I’m pretty lost at the moment. Once upon a time Someone told me I was a slave, and I believed them because it seemed true. But my last experience didn’t go so well, and has left me super confused. I don’t know if it was me perhaps not actually being a slave that was the problem? Hindsight does show that I made a lot of big mistakes. Or maybe I chose wrong? Or both? I don’t know. Either way, I’ve lost trust in myself.
But now I’m in some kind of limbo unsure of where to go or what to do. I feel very “balk-y” at the idea of slavery or even giving anyone any power over me now, and although I have a wonderful fwb whom I adore, the “kink world” is just so hollow and only scratches the surface. I find myself coming here and wanting to participate, and watch from the sidelines, but I no longer have such an unwavering faith in my ability to try to give that level of devotion again. At least not enough to want to consider stepping back into any form of power exchange, or even relationship for that matter, any time soon. Today someone told me that I shouldn’t go into relationships with a “forever” mindset and that really hit hard for some reason, because I don’t know how else to be “all in” if it’s not with the idea of wanting to be there forever. Above all it made me realise that I have no reference points anymore. Things I felt sure about are gone.
My first focus after everything ended was to try to scrape back together some form of self worth, but it feels kind of empty without the somewhat naive levels of hope and belief I once carried. It feels like someone told me Santa isn’t real. And I’m terrified of becoming one of those bitter hags that goes through life miserable because they were too scared to try again 😕 I want to be a joyous hag! 🤪
It’s not a lack of meeting wonderful men. I’m just reluctant and afraid of making the same mistakes, or choosing wrong, and I’m not the sort of person to be with someone simply because I can’t be alone. I know I don’t function well solo, but I’d rather struggle than use someone just to make my life easier. Maybe my heart just isn’t ready. Actually, there’s no maybe… clearly my heart isn’t ready.
I worry I’m trapped in a place of my own doing, but don’t know how to get out of it.
