It doesn’t seem to be spoken about often, how difficult it can sometimes be to remain friends with a significant ex. It has taken so much work for us to get to where we are. Many, many, many times it seemed too hard and I considered walking away. No doubt he did too.
For the first time in my life I experienced giving everything to a relationship. And it didn’t work out. To say I walked away pretty burned and disheartened from that experience is an understatement. Remaining single for the rest of my life is still seeming pretty appealing.
So, what is this splinter that has come to the surface?
He is becoming the man I always saw and hoped he could be while we were together. If I step outside of myself I can say I’m so proud of him for wanting to become a better man. However, the painful part is that I have to accept that I won’t get to share in who he is becoming, in the way I had once hoped to. Some might say it’s better that I have a friendship with him. And yet, there’s still a part of me that mourns for “what could have been”… being safe to openly and freely love and admire him in his journey towards his authentic self.
And no, we can’t go back. I will never put my heart in that position with him again. That is my strength. I am the most indecisive person I know, but when I do make a decision it is impenetrable… especially if it is in regard to protecting my heart and wellbeing. Too much damage has been done. I will forgive and forgive and forgive and forgive… until one day, I quietly remove that person from having access to my heart, and they stay removed. It can hurt immensely. But I have come to learn it’s a necessary hurt. Friendship is the only offer on the table.
So, I will softly mourn. I will let that part of me shed her tears. And I will hold her and tell her it’s ok. Sometimes life just hurts, and that’s ok.