Beauty & the Bondage

Skyscrapers are designed to sway.

Millions of pounds of concrete and hardened steel, and the biggest threat to their purpose is the mere wind.

I think there’s a Dom stereotype. At least in books: his features are chiseled, he towers over most, he has harsh rules and he is unyielding.

They sound weak to me.

Being in a dynamic/relationship requires flexibility. Human beings are incredibly complicated. We grow and change. Unpredictable things happen.

Even a bond with the most dedicated submissive who craves following rules is going to run into challenges. Maybe there’s a rule that she can’t conscionably follow, maybe her tastes have changed, or maybe she’s grown out of a certain part of the dynamic. Maybe structure and rules are simply not her flavor.

How does a Dom respond then? Is he flexible in the wind? Does he stay true to his purpose—which should be to look out for her best interests— or does he buckle to the turbulence?

In books, we often find that the disagreement was a simple misunderstanding. Other times the flaws in the Dom and sub magically complement each other to bring the dynamic/relationship between through the challenge.

But real life doesn’t work that. Real life, real relationships involve polarizing disagreements, fundamentally different perspectives, and the answer simply cannot be that the Dom makes a rule and the sub had better obey. That is a ticket to disaster, and an indication that this Dom has pretty severe “daddy issues” of his own.

To many Doms sound like a brown blade of grass. It stands stiff and proud, but it snaps under slight pressure, for in its pride it is also dead.

Anything that remains still is a recipe for death and disease. True strength—living strength—is the green blade of grass that springs up though trampled. It is the blue sea that throws in and out, harboring life and preventing decay. A sea that does not move would quickly become an expanse of noxious death.

Living requires flexibility. I expect a good man and a good Dom to laugh more than the ones in the books, have more self awareness than the fictional men, seek out his true strength for the sake of his own nature.

A dynamic/relationship must be a living, breathing, changing thing. To be involved in bdsm isn’t to accept a role, it is to accept that role as a starting place, knowing that you must grow. Both for the ones you bond with and for yourself.

I’ve been involved in BDSM for 20 years. Over that time I have come to believe that if you’re attracted to BDSM, there is trauma in your past.

You may not remember this trauma. Some of us may be in denial. Some may not understand what trauma is or how it affects us.

For myself, I didn’t realize how traumatizing childhood experiences were. I was never sexually abused, never went hungry. And yet there were things in my childhood that affected me more than I knew.

For those of us involved in BDSM, we need to make sure that we are working on our mental health. Even if everything seems fine, everyone should get professional counseling. This is not a judgement— we all have issues. We all need perspective. Sometimes, we all need help. It doesn’t make you broken or hopeless or weak—literally everyone needs help at some point.

I’ve had my fair share of subs. I can tell you that seeing a professional counselor made me a much better dom, my subs agree. Even though most of my larger trauma has been addressed, I continue to see a counselor at least twice a month. I also now mandate that all my long term subs see someone as well (different from mine. I don’t want conflict of interest there.) I see it as essential to my role as a dom to ensure that my subs have someone they can talk to in confidence.

For those of you still not convinced I’m going okay to say it in no uncertain terms: When pain and control are our playthings, we owe it to ourselves and the ones around us to make sure that we are talking to a professional about our mental health. It is something we all MUST do.

The good news is that in the long term it is worth it. Better dynamics, better sex, satisfaction in ourselves for changing to be better. 

If you’ve never seen a mental health professional, do it. It’s a good thing. Just don’t be afraid to skip around until you find the right counselor for you. 

New subs on this site face a steep learning curve. Many receive dozens of messages, many of those are unwanted advances. It can be difficult to know how to navigate.

I know this from reading profiles and from conversations I’ve had with women on this site in the time I’ve been here. Here’s a few dos and donts that I’ve seen be helpful for the ones I’ve spoken with:

DO

- DO Respond to people you are interested in chatting with
- DO Ignore or delete any messages that make you feel uncomfortable
- DO Block users that make you feel uncomfortable
- DO Message people you are interested in.
- DO Like profiles of doms you’d like to hear from if you’re too shy to say hi
- DO Leave a conversation or dynamic at any time that it’s no longer right for you

DONT

- DONT Respond to toxic people. They usually only see this as an invitation to keep being toxic.
- DONT Feel like you owe anyone anything. Anyone that has expectations before you’ve given your permission is out of line. They don’t deserve your time, and are either socially immature or mentally unwell.
- DONT Feel pressured to have everything figured out. If you don’t know what you want that’s okay. We are all learning. Many are here because they are looking for something different, but don’t know what yet. You’re not alone.
- DONT stay in a conversation or dynamic that is not healthy for you or that you don’t want to be in

There’s a lot of pressure that comes with looking for a dynamic. But all dynamics are first and foremost relationships. All relationships are complex and evolve. So take it one step at a time.

This list is not prescriptive. I’m not a sub or a woman so I don’t know what your experience is, and everyone is different. I’m simply offering a dom male point of view in case that’s helpful to anyone out there.

You do what’s best for you, just please be kind to yourself.

I’m not the same person I was five years ago. One of the areas I’ve explored over those years is What Do I Really Want?

There were many things I thought I wanted. Some of those were ideas society gave me, some of were the result of childhood trauma.

I’ve often wondered if I would come out the other side of this no longer interested in bdsm. In a way that’s true: I no longer need bdsm. Love and relationship have become far more important than a dynamic of any kind.

I think I always knew this, but naming it was helpful.

And yet, deep down, I still crave it. I wonder if this craving is healthy—certainly there are types of mental unwellness masked as bdsm. Maybe my desires are a manifestation of the things I still haven’t dealt with. 

Mostly though, it feels like the craving is residual. Something like a recovered alcoholic who no longer needs the alcohol, but still craves the taste of beer. Maybe.

But maybe it’s something else entirely. Maybe it’s the desire to Know and Be Known by someone beautiful.

I think what initially appealed to me about bdsm is that—for me—it enables you to find out each others deepest and truest desires.

I see so many couples out there dancing boundaries with each other. One person doesn’t like something, so it never gets explored. I’ve always been that person who wanted to make my partners dreams come true. I don’t want her to feel like being with me is a trap, but a gateway to freedom.

And I want someone to want that for me. 

Thats what I’m hoping bdsm might enable. Maybe there are other paths to it. But I think that that is probably why some of us are really here. Nothing to do with identifying as a dom or a sub or any other flavor, but of finding someone who truly wants to draw close to another.