foremost relationships. All relationships are complex and evolve. So take it one step at a time.

This list is not prescriptive. I’m not a sub or a woman so I don’t know what your experience is, and everyone is different. I’m simply offering a dom male point of view in case that’s helpful to anyone out there.

You do what’s best for you, just please be kind to yourself.

I’m not the same person I was five years ago. One of the areas I’ve explored over those years is What Do I Really Want?

There were many things I thought I wanted. Some of those were ideas society gave me, some of were the result of childhood trauma.

I’ve often wondered if I would come out the other side of this no longer interested in bdsm. In a way that’s true: I no longer need bdsm. Love and relationship have become far more important than a dynamic of any kind.

I think I always knew this, but naming it was helpful.

And yet, deep down, I still crave it. I wonder if this craving is healthy—certainly there are types of mental unwellness masked as bdsm. Maybe my desires are a manifestation of the things I still haven’t dealt with. 

Mostly though, it feels like the craving is residual. Something like a recovered alcoholic who no longer needs the alcohol, but still craves the taste of beer. Maybe.

But maybe it’s something else entirely. Maybe it’s the desire to Know and Be Known by someone beautiful.

I think what initially appealed to me about bdsm is that—for me—it enables you to find out each others deepest and truest desires.

I see so many couples out there dancing boundaries with each other. One person doesn’t like something, so it never gets explored. I’ve always been that person who wanted to make my partners dreams come true. I don’t want her to feel like being with me is a trap, but a gateway to freedom.

And I want someone to want that for me. 

Thats what I’m hoping bdsm might enable. Maybe there are other paths to it. But I think that that is probably why some of us are really here. Nothing to do with identifying as a dom or a sub or any other flavor, but of finding someone who truly wants to draw close to another.