It wasn’t clear why I decided to go, but something told me I should. Feeling so lost (as of what is beginning to feel like forever), I wanted to see if there was anything there for me anymore. If perhaps I might see a beacon of light towards what was once held so dear.
The odd thing was that it felt like a reunion. And, a part of me both stirred and settled. Especially when I saw and heard, Him.
That was actually super surprising. I hadn’t considered having any response… just one of familiarity and great shared conversations. But something in me curled around His presence. Any awkwardness immediately dissipated. I felt strangely safe. Our history emerged from memory and I realised we’d shared more than I had thought, and it had created a trust I hadn’t recognised was building.
The usual thoughts played through my mind as He spoke… “You’re so cool.”
It’s difficult for me to gauge how I feel about someone when I’m with someone else, because I don’t observe or give room to anything beyond what I consider acceptable friendship realm. But it seems I had a crush I was ignoring.
“You’re so cool.”
It’s a line from one of my favourite movies. And in hearing it, I realised that’s the type of love I wanted. The kind that made me want to openly adore the person I’m with because in my eyes they’re just so awesome. A combination of child-like, teenage-like, adult-like crush material. I realise now, when that line pops up, I’m a goner lol.
Overall though, it actually felt great to reconnect. I’m still not sure what this way of life looks like for me anymore. But it sure was nice to spend time with old and new friends, remembering why I came to be here in the first place… and that’s what I had hoped to find again.